Feeling so very mortal ...

I really enjoy Judo, but over the last ten months I've had a string of injuries. I'm 51 and have come to realize that perhaps constant injuries are really not a way of life for me. Kind of why I quit practicing last time, now that I think about it.

This time I realized that perhaps I was making a mistake when I was out with a bad cold, went back and injured my shoulder again and thought about what I was doing. Two months with a cracked rib. Three months with a cranked elbow. Six months of various shoulder injuries. I'm actually less flexible now than when I started, thanks to the arm and shoulder exercises.

I decided that the fun was probably not worth the reduction in health. Maybe if I were younger.

When I was younger, especially when I had arm and shoulder strength, anything was possible. Bengoshi Waza was written to explain to some friends how I schooled a rather arrogant black belt, night after night, in Wichita Falls. I threw him for eighteen ippons and never got thrown for even a Yuko in return. (As you might guess, I was showing off for my wife, but he was a national level competitor and just asked for it, if you know what I mean, and kept pushing, night after night).

But having to lay off any shoulder/arm exercises for three years with the rotator cuff problems I have (resolved, it was a simple inflammation that I eventually was able to fix with just losing some weight and fixing my posture) left me facing a completely different side of Judo, being weaker and stiffer than everyone else instead of much, much stronger. The injuries and the flexibility loss have changed things too.

Will I return? Who knows, though at fifty-one, I think I need to have second thoughts, though I am finally getting some arm and shoulder strength back.

I've had a lot of feelings this past week, it has been very rough, but now I'm doing much better and at rest. Some days are iron, some days are stone -- but often some days are just glorious, with stars falling from the sky (ok, I like snow fall).

---

Quick note, when I was showing off for my wife, I had qualified for nationals two years before. I was an inch or so shorter than the guy, but I was thirty pounds heavier. However, my first work out coming back I wasn't even to the sparring when I realized I didn't know Judo and decided I needed to relearn it from the beginning as if I had never had a class before. It was great, I learned a lot (which shows you how much of what I did before was just strength and speed and how little I really knew. Luckily the injuries are all to muscles, none to the joints, so they aren't permanent. Anyway, thought I owed an afterwards).

Leaving Judo for now

I really enjoy Judo, but over the last ten months I've had a string of injuries. I was out with a bad cold, went back and injured myself and thought about what I was doing. Two months with a cracked rib. Three months with a cranked elbow. Six months of various shoulder injuries. I'm actually less flexible now than when I started.

I decided that the fun was probably not worth the reduction in health. Maybe if I were younger.

Memories

Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it the laughter
The laughter, We'll remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were

Today is so bittersweet, so very bittersweet. So very sweet to wake up with my wife beside me (though the cat as an alarm clock is not necessarily the best way to wake up, having him bother her instead of me ... seems somehow right since he is her cat ... though I got up and fed him, and am writing this post now while she sleeps, wrapped up in my shirt and my love) .

But today is also the day that Jessica died. I know that grief endures only because love endures, and while it is bitter that the grief always remains with those who bury children, it is sweet to know that our love for our children always remains.

Until we meet again, I have memories, I have love.

Comments on weight, Shangri-la, etc.

My weight remains stable. My SLD calories push it down, I eat a little junk food to push it up, it stays in equilibrium. I find that calcium is important, for whatever reason.

So, that has been a success, I still run up the stairs at work once a day or so just to celebrate being alive.

I still believe that most "standard" ways to lose weight are dangerous, misleading, and harmful.

• From "Alas, a Blog" -- the truth about weight loss dieting.
  
• "surgical weight loss."
• Letters from real people.

I confess, I don't think about food, about the Shangril-la Diet, and about a lot of things much any more. They are just part of my life, a bland part, like breathing. I really hope that the same things will be true for more and more people. Being thin does not mean having the mandate of Heaven and is not proof of the grace of God. Being fat is not ugly and is not a sign of sin. It just is, and both states are either impossible to control by normal means or easy for some people to control with flavorless calories. But they have nothing to do with grace or sin or virtue.

It is my fault, but could you help me

So often in our relationships we need to say "It is my fault, but could you help me" so that people do not hear the message "I've got a problem and I'm blaming you" when we ask for their help. I learned that lesson about things I'd lost. If I just said "my gloves are lost, if you see, them, let me know" the message that was received, somehow, is "you lost my gloves."

That isn't what I wanted to communicate. But if I say "I managed to lose my gloves and haven't found them yet. If you come across them, wherever it was that I managed to leave them, let me know, I'd really appreciate it" I've given the message that

• I know that losing my gloves is my fault; and,
• I don't expect you to go looking for them, but if you notice them, know they are lost or misplaced, not left in some foolish place on purpose.

That is a useful way to talk and to ask for casual help. Oh, if you find something, always let the other person know "Hey, I managed to luck across where I'd lost my gloves." That way they know that they don't need to keep an eye out for you.

A friend's comments on mortality

Ozarque has been writing about mortality:

• Death and Dying: Part One.
• Handbook for Mortality Discussion (brief).
• Death and Dying: Part Four (you can find parts two and three if these posts interest you).
  

It is easy to forget that we are all mortal, especially on a cold, sharp morning with kids on a sleepover eating waffles and sausage. But we are, and it helps to plan for life to continue. Grief and loss are hard, but there are things we can do to make the transitions more human, more survivable.

I wish you continued happiness...

Some one said that in the comments, and I really appreciated the thought.

It is what I'm feeling these days, not sure it is worth blogging about, but it is a lot more pleasant than the alternatives.

What does submission mean ...

A friend of mine, Pistas3, has made some comments about Paul's writings being pro-women when read as intended. She has been a little busy (I asked her almost seven years ago it seems for a longer comment ... but graduate school and life happen to us all), but I found a similar scholarly analysis:

In fact, Ephes. 5.22 is elliptical, and so when Paul gets around to saying "wives to husbands as to the Lord." and so on, he is presupposing the meaning of submission enunciated in vs. 21--namely that that wife's submission should only be offered in the context of mutual submission. When the husband is exhorted to love his wife as Christ does the church, this is another form that mutual submission takes in Christ.

Mutual submission in Christ is what submission means, not one to the other.

So, how are we doing ...

Well, other than wanting to see more friends more often (things get so busy), this is probably the best Christmas we've had. Now, if we can only catch up with the Greens (and my thanks to the people who sent me the phone number for Billy Joe -- your e-mail address bounced when I sent a thank you note to you, but I had a great talk with him and he gave me Bob Smith's number to [I think, I had the strangest dream and woke up with Bob Smith's number on my telephone's saved number list]).

Our Christmas letter follows. I think we got them all mailed (they were in the kitchen when we had our fire, and I still worry ...).

---

*

Heather

is at BYU. A

Neuroscience Major

Rachel is now in first grade

with Soccer, Girl Scouts, Judo

Piano, Earthsavers, Book Buddies

Chess Club. Mom tired. Steve is still

at St. Paul Travelers. Happy man. Skinny

man. He lost 75 pounds. In Judo too. His

Mom and Dad moved in down the street. Bought

a house and started major renovations. Win still doing

Anesthesia. Chairs Landscaping project for elementary school,

chairs Ward Activity Committee. Girl Scout Leader. Very Tired

Perfect

&

gorgeous.

That was our family Christmas letter. I got Win to approve it when she was very tired, later, on reading it again, she laughed when she realized I was talking about her being perfect and gorgeous, then realized I had sent that out to everyone we sent cards to (though we lost too many addresses in a PDA crash and the fire).

I'm so grateful to have gotten through a Christmas without the memories overwhelming us or another tragedy striking and to have a living, happy seven-year-old in the house, and Heather home for the holidays.

---

Another blog by a parent in grief. http://barbtries.blogspot.com/

Breathe

Well, it is the "real" Christmas morning and everyone is still healthy and breathing.

Sometimes you just need to be grateful and to breathe.

Sometimes there is nothing more that you can really give or that you really need.

---

Christmas with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square

almost as good as Christmas at home with my sleeping baby (ok, she is really seven years old now, but she is sleeping like a baby).

Christmas Books.

Each Little Bird That Sings (Golden Kite Honors (Awards)) by Deborah Wiles (Hardcover - Mar 1, 2005) -- a story of death, life and transition, about a ten year old girl whose family owns the town's funeral home when death visits her. As a reviewer said "The book could easily have turned cutesy or, 190 degrees the other way, overly morbid. That it is neither of these is something just short of a miracle."

For a time when you need someone else's grief and someone else's humor.

---

We had a lot of books for Christmas at our house. (Yes, we had Christmas a day early because of work and other issues).

• Sergeant Nibley, Ph.D.: Memories of an Unlikely Screaming Eagle by Hugh Nibley and Alex Nibley
• Mormonism: THE STORY OF A NEW RELIGIOUS TRADITION by Jan Shipps (Paperback - Jan 1, 1987)
• Believing History: Latter-Day Saint Essays by Richard L. Bushman, Reid Larkin Neilson, and Jed Woodworth (Hardcover - April 2004) (soon to be a paperback)
• Rick Steves' Italy 2007 (Rick Steves) by Rick Steves (two copies, I gave one to Win and she gave one to me).
• Peter and the Shadow Thieves by Dave Barry, Ridley Pearson, and Greg Call -- Rachel picked this one out for herself.
• Empire by Orson Scott Card (Hardcover - Nov 28, 2006) -- Heather waited in line for three hours to get me an autographed copy.
• The Art of Throwing: Principles & Techniques A very pretty book.
• Hallelujah! Christmas With The Mormon Tabernacle Choir/The Vienna Boys' Choir
• Core Throwing Techniques of the Kodokan Judo Syllabus Volume 1: Dai Ikkyo
• and ...
  Jesus Christ and the World of the New Testament: A Latter-Day Saint Perspective -- thank you Times & Seasons.

May you have found a good book for Christmas, to bring Christ and his hope back into your life.

---

I'd love to have the suggestions of any visitors of good books.

I didn't know that was what they really meant

"Birds, I've missed birds. I knew they flew south for the winter, but I didn't know that was what they really meant -- that they would all be gone."

When the birds fly south for the winter from Dallas, it means the geese fly over head and the ducks leave, but lots of birds are still to be found. In Utah, my daughter discovered that when the birds go south for the summer they all go south, leaving a land completely barren of flying things.

Yes, Heather is back from BYU for Christmas, Rachel is now seven and still alive and it has been a wonderful day.

When they told me that when I got older I'd be happy with simple things, I didn't know that was what they meant.

It is my birthday and I'll cry if I want to ...

... or not.

It is perfectly proper to be happy on a birthday and I am.

;)

Only girl in the chess tournament, youngest too.

Rachel went to her first chess tournament. She was the only first grader from her school, the only girl at the tournament. Small, just three schools teams (I think, may have been four), Swiss style tournament. She came in sixth place and her team took first place.

I'm pleased as punch, to use the old saying, and it was a great day. I had to skip a test for Judo, but Rachel is more important. I'll have next year, but this was her only chance to be the only six year old in a chess tournament, her first, and to bring home a trophy (different trophies for sixth through first place).

Peacetalk 101 -- Elgin's Advent Story

Another book by Elgin, about someone who found hope in the Christmas Holiday after falling into the deepest of despair. Read the reviews and the sample chapter on-line to decide if it is for you.

Peacetalk 101 (Paperback)
by Suzette Haden Elgin

(5 customer reviews)
29 used & new from $6.00



What other books can you think of that preach hope to people who face despair?

For more on Elgin visit http://ozarque.com or her blog at http://ozarque.livejournal.com/

Patricia A. McKillip, reprise

• http://www.sff.net/odyssey/mckillip.html
• http://greenbooks.theonering.net/tributes/files/pat_mckillip.html

I just read her Alphabet of Thorns -- just when I really needed a book of that sort. It brought me joy.

So I decided to look for more about her on-line. Found things that Google didn't provide me before, such as the link above.

Alphabet of Thorn by Patricia A. McKillip (Hardcover - Feb 3, 2004) - Bargain Price

Used & new from $6.99

In Stock

Is what Amazon had to say. I'm afraid I paid about that for a trade paperback, but I'm glad

---

If there are books that have helped you or given you comfort when you needed it, please mention them in the comments.

Seasons of the heart, emotions and time

Christmas season brings up such a flow of emotion in almost everyone. The vitality of emotion also causes everything driven by emotion to surface, as well as emotions. Grief, joy, love, sorrow, gratitude and resentment all rise on the same tide.

At the same time, in grief, there are separate seasons of the heart, driven by events, by memories, by anniversaries and by the passage of time. Sometimes they coincide with the physical seasons and the ebb and flow of holidays. That is especially true in my life.

I find that if I allow everything to rise, to flow through me and into me and to become a part of me (which it already is), then I am me for the season, and can encompass the joy of it along with the sorrow, the sweet as well as the bitter. To be one makes me whole.

May you be whole this season, healed by the light that is in Christ.

Normal does not equal desirable. Or even survivable.

Normal does not equal desirable. Or even survivable.

That is a great line. So many things in grief are "normal" and yet so many people do not survive them.

God bless all of you, each and every one. May normal for you be desirable, and may the season bring you joy.

Christmas Program (by Win Marsh)

Christmas Program December, 2006

6:30 pm – Santa set up in overflow area

7:00 pm – Dinner service begins with Bishopric offering opening prayer

7:15 pm – 15^th Street Starts (Singing group, beautiful harmonies)

7:30 pm Lights Dim

Vance Bryson in chair with microphone.

Picks up scriptures and starts to read

Read Luke Chapter 2, Verses 1-5

Mary and Joseph walk into the room from back entrance. Both look tired. Joseph is helping Mary who is obviously pregnant. They have a lantern.

Joseph: “Oh Mary, we are finally here in Bethlehem. Now we just need to find a place to stay. “

Mary looks at him and nods. She walks as if she is exhausted.

Joseph: “ I’m sure you feel better after a rest. (Pause) I see an Inn right over there. Do you think you can go just a little farther?”

Joseph and Mary present themselves at the door. There is an Innkeeper outside sweeping.

Innkeeper #1: “Don’t even ask. Every room is full. The hall is full. There are absolutely no rooms left. Try my brother’s place across the way. He still had a room available this afternoon.” Innkeeper waves them off towards the other side of the cultural hall.

Mary and Joseph walk on to the second door. They knock.

Joseph: “Your brother told us that you might have a room.”

Innkeeper #2: “ I did have a room. A terrible room. But even it is gone now. There have been so many people arriving today that there just isn’t anything left in town. Even my own house is rented out. My family is staying with my cousin.”

Mary and Joseph slowly walk away. Walk through diners towards other side of cultural hall.

“O Little Town of Bethlehem”

Joseph knocks on third door.

Innkeeper just waves them away.

Innkeeper stops and watches them walk away.

Mary and Joseph slump their shoulders and walk slower and slower. Innkeeper watches, pauses, calls them back.

Innkeeper #3: “Come back. You won’t find rooms tonight. There is no room in my inn – or in any other inn tonight in Bethlehem. I do have a stable. We could put down some clean straw and a couple of blankets. It is the best I can do for you tonight. It is safe and out of the wind.”

Mary and Joseph look at each other, nod and go back to the innkeeper. They are led out the door.

Vance: Read Matt Chapter 2: Verses 1-9

Young Men enter through back doors singing “We Three Kings” and travel out through the doors closest to the stage.

Vance: Read Luke Chapter 2: Verses 8-12

Shepherds are gathered with their animals. Angel appears. They follow angel across the room to the door closest to the stage.

“Away In A Manger”

Curtains open: Nativity Scene

“Silent Night”

Curtains Close

FireTruck at the Marsh House

Rachel thought it was the neatest thing ever. Myself, I'm not a big fan of stove fires breaking out while I'm not in the house, and I'd have been happier if the doors throughout the house were closed instead of open, but the turkey got its last revenge ...

The fire department dropped by, used their blower to evacuate smoke, confirmed things were at a non-toxic level, gave Rachel a tour of the fire engine (it was really neat) and were properly buff and heroic. We've a lot of laundry left to do, but I washed the counter tops and floor and then Win did it again.

I'm grateful it is over and that everyone is OK. I'm also grateful it wasn't my fault. Better to be mildly amused and helping out ...

It is a wonderful morning.