Naked Badu in Dallas

By now most people have heard about a pop star stripping naked in downtown Dallas while shooting "guerrilla" video.

What most people don't know is that in order to find an audience of people to offend, it took her some work. I used to work right next to the plaza she used and would cut through it often.

Generally it is empty and abandoned. To find a time when there were some people (including the child and the offended mother), must have taken some work as I never encountered that many people in several years of cutting through the plaza.

Someone had asked me why the video could not have been shot in the middle of the night and avoided the problem. My response: heck, usually you could shoot the video in the middle of the day without any problem either.

JRCLS Fireside (Yearly Event, locally)

I enjoyed the fireside. My wife's schedule puts her working most Friday nights, so we miss a lot of the social events, and the way work has gone I have more time, but less freedom, if that makes sense. I was very glad to be able to attend.

A new Paksenarrion novel

I remember getting the trilogy. Courtney had just died. I had a court hearing in Montague, a couple-three counties away on a pro-bono case I was handling (one of the domestic abuse cases I handled when I was in private practice in Wichita Falls). It was a terrible time for me, but obviously not something that would wait and not something I could pass off to someone else as there wasn't any money in it.

Much to my surprise, the client, who was broke and pretty much homeless (which is how you get free services from lawyers) gave me the trilogy as a gift to say thank you.

I and my wife loved the books. For a variety of reasons Elizabeth Moon was unable to write more of them for a very long time. But now she has.

It is heroic fantasy where the heroism is that of humanity being heroic, not of supernal types expressing themselves, of duty and loyalty and faith.

Oath of Fealty by Elizabeth Moon (Hardcover - Mar. 16, 2010)

Other Editions: Kindle Edition, Paperback, Audio Download, Audio CD; See All.

I have really enjoyed the books. The latest, my wife and I were both sick (we caught something on our visit to Utah), we had a date night with Rachel having a sleepover at a friend's house. But we were too sick to do much, so we read the book and considered ourselves well rewarded.

For more on the setting and the books visit:

• http://www.paksworld.com/ and
• http://www.paksworld.com/blog/?p=680#more-680.

Otherwise, Elizabeth Moon is an Austinite sort of person and one who has lived a life of principle, and is admirable for it.

An interesting moment of self-realization

I was feeling happy, which made me think about my wife. It hit me, I connect feeling happy with thinking about my wife, so that when something else happens to make me feel happy, it immediately makes me think of my wife.

It was an interesting moment of self-realization.

Scott Burns Investment Advice

When you examine long-term performance data, what you learn is that investment fees that seem reasonable in the short term can be devastating in the long term.

Devastating?

Yes. The longer you invest, the smaller the performance difference between entry into the top 25 percent of performers and entry into the bottom 25 percent of performers. The difference is so small that over 15 years it may amount to less than you pay in fees.

In other words, what you pay in management fees, all by themselves, can wreck your investment performance.

This is why I often refer to professional money management as an iatrogenic illness – a treatment that is worse than the malady it purports to cure.

Believing Christ

I just read a book that talks about the difference between believing in Christ and believing what Christ says. I've mentioned Suzette Haden Elgin who starts with "be ye therefore perfect" (and the "yes, I really mean it") as a starting place.

Believing Christ the Parable of the Bicycle and Other Good News by Stephen E. Robinson

But I've been reading Stephen E. Robinson who asks if we believe what Christ says when Christ says he is our savior. It is an interesting approach, one that I am finding nourishing.

While I've bought copies of Steadfast and Immovable: Striving for Spiritual Maturity by Robert L. Millet for people in the past, I think I am going to start buying copies of this book for some people now. Guess that is how I evaluate books -- have I felt the need to buy copies of it for people I know?

This book passes the test. Even better, like everything else, it is available for free through interlibrary loan.

Suzette Haden Elgin's poem about her son's death

The most recent draft is here:

http://ozarque.livejournal.com/631306.html

It is very powerful.

Inside my mind,
thunderstorms
-- all of them --
are tightly linked
to my son's death.

Go to her page to read the rest of it.

Getting side-tracked ... Yoo and Bybee

My latest post on torture was intended to discuss the foolishness of payback and the evil of torture.

It got sidetracked into a discussion about how if an attorney gives an opinion someone doesn't like, then the attorney should be prosecuted. In the case of Yoo, he authored an opinion that resulted in a policy implementation. After the policy was implemented, Bybee signed off on the opinion.

I think the opinion was wrong. Basically it starts with a concept everyone agrees with: intent matters. I know of a case of a martial arts trained linebacker who interrupted a gang rape. In most circumstances what he did, in attacking fifteen punks, would be assault and battery. Since he was rescuing someone, he was considered heroic instead. But the concept is that if you are seeking information rather than seeking to cause pain, it changes what you are doing.

Then, given that intimidation and interrogation are allowed, they followed a definition that separates conduct by whether it causes permanent physical harm or not. No one faults giving sugar free cookies to a diabetic (something the FBI did). Eventually that argument can take you to very evil places.

I think the combination of arguments that was used were wrong. People who have implemented the policy have committed suicide over the feelings they've had after participating in "harsh interrogation tactics." Those in training who take the opportunity to experience the receiving end of the tactics are likely to drop out -- once they have been on the other side they can't bring themselves to do those things to others.

No one would think it acceptable for the police, or for a congressional inquiry panel, to question witnesses in that fashion.

But, prosecuting people for arguing for a position, especially Yoo who has taken a set of positions as a long standing academic approach? I have real problems with that.

My biggest problem is that there are a number of people who advocate trying people for being on the other side of the debate -- they are advocating trying people for treason. Their argument is that it aids the enemy to attack people, such as Yoo, and that even discussing what is wrong with torture is an act of treason.

Those people, when polls are taken, get more than half of the respondents in favor the treason trials. On the other hand, when prosecuting Yoo is suggested, the number is far less than half.

My suspicion is that if "payback" starts and if we start prosecuting people for opinions, it will not take long before the prosecutions are of those the majority favors prosecuting. That is how it goes and how McCarthy and others gained so much power. I see such an approach as dangerous and foolish.

Further, it distracts from the real debate: the one about both the evil and the futility of torture. FBI critics have been consistent in their challenges to the claims that torture works, to the individual cases (pointing out that torture failed and cookies worked, for example) and to the illegality. To allow the matter to be sidetracked into the politics of retaliation is likely to result in a complete rout of those who oppose torture.

As an aside, Bybee has spoken out that he thinks the position he took is very problematic. He was faced with a policy already in place and people in the military who had relied on the memorandum being signed to do things that if it was not signed were criminal. So he signed off. Should he have protected people who were following orders? That is a part of the Nuremberg question, after all. Just how far do we go in chasing down those whose thoughts we disagree with? That is our question now.

So, that is my opinion, that is where it takes us.

Luck, gratitude, an aside.

Such people sometimes write to me about their thoughts of suicide, and I think nothing separates me from them but luck.

That really resonated with me. So often I look at the things for which I am grateful and I know that I did not earn them, do not deserve them, and would be bereft without them. Especially my wife and my children.

Words fail me.

---

As an aside, I confess that I don't blog about work. There is not much to say. I'm impressed by the significant efforts they make to abide by their code of conduct. Talking with my brothers about my boss led to a discussion of how in 30-40 years most of us had had, at most, one boss we really respected as making life and work better. Mostly a "good" boss is merely one who does not make things too much worse. A very good boss -- one in a hundred -- that is what I have right now. I like my co-workers.

My work is mentally demanding and challenging. I don't blog much about the attorneys on the other side of me in cases, but I have been impressed, over all, by the level of integrity many of them attempt to bring to what they do, and the brilliance of some. This last week I was on the other side of a case of an attorney who bills $600 an hour or more. I would say he is worth it.

I'm not going to mention his name either, because I do not want to change my focus, but I feel very lucky in every regard.

My wife has often told me that if she dies before she does, she expects me to remarry as a tribute to how much marriage did and does for me. Honestly, I can't imagine anyone who could fill my life, be my heart, give me joy, as she has and does. I had hopes for marriage, expectations as well, and dreams. She doesn't understand, but she has given me a life better than I had dreamed possible.

Yes, I've had some incredibly bad luck. A friend noted that the way my daughters died was like winning the lottery in reverse, not once, not twice, but three times in three different ways. But on the balance I've had incredibly good luck as well. Just more extreme, with a balance that is not always obvious from the outside.

So, some people tell me that I've had a life that must have not let me know any hardship or loss and that I can't understand. Others told me I must have deep stains on my soul or God would not have let such hardship affect me. I could use a good editor ;)

But mostly, I remind myself that I am grateful.

Video of me, on the internet!?

SOTO MAKIKOMI: MJ / STEVE


If the movie doesn't run, drop over to http://www.dallasjudo.com/ and page through the videos until you get this one (ok, I know it only runs in the edit post menu, I figured out why, and, since it appears that is part of how they want the site I borrowed it from to run, I'm not going to defeat the code over there, but it was fun to run across and I wanted to share it).

By Makikomi, my personal ikon from Judo Forums (from a base, but edited and used with permission by the original artist, with my changes).

http://judoinfo.com/discuss/uploads/photo-3038.gif




So, now when I see that, I will remember it is really me, being thrown.

Torture, John Yoo, Obscenities and Silliness

My brother derailed his military career over issues involving torture, avoiding it and advocating changes in policy that peaked when fifty generals signed a statement in opposition to what he proposed. That was a score or so of years ago. He was right. They are still wrong.

Torture is never an option. That is because it never works (intimidating people, co-opting people, interrogating people -- all of those work -- but torture and breaking people does not). That is well known from the Israeli experiences, other history and the FBI's long studies of the issues. Torture is merely an obscenity, seductive, and pornographic. It should never be an option [see link in sidebar to blog on that point].

On the other hand, should we prosecute people for having opinions we disagree with, advocating positions and being persuasive? Should John Yoo be prosecuted?

Before you answer, consider the academic who felt that Secretary of State Rice's doctorate should have been revoked for political reasons. The academic was brought up short when it was pointed out that if doctorates could be so easily revoked, the most likely target was not a close friend of the President of the United States, but Ms. Rice's critics.

Those who would prosecute Yoo are, quite frankly, the same people Ann Coulter advocates having tried for treason. Put to a vote in before the public, we already know from opinion polls that Yoo would win and his critics would be exiled from the country. Most of the efforts to attack Yoo are silliness at best.

At the worst they are an attempt to criminalize advocacy for those we disagree with. I see it often enough in efforts to make criminal defense attorneys share the fate of their clients, the attempts to castigate investigative writers like Taubes, claiming that his advocacy will do nothing but lead to early deaths for thousands and that he should be preemptively jailed for murder.

Of course, you may say, Taubes is right. At least he looks right now. But if I were using the scientific consensus of ten years ago, Taubes would be in jail.

Some things are obscene. Torture is one of those. Others are at best silliness, such as attempting to jail or assault the advocates of those we disagree with us, especially when they
represent the thinking of the majority. Should that succeed, what protects the minority from payback? Personally, I think of payback fantasies, revenge fantasies, as a form of pornography.

Our country deserves better. It needs better. Neither the obscenely attractive pornography of torture in a "just cause" nor that of revenge fantasies is one that we should allow to captivate us. We need to free ourselves, in all ways, from torture, obscenity and silliness.

---

For more on torture, read http://www.harpers.org/archive/2010/01/hbc-90006368

John Fabian (CarterSteelGuitars)

John was a man of great integrity, in his passing he will be missed.

http://bb.steelguitarforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=176553 -- his on-line memorial.

Assume Good Intent

There are two important life lessons that are often in conflict. The first is "not everyone wishes you well." The second is "assume good intent." So very often we have failed to teach, and to learn ourselves, that we should assume good intent on the part of our children, our parents, and most of all, our spouse.

---

Our bad habits, our compulsive disorders and our addictions are all a part of us, not an evil demon riding us. More so, they are a part of us that is not hostile to us and they are not our enemy. They are a part of us that strives to help us as strongly as they can.

The problem is that they are misguided int heir efforts, which is go terribly awry. That is why our weaknesses can become strengths. It is also why recovery from our issues needs to be spiritual, not just physical, to heal that loss of perception and that misguidance that causes us to be self destructive from forces within us that are trying to help us with all their misdirected might.

Recovery, recognition and transformation redirect our mistakes to positive channles where they strengthen us rathr than destroy us (note Ether 12:27). If we have the humility to surrender to God and seek help from a power greater than ourselves, and can do so with honesty, we can find the transcendence we need. We do not lose ourselves, we do not finally free our souls from destructive demons that are riding us; we regain our self. All of it, this time all pulling in the same direction with the same vision.

---

Last week was my 25th wedding anniversary and the 17th anniversary of Jessica's death. I had some vacation time, but ended up having to go into the office for two days that I had scheduled off that week. Win was sick (but modern antibiotics are a wonderful thing), so all in all it is probably all for the best that our travel plans fell through.

What surprises me is just just how joyful I felt in the week.

On facebook.

Academic Bait-and-Switch -- a series

I ran across this series of posts. It was dramatic for what it said about some cultures:

Excerpts:

When I was a graduate student, I participated in academic fraud. I didn't plagiarize to get an article published or inflate my CV to get a job. I did something worse. I accepted a teaching assistantship as a doctoral student at Elite National University.

By becoming a TA there, I took on a responsibility for which I had no qualifications: teaching first-year composition courses.

and

What's more, Dr. Dreedle himself confirmed the lessons underlying the speakers' presentations. One day when a couple of TA's groaned about grading essays while trying to complete their own papers, he said, "If you ever have to choose between your own studies and the freshmen, shortchange the freshmen. They aren't the reason you came to Elite National University."

When the director of the first-year composition program tells his own instructors that they aren't at the university to teach, what more truth could a grad student ask for?

Many good posts

Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 and 5

Also, my nephew R--rk (who had a triple major in physics, math and classical studies) at U.C. Santa Clara remarked on just how sharp the TAs and adjuncts were there. Given he graduated number one in his class and just finished a PhD at MIT, I'd say he was pretty likely to have been correct. Schools differ greatly, not all are as dysfunctional as the one in these essays.

Larry Echohawk -- An Unexpected Gift

The most vivid realization of that promise for me came in 1990. That year I ran for the office of attorney general of Idaho. I knew I faced a daunting task because there had not been a member of my political party elected as attorney general in 20 years. There had not been a person from my county elected to any statewide office in 38 years. And, in all the history of the United States, there had never been an American Indian elected to any statewide, state constitutional office (like governor, lieutenant governor, secretary of state, or attorney general).

Furthermore, right after I filed my declaration of candidacy with the secretary of state, a political writer for the largest newspaper in the state wrote that I had no chance to win the race for attorney general. He said that I had started the election with three strikes against me because I was a Mormon, an Indian, and a Democrat. In response to this challenge, I just went out and worked as hard as I could on that campaign.

No Elves

A CNN news story.

Bloggersnacker in Texas

It was really fun and I met some great people. I'll let the "official" report go up at FMH, but I have an informal picture (the posed ones will probably be up at FMH before long).

Anyone who wants my Mormon Matters post archive: http://mormonmatters.org/author/stephen-marsh/

The post about Eve is at http://mormonmatters.org/2008/11/28/if-your-heart-is-turned/ turns out my guest post at FMH was on part member families.

The Divine Chorus

Becoming one with God is often seen as moving towards totally unison with God. I've been thinking though, after reading a discussion of how God could be a divine concert, and it made me think that becoming one with God might be more like moving in harmony with God, joining in a divine chorus.

I like the thought that we seek harmony rather than unison.

The day Heather was grabbed by the Mexicans

We were in the Wichita Falls Airport and three Mexican ladies grabbed Heather. Good thing too, a rattlesnake had just fallen off of the luggage conveyor belt (it ran from outside under a rain cover to inside -- a very small airport) and she was going forward to try to pet it. It took awhile before they calmed down enough to speak English instead of Spanish, but they understood we were grateful for their help.

This story -- http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23784226/ -- reminded me of the event.

I'm still grateful to those three ladies. Funny the things you look back at with thanks.

Some interesting essays in evidence based child rearing

We have a baseline sense of what society considers appropriate, moral behavior, and we have a sense of where we fit in that. If we do something that is better than our norm, we balance it out with something a bit devious: it's a zero-sum game.

Of course the solution is to change the baseline, recognizing that if you don't change the baseline you will just get resource shifting, not improvement.

Should Children Redshirt Kindergarten?

It seems that fewer parents are comfortable with their child being one of the youngest in the class, the runts of the litter. By simply holding them back, parents can ensure their child begins the rat race as one of the oldest, most mature kids in class.

Does it give them an advantage or does it just slow them down?

The children’s reasoning scores, on average, leapt 32%. Translated to an IQ standard, that bumped them 13 points.

For comparison, consider that a 12 point gain is normally how much a child’s IQ goes up after an entire year of school. By giving the children precisely targeted games, Bunge and Mackey were able to beat that, in just 20 hours of game playing.

Go Sandy and Rich -- improving the IQ of America's kids, one game at a time ;)

New Research: Blaming Others Is Contagious

Important to think about.

Christmas Trees

We had a year that having a tree was too painful. But Heather needed a tree, so I bought a small tree (in a pot) at Albertsons and she had it in her room. She and Alison decorated it with ornaments they made from the gold foil Reese's Peanut Butter Cup seasonal candy. So we had a tree, without a tree in the front room.

Today we bought a tree and put it up in the front room. I was in charge of pruning away excess decorations. Then Rachel asked me which decorations were the most valuable. I pointed her to the ones Jessica made in the month before she died. Just Popsicle stick reindeer ornaments.

Suddenly it is too much for me, so I'm here. I'll be back in with them in a minute.

Escaping from utter poverty

Marion Zimmer Bradley used to advise people on how to escape utter poverty. A successful writer, well regarded speaker and family person, she also took a fair amount of time to help others. Her preferred path was to have people learn typing and filing skills. One high school typing class is all the training it takes and local government, health care and business had an almost endless appetite for workers at that level (the classic "clerk-typist" position). My summer before law school I worked in one of these jobs when my internship was disrupted by someone who held my mail.

Photocopies and word processing dropped the number of typists by 70% or more. The career path no longer exists as it once was. There are few replacements. They are not as easy physically or as pleasant. Filing jobs still exist, though computers continue to consume them. I'm posting about an alternative.

The first alternative is the certified nurses aide. It is a six week class, often a hospital will subsidize it for a worker. Bottom rung job in health care. But from there, there are a number of related training opportunities. CNA -> tech -> advanced tech or practical nurse -> advanced nursing degree or advanced tech or physician's assistant. Working and going to school or training. From the bottom rung to more than $200,000.00 a year (without becoming an M.D.).

Harder, not as pleasant, but you can start that path without any skill but the ability to read at a sixth grade level or less and the ability to work with alacrity. Many women take the path to escape abusive or hopeless situations, many men to find a place to start working when they've bottomed out of school and life. I've taken the depositions of doctors who got a similar start.

The road can be very long, but it is a road and one that almost anyone can start.

There are not that many lifelines out there. This is one.

Geoengineering, climate change and what should we fear?

Since it's technically possible and not all that hard to get going, we really need to talk about it and hopefully get treaties in place before someone takes this technology and does something massively stupid ....

Something to think and talk about. A presentation taped September, 2007, long before Climategate or Superfreakeconomics.

For more, visit http://www.newcoolthang.com/index.php/2009/11/global-warming-tedtalks-2/1610/

There is a lot to think about, especially since almost any approach is likely to create incredible human hardship and suffering, from doing nothing to aggressive responses, both in crashing the world economies to stop carbon emissions to risk taking without proper study.

A lot to think about.

A delightful day, I am grateful for so many things

Too much to list, but I should note that some people who missed last week's party showed up today and it was delightful. Thanksgiving day was a day of gratitude and the spirit of the day still remains with me.

Finding a place as you age

Suzette Haden Elgin wrote a book, The Grandmother Principles, that is really very good. It teaches people how to be grandmothers who will be loved and cherished. The problem is that many people look at the potential roles and say "why not me?"

• Ruling Matriarch
• Entertainer
• Cherished Family Member

All three of these can look good. The problem is that most efforts to be a ruling matriarch only make one into a pecking harridan. Most people feel no need to be dominated or controlled. Most methods to accomplish that role only alienate and cause pain and resentment.

Entertainers end up competing with television, books and games. Usually they end up spending time pushing boundaries becasue in every other way they exhaust their ourve. While boundary pushing is great for a six year old, eventually you end up being old, rude and skanky, if not irrelevant.

To be cherished requires grace and patience. You have to learn to listen, to love and to console without offering advice or prescriptions. To be the person everyone goes to for a listening ear, a word of love and encouragement, a place of peace.

There are other things a grandparent can do to nourish and support an extended family. Dr. Elgin's book covers them. But you need to start with a foundation of peaceful love and patience.

For more on the book, click on the link, then pick it up through interlibrary loan.

The Grandmother Principles by Suzette Haden Elgin (Paperback - April 1, 2000)

Other Editions: Hardcover, Hardcover

You are invited for dessert at my house

This Saturday, from 7:00 to 9:30. People will probably be coming early and staying late.

Wanted to celebrate Heather being home, and she can't get Bluebell Ice Cream at BYU.

I'll also have fat free Fage yogurt for those, like me, who generally don't eat desserts.

It has been too long since our last party at the house. Feel free to come and just bring an appetite, children welcome, just like the last time.

Heather is back only for a limited time (just for Thanksgiving, then back to get ready for finals). We have missed her.

---

Update, the party went really well, though we had some people show up at 4:00 or so and others came a bit late so they left around 11:00 p.m.

Still, I wouldn't have missed anyone. It was grand.

Funny things heard about myself

Over the years, I've heard some funny things about myself.

Even Steve Marsh can't do that

Just because you can do it doesn't mean it is possible.

I'm Steve Marsh, but I'm not the real Steve Marsh.

The first was when I was going through documents with some other attorneys. All that mattered was whether or not one of six boxes was checked in the wrong position. If it was, the document needed to be pulled, regardless of what it said. The other guy was reading each document. Once I explained to him how I was going so fast ...

The third was another RPG designer, giving an address to a group. He's very good, anything I've done, he probably could have done, but he wanted to make sure they did not give him credit for my work (which was earlier). I wish I had saved it when I ran across it on the internet. Funny thing is that we both go by Stephen, and get called Steve.

But the second to last has given me thought. There are things, that just because they have happened, or just because they can be done, does not mean that they are possible -- they should be treated as anomalies rather than as guides or examples for someone else. We were talking RPG design, but the rule applies in many ways to many things.

Now that I'm in my fifties, there are things I could do in my twenties that I can't do, and that are not possible for me to do, which seems so strange, since there are so many things I do so much better.

I'll do a better post on this later, but I've been thinking about it, how just because things have happened doesn't mean that they are possible enough to be part of our expectations, goals or plans.

It is a sobering thought, at times.

---

Realized that what had gotten to me was being at Stake Priesthood Meeting without my dad. Finally came to the surface how much I miss him, again.

Freedom and Honesty

I was reading and I came across the following, years ago, and then again recently.

We need complete freedom to express our honest feelings [to God]

...

Freedom is an essential factor in the healing process because recovery is based on the practice of honest with ourselves and with [God].

It strikes me that in all types of recovery, freedom and honesty, that is, the freedom to be honest with ourselves and with God, rather than to be bound up or hidden, is important. So that our sorrow, our anger, our fear and our pain can, and should be acknowledged with ourselves and with God.

The key to her heart ...

There are a lot of different kind of women in the world. However, for the kind I found that I really liked (and the best of which I ever found I was lucky enough to marry), one of the keys to her heart was helping her study.

You can tell a lot about what a person values by what you can do that makes them happy and what is most important to them. I remember one sister in a ward I was in who said that the only things that mattered were if a guy had hair and could dance and she discovered after marriage that her husband was going bald and didn't like to dance. Perhaps she should have been looking for different things, or perhaps just at a different person.

One of the reasons the human species is still around is that there are so many different things that different women value. I knew a girl who really valued how tall guys were. We were friends and got along well, but I called it off after one date when I discovered that was important to her (I'm not tall). My wife likes bright guys and people who find thinking and improving themselves important. I can do that, especially the improving as I've a lot of room for improvement.

One of my favorite quotes

What a pity it would be if we were led by one man to utter destruction! Are you afraid of this? I am more afraid that this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether they are led by Him. I am fearful they settle down in a state of blind self-security, trusting their eternal destiny in the hands of their leaders with a reckless confidence that in itself would thwart the purposes of God in their salvation, and weaken that influence they could give to their leaders, did they know for themselves, by the revelations of Jesus, that they are led in the right way. Let every man and woman know, by the whispering of the Spirit of God to themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates, or not. This has been my exhortation continually....

[Just brought up again by someone commenting on it here]

Worth a visit I think.

Working on decorating

Still trying to decorate the house.

You know how it is, though a couple 72" Frazetta posters seemed like just the right touch, no one agreed ;)

Heather and Rachel on vacation from this summer.

Rorschach Tests and our Hearts

Rorschach Tests offer a great deal to us. In some ways, much of life is a Rorschach Ink Blot, just as the scriptures are, that allows us to find ourselves in what we see.

I was reading http://www.faithpromotingrumor.com/2009/11/of-analogies-rorschach-tests-and-elder-oaks/ and it made me think of just how many things function as carte blanches that we can read into what we hope for or fear.

Our current president of the United States is one. So much that swirls around him seems to be what people have read into him for good or ill. I see that in other areas as well.

Which is why it is sometimes good to use the things we react to as hints as to what we might see if we looked into our own hearts.

What has happened to my heart

Something happened to my heart, my center.

What brought it to mind was reading the travails of a young woman who felt God led her in a direction that came up dry. She had pain and confusion and questions of God and about God. I've been through that in my life. Both in God not giving me the results I prayed for when each of my daughters was dying, and in the times I felt pushed in a direction or towards a goal that did not seem to bear the indicated fruit.

The hard part is that it has come in the context of feeling God's love and grace. Of being blessed, including occasional physical miracles (like when I was kicked in the head hard enough to rock me back and off my feet, and had not a mark on me).

But what happened is that I realized that I've come to accept that I do not know the meaning of things other than that God is mindful of me and that his grace and love are there. Reminds me of how Seraphine writes of her heart being healed by the atonement when she wasn't looking.

I learned to accept the atonement, to rely on grace and love, and to begin to surrender. To become willing to let God cure me of my infirmities. That has what has begun to happen to my heart.

On the dentist alleged to have given people AIDS intentionally

http://www.nytimes.com/1991/07/30/health/the-doctor-s-world-an-aids-puzzle-what-went-wrong-in-dentist-s-office.html

Is not a bad place to start.

In addition, see:

http://www.annals.org/content/124/2/255.full

But see (and do not skip)

http://www.annals.org/content/124/2/250.full (which disagrees with the above)

and http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20113381,00.html which suggests that stories of the one patient being LDS are false.

Just an update, since what I'd read and heard in the past is not necessarily accurate.

On Global Warming and Cooling

From an essay from a new book:

1. If the Earth’s warming leads to global catastrophe, that would be a really bad outcome.

TRUE / FALSE

2. Even when there is enormous uncertainty about the likelihood of future cataclysms, it makes sense to invest now in finding ways to avoid such cataclysms.

TRUE / FALSE

3. Economists estimate that the costs of reducing carbon emissions are likely to be upwards of $1 trillion per year.

TRUE / FALSE

The correct answer to all three of these economic questions is “TRUE.” These are the three key economic facts that are critical to the arguments in our chapter. The first question doesn’t require any further explanation. The answer to the second question has been hammered home by Martin Weitzman’s work in the area, which we cite in SuperFreakonomics, as well as a newer paper that Weitzman has written. The third fact is based on the analysis of Nicholas Stern. These cost estimates are obviously highly speculative, but the true cost of reducing carbon emissions is likely to be within two orders of magnitude of this number.

The essay is at: Global Warming Fact Quiz

The book is

SuperFreakonomics: Global Cooling, Patriotic Prostitutes, and Why Suicide Bombers Should Buy Life Insurance by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner (Hardcover - Oct 20, 2009)

Buy new: $29.99 $16.47

20 new from $14.99

It is what happens when applied statisticians get loose.

How to Have Less Crime and Less Punishment

Imprisonment at five times the historical level in the United States, and at five times the level of any of the countries with which we would like to compare ourselves, has not been sufficient to fully reverse the growth in crime; current crime rates are still at 2.5 times the level of the late 1950s and early 1960s. Even that discouraging number understates how much worse things are now than they were half a century ago; today’s high crime rates persist in the face not only of ferocious punishment but also of greatly enhanced – and very costly – adaptations by potential victims to avoid being victimized. Those adaptations range from buying alarm systems to moving to the suburbs. Most of all, they involve avoiding risky situations. The need to take such precautions leaves all of us less free than Americans were half a century ago.

An amazing essay. Click on the link to read the rest of it.

Is there an alternative to brute force? There is reason to think so, and pieces of that alternative approach can be seen working in scattered places throughout the world of crime control. But the first step in getting away from brute force is to want to get away from brute force: to care more about reducing crime than about punishing criminals, and to be willing to choose safety over vengeance when the two are in tension.

If for a moment we thought about “crime” as something bad that happens to people, like auto accidents or air pollution or disease, rather than as something horrible that people do to each other—if we thought about it, that is, as an ordinary domestic-policy problem—then we could start to ask how to limit the damage crime does at as little cost as possible in money spent and suffering inflicted.

Resources for Grief

There are lots of choices, but I'd recommend the following:

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/resources/available_brochures.aspx -- all of their material, for free, on-line.

Important, all of these can be obtained through interlibrary loan, for free. Because what will connect for you, and what will not, is extremely personal, don't buy any book you haven't read through the library for free first.

The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith by John W. James and Russell Friedman (Paperback - Mar 3, 2009)

When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses by John W. James, Russell Friedman, and Dr. Leslie Matthews (Paperback - Jun 4, 2002)

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver (Paperback - Nov 2, 2004)

And

When God Doesn't Make Sense by James C. Dobson (Paperback - Aug 31, 1997)

Buy new: $14.99 $10.19

124 Used & new from $0.01

What I have learned about grief

http://monicathemighty.blogspot.com/2009/10/what-i-have-learned-about-grief-842004.html

Very well said. Worth a visit.

Me at a karate tournament

The throw just slipped right in there, reflex. I was really pleased.

It is a reprise to http://adrr.com/bengoshi/judo3.htm which I wrote about twenty years ago to capture something I did to amuse Win (she came to watch some Judo work-outs. One of them I used only this sequence of throws).

Failure in relationships

There are four major indicators or causes of relationships that are headed towards failure:

• Harsh start-ups. When conversations start with criticism, sarcasm or contempt, they are referred to as conversations that have begun with a harsh start-up. A conversation that begins with a harsh start-up will end on a negative note. A harsh start-up pretty much dooms a conversation to negative results, which is a failure. If you have a conversation that begins that way, stop the conversation and start over, whether you started talking that way to a child, a spouse, a co-worker or a subordinate.
  
  
• Toxic patterns. There are four.

1. criticism rather than complaint. A complaint addresses a specific action or event, criticism is global. "You don't care" or "You are forgetful" or anything that sends the message "something is wrong with you" rather than "something is wrong with what you did" or "please change the way you are acting/what you are doing" is a criticism rather than a complaint.
2. contempt. Sarcasm and cynicism reflect contempt. Contempt leads to conflict (obvious or hidden) and withdrawal and preempts reconciliation, blocking it.
3. defensiveness. It doesn't work. The hidden message is always "the problem is not me, it is you and I want away from you."
4. stonewalling. Tuning out is turning away and giving up, whether you recognize it or not.

• Rejected repair attempts. A repair attempt is a call for a time out, a white flag, an attempt to set things right. When repair attempts are rejected it is a rejection of reconcilliation. For example "you left the milk out and there is a mess." Someone who says "that sure was stupid of me" is making a repair attempt. If you pile on at that point, you are rejecting the attempt. Children often make very blotchy repair attempts. When they do, teach them how to make better attempts, don't just crush the blotch.
  
  
• Loss of positive memories. You need to build, refresh, recall, share and nourish positive memories. Positive memories lead to positive attitudes. Do you give someone the benefit of the doubt because of positive attitudes or do you just assume the worst? If you are assuming the worst, you are killing your positive memories.

Obviously if you want to repair a relationship you start by eliminating the harsh start-ups that have probably crept in. If you have one, you apologize, stop and start over. If you slip into a toxic pattern, catch yourself and start over. Practice repair. Work on positive memories on a daily basis.

If you do those things you can repair and save a failing relationship. If you are in a relationship that has those elements, it will probably fail (well, the r^2 on failure is over .83).

Don't ever let yourself start saying "you always" or "you never" or "you are so selfish" or ... unless your goal is to end the relationship. Do spend time every day with a positive memory (the reason for things like gratitude lists). Do share positive memories every day.

You can (and probably should) complain, it is how people help each other improve. Part of a useful boss's feedback is complaints. Properly training a secretary includes teaching them to complain. But universal criticism (as defined above) is useless and toxic. It poisons what should be memories that make a couple glad of each other, replacing those memories with acid burns.

Nourish good memories and good responses instead.

The Hobbit meets the Internet ...

Dear MR BAGGINS, Fellow Conspirator,

I am Thorin Oakenshield, descendant of Thrain the Old and grandson of Thror who was King under the Mountain. I am writing you to discuss our plans, our ways, means, policy and devices for rescuing our treasure from the dragon Smaug.

During the reign of Thror our kingdom was a prosperous one. Kings used to send for our smiths, and reward even the least skillful most richly. Fathers would beg us to take their sons as apprentices, and pay us handsomely, especially in food-supplies, which we never bothered to grow or find for ourselves. Altogether those were good days for us, and the poorest of us had money to spend and to lend, and leisure to make beautiful things just for the fun of it, not to speak of the most marvellous and magical toys, the like of which is not to be found in the world now-a-days.

Undoubtedly that was what brought the dragon. Dragons steal gold and jewels from men and elves and dwarves, wherever they can find them; and they guard their plunder as long as they live (which is practically for ever, unless they are killed), and never enjoy a brass ring of it. There was a most specially greedy, strong and wicked worm called Smaug. One day he flew up into the air and came south. The dragon settled on our mountain in a spout of flame and routed out all the halls, and lanes, and tunnels, alleys, cellars, mansions and passages. After there were no dwarves left alive inside the mountain he took all their wealth for himself.

In view of this, I received your contact through a friend and counselor, an ingenious wizard, who noted you as a Burglar who wants a good job, plenty of Excitement and reasonable Reward. And I and my twelve companions have agreed to give you 10% of the total gold and jewels that the dragon Smaug now rests upon if you can join us on our long journey. When you have agreed please tell us the place where you dwell and send one hundred pence so that we might travel to you.

Please hold what I have told you in strict confidence and I look forward to your earliest response.

THORIN OAKENSHIELD

I just received this from a friend.

The Hobbit meets an on-line scam ... ;)

Relationships

I've really enjoyed Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

It is a book on communication, but totally different from the usual approach. The research shows that there is a 90% correlation between some communication patterns and a marriage that succeeds or fails.

Do you have harsh openings when you talk to someone, or do you have gentle ones? When you have a disagreement, do you use sarcasm, do you ever change your mind, do you value your spouse's opinions (and care to hear them) or do you downgrade anyone you disagree with?

Do either of you make repair or soothing attempts, and if one occurs, do you respond to it?

Those are all patterns you can learn to recognize, control and improve.

The book has a lot more than those points, but it teaches them well and they are the core to successful relationships (with friends, at work, or in a marriage). It contains a lot of accessible checklists, advice and patterns you can use. Best, it is data driven rather than modeled on current trends, psych fads or common knowledge and old tales.

Based on it, I've got some rules for talking to a spouse.

1. Never say "you always" or "you never" or "you are." That leads to divorce because it devalues your spouse and puts them in the category of "bad" rather than someone you love. If you want not to love them, fine, but otherwise take a different approach.
2. Never use sarcasm in any emotional discussion with your spouse. If there is emotion, then you should never belittle, degrade or use sarcasm (you shouldn't anyway).
3. Be gentle with each other.
4. Never pile on. When a repair attempt occurs (e.g. "you forgot to pick up the milk." [not, "you always forget to pick up the milk"] "I did, that was stupid" -- that is a repair attempt) If you pile on a that stage (e.g. "you sure are stupid!") you are sending the message that you don't want change, you just want to hurt the other person.
5. Spend some time each day supporting your spouse's venting. Agree with them, don't try to fix it or offer solutions, don't try to talk them out of venting. Take at least 15 minutes and make sure they do at least 95% of the talking.

Obviously there is a lot more than my conclusions in this book (ok, it may not be obvious, and with some books, there would not be, but there are in this case). Different people will have different take away points (and I have more, but I just wanted five for this post), with different amounts of tangibility (application vs. general principles).

Worth getting through interlibrary loan or used at amazon.com. Bears revisiting and the checklists and quizes are useful for application.

I may do some more posts based on the book.

Eating Lunch

Back before my life adjusted, I used to eat lunch just down the street from work once in a while. I'd clean the plate and probably use a cup of sauce to do it with (a sugary red sauce the Chinese restaurant used).

Then, as I began to lose weight and I ate lunch at home every day. That went on for more than three years.

We moved, the house isn't close enough, and I've been eating lunch at work for the past six or so months.

I finally went back to the Chinese place, had asparagus chicken again. This time I skipped the rice, skipped the sauce, didn't finish the asparagus and enjoyed the chicken. It was like an entirely different experience.

---

For a link to the article I read recently:

How American Health Care Killed My Father - The Atlantic ...

and a commentary on it:

How American Health Care Killed My Father, David Henderson ...

Not my experience. Not my story. But interesting and a comment on the health care reform debate.

Reflections on Karate and Wado Ryu

Completely off of my usual topics.

Modern karate began with Funakoshi Gichin (or Gichin Funakoshi in the west) whose greatest skill was his impeccable sense of manners and his complete lack of self promotion.

He taught a style of punching and kicking (and other strikes) with high stances that operated from the balls of the foot. Most of the students he taught were Judoka -- people with a great deal of training, experience and competition titles in Judo.

He had two heir apparents. Hironori Ōtsuka and Funakoshi's son. Ōtsuka was not part of the university and Judo groups and was eventually alienated and founded Wado-Ryu. Funakoshi's son Gigō (Yoshitaka) Funakoshi died early of tuberculosis .

As a result, Nakayama Masatoshi (M. Nakayama in the west) became the dominant force in Japanese karate, not just Shotokan by virtue of incredible political skills. A PhD who was the director of physical education at Takushoku University, he had sophisticated and developed teaching and planning skills, which he devoted to unifying the teaching of karate as a system. He also had his background in Kendo, not Judo. He also cooperated with Hidetaka Nishiyama.

Under Nakayama the transition to lower stances and driving from the heel (much like an Olympic powerlifter drives from the heel) matured and completed (though it started with Gigō Funakoshi who is credited with originating the concepts), with a transforming ripple that affected all of the techniques, kata and applications.

As an aside, many of the conflicts between karate instructors can be better understood in terms of the University caste system vs. the old fashioned birth caste system (e.g. many early karate-ka had university credentials and gained status as graduates of the Japanese equivalents of the American Ivy League schools in a Japan where that status was very important -- these are the same people who refereed matches in suits and ties). The older birth caste system (which ranked people's status by the nobility of their parents -- Samurai caste and various degrees in that caste, for example) was fading and being supplanted at the time. Many in that caste had martial arts traditions in their families, but due to the social shifts were unable to finish university educations.

As to Wado and Shotokan, which is better and which is the better way to begin martial arts instruction? I'm not qualified to decide. Shotokan can have tai sabaki (when our club in Wichita Falls trained under Nic http://nikchapapas.typepad.com/ every work out included a fair amount of tai sabaki drills as a part of the warm-up), Wado can have a great deal of power. I had Judo training before Karate. I admire people in both styles, I just could not continue in Shotokan after Robin died. Wado is something I can do right now, and I was able to keep my dad's death from derailing me.

But, I had not seen the thoughts I'm expressing here expressed anywhere else, so I wrote this post and edited the Wiki a little. I train because it has been part of my life since I was a teenager, and I'm glad to find a place I can train that is not overwritten by emotional issues or too far to drive from my house.

What should we call Triage?

Every health care plan has triage of some sort. If nothing else, there are limits of time and risk so that accepting one treatment plan will take time that can not be spent on something else.

But most have limits that cut in before there are risks that people are unwilling to take or limits on just what sort of treatment people choose. Insurance won't cover experimental treatment. Some policies have lifetime treatment caps. Most electives are outside of coverage. That is triage.

The first time I encountered triage was when a guy ran a red light and hit me. We ended up in the same ER and they took care of him first. Triage is applying limited resources in order of need and effectiveness. It is often not pretty and often not fair.

Health plans have triage There are limits to the time and money available. People tend to want three things. First, they want more than they are paying for, second, they often want treatment past what other people would judge to be the point of diminishing returns and third, they often want treatment so they can avoid being compliant in observing their own health.

At times, triage comes together harshly. In WWII, antibiotics went first to treat venereal diseases, and then what was left over went to treat those injured in combat. Generally, combat infections resulted in death. V.D. got you treatment. But the treated went back to war, those rotting from combat wounds would have gone home (and, you could treat 20 cases of V.D. for the same antibiotics that one infected wound would take).

Often, triage also seems arbitrary. Decisions made seem to be random, often decided by cultural matters. Sometimes the decisions are mechanical, made in advance by formulas (Oregon's hierarchy list for example).

So, what do you call triage? In some ways it decides who gets an extra chance at life and who dies now. It also decides who gets treatment for non-compliance and who gets optional benefits (e.g. dialysis for for kidney problems brought on by not controlling sugar intake, AZT for AIDS, abortions, Viagra, or cosmetic surgery -- you name it, it might be on someone's list).

In addition, at some point, medical care is no longer done for someone, it is done to someone. Who decides that point? Some people would pay a million dollars to live an extra hour in pain rather than die an hour earlier in peace, especially if it is someone else's money.

It is disingenuous to claim that triage and plans for triage do not exist. It is a lie to deny that. However, it is questionable to characterize such plans as "death panels." Perhaps, perhaps not. But denying that triage exists is not only a lie, it is a harmful lie, because it stops communication about the real issue.

Given that perhaps half of Medicare money goes to mostly futile expenditures in the last ninety days of life, given the growing expense of non-compliance, given all of these other issues, we need a rational discussion on triage. Avoiding it by claiming that it is not happening or can be avoided serves no one. Until we can have an open and honest discussion on triage, we will be in denial, with all the increasing failures that causes.

What will be the answer we get? I don't know. What is the right answer? I don't know. But we can't find either the right answer or any answer if we don't have an honest discussion.

Triage in a Finite World

There is always triage. If nothing else, there is never enough time, and everything done excludes something there was not enough time to do as well. In every area of choice, choices have to be made. In addition, for most of us, there are financial and political limits, as well as limits to risk. Nikita Khrushchev may have ruled Russia with an iron fist, but he could not obtain a day at Disneyland for all his power.

Currently, the limits of time and money are coming to the fore in health care. Oregon faced it head on. They ranked treatments by cost effectiveness and then matched them up with State resources. If there is money, and your treatment does not mean someone else is denied a more effective treatment (for spending the money on your treatment instead), you get the treatment at state expense. If the answer is different, they will pay for counseling and for euthanasia treatments (which are legal in that state).

The easiest way to finance health care for all is to take the current dollars spent and pour them over into a new system that covers everyone. But if that is done, you will get different triage choices than the current system offers.

Now triage happens. Insurance will often not pay for things (which reminds me of battles in past years to force insurers to pay for treatments now known to be failures). But there are often improvements. Hypoplastic left ventrical used to be a death sentence. Now 60% of those treated with surgery survive, though year after year after year of failures occurred first.

We need an open, honest and extensive national discussion on triage in a finite world. Not only about what we cannot accomplish, but about the things we can.

Becoming a Category of One

Part of being unique in a field is to have two virtues:

Trust, those you deal with must be able to trust you to do what you say and to keep your promises. They must trust your ability to deliver.

Reliability, people need to be able to rely on you, that things will be what they expect

Yes, these two virtues are very similar, they are part of a package, that needs both elements.

In addition to the two virtues, you need to have a core concept. Much of that is being able to answer the question "What is your story?" You need to be able to answer what it is that you do in a way that has meaning.

Finally, you need to realize that the goal you are seeking is not painless or effort free. Reaching the so-called position of a category of one is not trite. If things don't change, you have not made the necessary commitment. If bonuses go to the top of an organization in a change initiative, before anything happens or before positive long-term results have been measured, you have already failed.

Assuming you want to be extraordinary and that you are willing to do the work, there is a book that tells you much of how to do it. It also addresses the two questions:

1. Why you might need to make the effort.
2. Why you instead of someone else.

It would be nice to see an ADR related book of this type for Mediation and other ADR providers.

Becoming a Category of One: How Extraordinary Companies Transcend Commodity and Defy Comparison by Joe Calloway (Paperback - Aug 24, 2009)

(28)

Other Editions: Kindle Edition, Hardcover, Paperback

Excerpt - Front Cover: "... Becoming a Category of One How Extraordinary Companies Transcend Commodity and Defy Comparison 2nEr Editiol ..."Surprise me! See a random page in this book.

---

I should note that I enjoy reviewing books. Occasionally I get sent review copies of books that I really don't like or that don't speak to me. For example, The No Complaining Rule: Positive Ways to Deal with Negativity at Work by Jon Gordon really seemed too short to me.

But, it was just the right length for my boss to borrow and read it (she is sometimes pressed for time, already workign 70 hours a week and a daughter who is an elite skater). Amazingly, I actually kept it on my desk for a couple of months, in the vertical position, so that anyone walking in my office would be confronted by it. I'd say it reduced some complaining by 90% or better just by people reading the title every time they came in my office to complain.

The book really worked, just from people having to confront the title.

Why Our Ancestors Put Liars and Cowards to Death

I am realizing why a person was put to death for lying.

An interesting essay.

My dad died

Much sooner than anyone expected, about 7:30 p.m. last night.

I loved him and love him still.

Dying from Parkinson's

Dying from Parkinson's is not linear or mechanical. It has multiple pathways.

• The mind can go to the point where the body becomes deregulated.
• The body can go to the point where one is no longer strong enough to breathe and suffocates.
• Other body systems can weaken and fail, together or in sequence.
• Some people just sleep longer and longer and finally do not wake up.
• Some lose the desire to eat and eventually just fade away from not eating.

All of these pathways are active at the same time and act at different rates for different people, sometimes getting worse and sometimes getting better. I've known a number of people with the disease, each has had different pathways take them to the end. A friend's father, who died recently had a particularly difficult death.

As for my dad, he expected to die a couple of years ago, wanted everyone near him and a blessing to make the transition easier (he was in constant pain, serious delusions and completely bed bound). He recovered and started walking again instead of dying.

But, it was temporary, it looks like he is now in the final decline. He has lost his appetite and begun to waste. That is probably the gentle way. He still recognizes everyone, he is at peace with death now. Hospice comes daily, but there is no concrete time line.

I visit from time to time, Win sits with him on Wednesdays so my mom can spend the morning at the temple, I come by on Saturdays to get him out of the bath (my mom isn't strong enough to get him out) and when he slips and falls to the floor (she isn't strong enough to lift him). He hasn't walked for some time, but he does transition to and from a wheel chair with the tools they gave my mom to make that possible. I suspect that is likely to end soon as he is just not strong enough to help at all in the transitions.

It isn't faster than expected, but it comes and goes irregularly. My mom has lived her life by structure, so this really does not fit, but then life never does.

I've got posts written, will get them up, just wanted to respond to some e-mails here. That's the news from Lake Woebegone, so to speak.

More Philosophy

http://www.principiacomica.com/archive/1.html

Ok, I've only read some of them, but they were funny.

e.g. http://www.principiacomica.com/archive/7.html

And, a choice of philosophy boxes:

http://www.principiacomica.com/archive/augustbox2008.html

Dominion

I'm quoting from http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=2629 but this is great relationship material. Visit over there and read the whole thing.

So here’s my deal, we humans, we are a bunch of messed up sinners. All of us. We’re weak and lazy and selfish and power hungry. I think most all of us would like a dominion in which we are fanned by palm fronds and fed pealed grapes while receiving a foot massage and being read to by Morgan Freeman. Whilst sending our minions off to buy more jello and clean the toilets. Sigh.

But a righteous dominion must exist, no? Or there would be no need to warn of the unrighteous variety. I don’t know if in any substantial way dominion is different from the leadership, the words certainly feel different to me, to be led or to be dominated, even righteously.

THE HANDOUT

Each husband, each father, should ask some questions of himself to see if he may be on the borderline of unrighteous dominion:

1. Do I criticize family members more than I compliment them?

2. Do I insist that family members obey me because I am the father or husband and hold the priesthood?

3. Do I seek happiness more at work or somewhere other than in my home?

4. Do my children seem reluctant to talk to me about some of their feelings and concerns?

5. Do I attempt to guarantee my place of authority by physical discipline or punishment?

6. Do I find myself setting and enforcing numerous rules to control family members?

7. Do family members appear to be fearful of me?

8. Do I feel threatened by the notion of sharing with other family members the power and responsibility for decision making in the family?

9. Is my wife highly dependent on me and unable to make decisions for herself?

10. Does my wife complain that she has insufficient funds to manage the household because I control all the money?

11. Do I insist on being the main source of inspiration for each individual family member rather than teaching each child to listen to the Spirit?

12. Do I often feel angry and critical toward family members?

To which, let me add my own bit of poetry:

WATER

a medley by Steve Marsh

a man is supple and weak when living
hard and stiff when dead

No power or influence can be maintained, except

the hard and the strong are the signs of death
the supple and changing the signs of life

by persuasion, by long suffering, by meekness and by gentleness

that which is forceful will not vanquish
that which is strong will fall to the axe

by kindness and pure knowledge

the strong fails
the supple succeeds

without hypocrisy and without guile

nothing is more submissive and weak than water
yet for breaking mountains, nothing can surpass it

Charity and virtue

that the weak overcome the strong, the
submissive the hard, all know
Yet none can put it into practice

Then the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul

as the dew from heaven and without

compulsory means dominion

shall flow unto thee

Forever and ever

Lao Tze
Tao Te Ching

Joseph Smith
Doctrine and Covenants 121