"Avoid the really tall guys, my wife said"

So, I talk myself into going to a karate tournament.

Of course I haven't been to a karate tournament for over twenty years. I'm in what the AAU calls the "executive" category (just like T-Nation has an over thirty-five lifter category, the AAU has an over thirty-five competitor category).

They put me in novice kata (up to purple belt) as I know only one solid Wado Ryu kata, and I end up in the "intermediate" sparring division (below black belt). They ask me if I mind being combined in, and I figure, its ok, I'm there to learn rather than to win.

Before the tournament, my wife's only advice had been "avoid the really tall guys."

So, does an almost seven foot tall brown belt (half brown, half black belt, whatever that means) count as "really tall?"

Someone I gave a ride to the tournament said when she saw the match start she thought "very bad things are going to happen to Mr. Marsh."

I won the division either 2 or 2 1/2 points to a half point in that final match (I wasn't keeping score and I've been told both, I only know I was up). Now I almost collapsed while taking my gear off as I ran out of juice getting ready for the division bow out and medals, I had really given it my all, but I won novice kata (I know, not a big thing) and intermediate (below black belt) sparring.

My wife worked a hard 24 shift, so she missed the tournament, but she laughed when she heard that I had not been able to avoid the really tall guys.

Problems with the book, Made to Stick

Well, at least with getting the book review done. I keep buying copies for friends who are writers.

Then they keep sending me e-mails like this one:

I just finished reading the Sticky Ideas book.

I cannot thank you enough for it. It most likely will be the most important book I've ever read in connection with PLS stuff. I am going to think long and hard about a lot of things, and make some major changes.

Thank you, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!

Then we talk, and then the final version of the book review gets put off.

However, I have this material to use, with permission, to give you an idea of the book:

Unsticking an Idea
by Chip Heath & Dan Heath,
Authors of Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die

Since Made to Stick came out, many anxious people have asked us, "How do I unstick a sticky idea?" They want to unstick a rumor about their company or a false perception of a particular product. They want to unstick whispered mistruths about political candidates. Once, we were even asked, "How would you unstick Paris Hilton?"

Our answer on that last one was a bit slow in coming. We finally admitted, "You can't." There's no Goo Gone for ideas. Sticky ideas stick. There are millions of people who've come to follow, willingly or unwillingly, the antics of a party-girl heiress. There's no magic sticky incantation that will make us divert our attention to alternative energy, or some other worthy topic. Our best advice, on the Paris Hilton matter, was: Just wait it out. As we age, the memories will fade, and perhaps those neurons will die off entirely. (With any luck, they'll go before the "dress ourselves" neurons.)

But the question -- How do I unstick an idea? -- nagged at us. So we dug into the relevant academic research. It was a long and frustrating search, because there's not much research tackling this topic. But we did find one promising lead that was about sixty-five years old.

During World War II, social scientists had a keen patriotic interest in rumor control. About two-thirds of the rumors during were "wedge-drivers," accusations that provoked anger at various social groups (blacks, Jews, the Brits). These rumors were false and socially destructive, so the government wanted to fight back aggressively. One tactic that seemed to work against wedge-drivers was to redirect the anger and make people mad at the rumormongers. For instance, the rumor-control people would put up posters of Nazi spies spreading rumors to gullible dupes. This primed listeners to react angrily when someone spread a rumor: You're undermining the American war effort by spreading Nazi untruths!

At first, this work in wartime propaganda seemed pretty removed from the concerns of our readers, who want their ideas to stick in business or in school. But then it dawned on us: Trying to unstick an idea is a bad strategy. The World War II rumor-control people weren't trying to unstick an idea. They were shifting the turf and propagating a different, competing idea. Instead of arguing that the rumors themselves were baseless, they argued: The Nazis are trying to trick you. Are you going to fall for that?

This suggests that we shouldn't try to unstick ideas. We should fight sticky with stickier, meet Scotch tape with duct tape.

For decades, McDonald's fought rumors that it used earthworms as filler in its burgers. At first, the company tried to unstick the idea. In 1978, McDonald's officials had denounced the rumors as "completely unfounded and unsubstantiated." (Quotes taken from Newsweek via Snopes.com, the mecca of urban-legend debunking.) Guess which idea was stickier: "earthworms in your meat patties" or "unfounded and unsubstantiated"?

By 1992, Ray Kroc, McDonald's most famous CEO, had come up with a better approach. He said, "We couldn't afford to grind worms into meat. Hamburger costs a dollar and a half a pound, and night crawlers cost six dollars!" That's nice; Kroc is fighting sticky with sticky. Notice the elements of credibility (dollars per pound) and unexpectedness (We can't afford to serve you earthworms). He might even have gone a step further and made a joke about it: "If someone ever tries to sell you a WormBurger, you should worry about them secretly filling it with beef."

Another case of fighting sticky with sticky came during the late 1990s, when e-mailed rumors about nasty computer viruses circulated constantly. According to these rumors, if you clicked the wrong link, or opened the wrong e-mail, you'd destroy your computer. One day, a young systems operator, fed up with the dozens of bogus warnings he received every day, wrote a parody of the rumors:

Warning: if you receive an e-mail with "Goodtimes" in the subject line, DO NOT OPEN IT!!!!! Goodtimes will rewrite your hard drive. It will also scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on your credit cards and use subspace field harmonics to scratch your CDs. It will give your ex your new phone number. It will mix Kool-Aid into your fish tank. It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it.

The parody became a viral hit, as popular as the rumors it mocked. Bill Ellis, a folklorist at Penn State Hazleton, has documented that, as this parody spread, the apocalyptic virus warnings faded away. The parody cleverly provided people with a schema of an overhyped warning. Afterward, if you received more e-mails that fit the schema -- full of overheated language and dire warnings -- you knew to laugh rather than get worried. The young systems operator fought a sticky idea with a stickier idea.

But sometimes the best way to fight a sticky idea is not with a message at all, even a stickier one. Sometimes what you need is a sticky action. Consider the dawn of the automobile era. As described in Hayagreeva Rao's book Market Rebels: How Activists Make or Break Radical Innovations, the gasoline-powered car was greeted, at first, with skepticism and outright fear. People called it a "devilish contraption." It spawned rabid opposition. The Farmer's Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania, for example, demanded that cars traveling at night on country roads "must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear. If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery." One technologist of the time scoffed at the idea that gasoline engines would ever be widely adopted: "You can't get people to sit on an explosion."

That's a sticky idea: simple, concrete, emotional. If you were an entrepreneurial automaker, how would you combat it? Well, the dumb thing to do would be to try to "unstick it" with a message: Go ahead, try telling potential customers, "Don't worry, you're actually sitting on a contained explosion." Oh, and all the top automotive authorities say your fears are "unfounded and unsubstantiated."

Auto enthusiasts chose to act. They created a series of "reliability races" in which automobile inventors would bring their autos together and have them compete on endurance, fuel economy, and hill-climbing ability. Reliability contests were one part product testing and one part festival. The first contest took place in 1895, and by 1912 they had been discontinued, because cars were an accepted social reality. What happened in between was that the automakers gave thousands of people the chance to see firsthand the promise of automobiles -- to see that there was nothing to fear. (In fact, the acclaim Henry Ford received from his performance in the reliability contests enabled him to launch the Ford Motor Company in 1903.)

Note that the auto enthusiasts didn't try to argue their way out of the fears; they acted their way out. They chose a demonstration that was Unexpected (Until today I thought cars were dangerous and unreliable); Concrete (Did you see it take that hill?); Emotional (I can see myself becoming one of those liberated drivers); and Credible (I saw it all with my own eyes!).

So how do you unstick an idea? First of all, be realistic. It took seventeen years for reliability races to establish public trust in the automobile. The rumor about earthworms in McDonald's hamburgers still circulates in some places, despite Ray Kroc's brilliant response. Sticky ideas endure, and, as we've seen in the book, that can be a great thing. It can also be a real nuisance if you're working against a sticky idea that's false.

Our advice is simple: Fight sticky ideas with stickier ideas. We hope we've given you some useful tools for making your ideas sticky. And if you want to unstick Paris Hilton, maybe you should be looking for another fame-hungry heiress to take her place? (We're not sure heiress races will do the trick.)

The above is an excerpt from the book Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die by Chip Heath & Dan Heath. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Excerpted from Made to Stick by Chip Heath & Dan Heath Copyright © 2007 by Chip Heath & Dan Heath. Excerpted by permission of Random House, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Author Bio
Chip Heath, co-author of Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, is a professor of organizational behavior in the Graduate School of Business at Stanford University. He lives in Los Gatos, California.

Dan Heath, co-author of Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, is a Consultant to the Policy Programs of the Aspen Institute. A former researcher at Harvard Business School, he is a co-founder of Thinkwell, an innovative new-media textbook company. He lives in Raleigh, North Carolina.

http://www.madetostick.com/

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First night in our new house

We have our first night in our new house. Now, if I can just get Rachel into her pajamas and to bed so Win and I can go to sleep. A long day, but a good one.

World Class Success

I've read some articles recently on world class success in athletics. Outside of some biology limited sports (e.g. woman's volleyball where if you don't have the kangaroo build you are not going to compete), in many sports about 3% of the population has the physical ability to be world class.

Which is amazing. 3 million people or more in the United States have the physical ability to be in the top 100 in the world in a sport. Obviously there is more.

• http://drannmaria.blogspot.com/2009/02/if-i-have-to-explain-it-maybe-you-cant.html
• http://www.24fightingchickens.com/2009/02/15/how-to-become-a-world-champion/
• http://www.thejudocrusader.com/?p=489

Those links pretty much set out the details. It is a matter of drive and intensity and opportunity. I'm still thinking about how to apply those lessons and insights into what it takes to be a world class father.

Why are people dying in Africa?

MOYO Forty years ago, China was poorer than many African countries. Yes, they have money today, but where did that money come from? They built that, they worked very hard to create a situation where they are not dependent on aid.

SOLOMON What do you think has held back Africans?

MOYO I believe it’s largely aid. You get the corruption — historically, leaders have stolen the money without penalty — and you get the dependency, which kills entrepreneurship. You also disenfranchise African citizens, because the government is beholden to foreign donors and not accountable to its people.

Dead Aid: Why Aid Is Not Working and How There Is a Better Way for Africa by Dambisa Moyo and Niall Ferguson

My parents told me the same thing when they came back from a mission to Kenya (though they spent most of it in Tanzania). The places doing the best were those without foreign aid.

They said that Africans were bright, energetic and the equal of any other group on earth, but for what was being done to them in the name of helping them.

It is amazing that there is actually a surplus of food in the world, yet people starve in Africa.

An old book that captures that is:

Malaria Dreams: An African Adventure by Stuart Stevens (Paperback - Jan 13, 1994)

Pick up a copy at your library. (The review below links to a different review than the one quoted -- but one that captures the book well, down to the book's flaws -- and why I recommend getting this book through your library, not buying it.).

From the Inside Flap
Malaria Dreams is a tale of high adventure across Africa, recounted with the wit and humor that delighted readers of Night Train to Turkistan, Stuart Stevens's highly praised first book.

The story begins when a "geologist" friend mentions to Stevens that he has a Land Rover in the Central African Republic which he'd like to get back to Europe. It's only later, when Stevens discovers that half of Africa thinks his friend is a spy and the other half is convinced he's a diamond smuggler, that the intrepid author begins to realize he should have asked a few more questions before leaving home. And then there's the small problem of the Land Rover's seizure by the minister of mines, who has appropriated it as his personal car. It is a new Land Rover. The minister likes it very much.

Three months later, Stevens and his twenty-three-year-old companion (the only woman to ever transfer from Bryn Mawr to the University of Oklahoma) have somehow managed to drive-though not in the ill-fated Land Rover-across the wildest part of Africa, emerging scathed but still alive on the shores of the Mediterranean.

Malaria Dreams takes readers along on close encounters with killer ants in Cameroon, revolutionary soldiers in the middle of Lake Chad (a huge mudhole lacking any water), and strangely frenzied Peace Corps parties in Niger. There's a long search for a functional set of springs in Timbuktu and near disastrous bouts with sickness and automotive malfunctions in the middle of the Sahara.

Through it all, Stevens and his ex-fashion model companion battle the odds, and often each other, to return home to tell this unlikely, highly amusing tale.

"One of the funniest tales of misadventure to come along in quite a while.... Mr. Stevens has a wonderful eye for the curiosities of human behavior, Third World variety; he is witty, but not at the expense of the Africans."--The New Yorker

"Mr. Stevens emerges from the book not only as an engaging, picaresque hero, but also as a clever and observant writer."--The New York Times

"For an...Africa veteran, Stuart Stevens's Malaria Dreams will bring the pleasure of recognition. For all readers it brings much laughter."--The Wall Street Journal

"[Stevens's] depiction of exotic people and locales is often eloquent. And he succinctly limns the opulent and squalid vestiges of colonialism. Thankfully, he survived the adventure with his dry sense of humor intact."--The Cleveland Plain Dealer

"You would have to be out of your mind to go anywhere with Stuart Stevens, but when the travel is only mental, he is the perfect companion: brave, funny, and ever-watchful."--Martin Amis

A great quote about how culture and tradition inhibits the spirit

Brigham Young:

“[God] would be glad to send angels to communicate further to this people, but there is no room to receive it, consequently, He cannot come and dwell with you. There is a further reason: we are not capacitated to throw off in one day all our traditions, and our prepossessed feelings and notions, but have to do it little by little. It is a gradual process, advancing from one step to another; and as we layoff our false traditions and foolish notions, we receive more and more light, and thus we grow in grace; and if we continue so to grow we shall be prepared eventually to receive the Son of Man, and that is what we are after.” (Journal of Discourses 2:309-318).

My thanks to Lorin for the reminder.

Why some ideas thrive, some die

A friend of mine who is an emeritus professor at Berkeley at a New York Times best seller author had read and commented positively on a book about ideas. I put it on the list of things that some day I'd like to pay attention to. Then I got a review copy.

I'm not finished, I had to take a break and buy copies for a couple of friends, then go to a closing on selling my house and the follow-up closing on the house we are buying. Heather was home for the weekend (to see the house -- I had planned on blogging about how wonderful she is, then found out she knows people who read my blog, so I'm not going to embarrass her by writing in public about how much her mother and I are so really pleased with her) and Rachel was sick (antibiotics seem to have solved that).

But the book is incredible. Even better, it has free, great on-line resources (http://madetostick.com/resources/) and some interesting comments on Amazon.com

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If you've ever wondered why some ideas thrive and spread and some just do not get anywhere, this book is for you. Even more so if you have an idea you want to have spread and thrive.

The Untold Story of Black Mormons

Now available at www.untoldstoryofblackmormons.com

Paypal button and all, for only $25.00 (including shipping and handling).



For a link to their paypal purchase form.

My congratulations to Margaret Young and Darius Gray.

Resilience, then comments on life from my Mom

"I'm not convinced that all the recipients possess remarkable intellectual talents. I am certain, though, that every one has demonstrated the power to persevere."

Resilience is an incredibly useful ability or attribute. Like integrity, it is a matter of training as much as it is of aptitude and inherent attitude. Emotional/social intelligence and resilience are the two most important attributes or characteristics in finding success. Interestingly enough, they are two things badly hampered by ADD and Asperger Syndrome. Further, both are culturally influenced, good social and emotional intelligence in one setting will not always transfer into another.

If you've ever wondered why gpa and lsat scores (for example, both indicators of academic and regular intelligence) actually over predict the success of black law students (meaning that if you have a black and a white student with the same gpa/lsat indicators, the white student will perform significantly better), the cultural differences are the key. How important parts of emotional and social intelligence are came home to me when studying some parts of legal education on a project.

But if you can teach your children something, rather than tutoring them in math, or music lessons or any of the other myriads of things out there, if you can help them learn social and emotional intelligence/skills, and help them gain resilience, you've taught them the key to succeeding in life.

---

Now for my mother's comments. When she was in Saudia, she would meet people who would state that they were doing something extravagant and then they would state "but I deserve it." She finally found herself saying "It isn't that you deserve it, it is that you can afford it." Material things are not the result of some virtue or moral entitlement, they are merely a matter of financial success.

Certainly where she and the others were they had had to work very hard, sacrifice and continue in perseverance, but she had known a large number of people who had done all those things and not made money. She felt that money and moral entitlement were two different things. It was interesting to hear her talk.

Later, I knew a friend's son, who became very uncertain about life as a result of the charitable work his surgeon father had embroiled him in. Time after time he met people who were smarter than he was, physically more capable, and who worked very, very, very hard and who were very poor. He began to worry about what would become of him if that was what had become of them.

But he had realized the disconnect between mere hard work, mere intelligence and success.

Need I say that developing social and emotional intelligence, applied in the right circumstances, resolved his issues. The last time I saw him I would say that by any standard you can think of, almost everyone would consider him a success. I know I was pleased.

Will we need resilience? I think we will, everyone. http://www.iousathemovie.com/

---

And, returning to my "did God really mean that" series:

Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these, ye have done it unto me.

Confusing your financial interest with what is right

I see it a lot. I'm quoting an example from someone else's blog, but think of it only as an example, not sui generis.

Seltzer told me that big-spending doctors typically explain their treatment by insisting they have sicker patients than their colleagues. In response he has made charts breaking down the costs of care into thin diagnostic categories, like “respiratory-system diagnosis with ventilator support, severity: 4,” in order to compare doctors who were treating the same ailment. The charts make the point clearly. Doctors who spent more — on extra tests or high-tech treatments, for instance — didn’t get better results than their more conservative colleagues. In many cases, patients of the aggressive doctors stay sicker longer and die sooner because of the risks that come with invasive care.

---

Read some of the comments too. The writers talk past each other, which is too bad.

No ifs, ands or buts ...

I've been teaching my child about apologies. When you make them, you say "I'm sorry." You don't say "I'm sorry, but" or "I'm sorry, and" or "I'm sorry, but if" -- no explanations, no excuses. Those things make an apology into something less and usually make the person you are apologizing to less happy, not more happy.

I just read a post about saying "I love you." Same rules apply to saying "I love you" as do to saying "I'm sorry." You wouldn't say "I'm sorry, even though ..." and you don't do that with "I love you." (Even more so, "I love you even though" carries the message "I love you even though you aren't lovable.")

The only difference is that if someone says something, you can say "what do I care, I love you" in response or similar words. But, you can't say "I don't care about x, I love you anyway." That "anyway" is a killer, though the "I don't care" might be appropriate. Kind of like if you are apologizing and the other person says "yeah, but it was really my fault because" you might say "I don't care about" "I'm sorry."

In an apology, the only "and" you can add is "and I won't do that again." In "I love you" the only "and" you can add is "and I always will."

And always should.

Law school sure seems better than grad school in the humanities

From an article I read today:

Most undergraduates don't realize that there is a shrinking percentage of positions in the humanities that offer job security, benefits, and a livable salary (though it is generally much lower than salaries in other fields requiring as many years of training). They don't know that you probably will have to accept living almost anywhere, and that you must also go through a six-year probationary period at the end of which you may be fired for any number of reasons and find yourself exiled from the profession. They seem to think becoming a humanities professor is a reliable prospect — a more responsible and secure choice than, say, attempting to make it as a freelance writer, or an actor, or a professional athlete — and, as a result, they don't make any fallback plans until it is too late.

---

And, switching topics, have you ever noticed that no matter how people feel about gay marriage, everyone I know seems to be in favor of weddings no matter who is getting married. I'm glad there is common ground in joy.

What net benefit did slavery create?

One of the interesting things about slavery and its progeny (such as bond servants and abusive share cropping) is that they created a legacy of economic morasses and stagnation. America was not only worse off morally for the slave trade, but the lingering legacy of slavery has made us all poorer as well.

I am not going to address academic or educational affirmative action. Outside of those, in the free market, those companies that have embraced affirmative action have profited economically. That indicates that in corporate entities, efforts to find equality result in workers closer to their most productive placement than proceeding without such efforts.

Discrimination, like slavery, built only a net economic loss, a smaller pie for everyone.

Being Grateful For Everything

I had a chance to talk about gratitude with a friend of mine whom I admire. Both of us have been through things that are hard to be grateful for. It was a good time for me to be thinking about gratitude as I have been feeling very grateful for my life. There are knots in my life's skein that are starting to untangle.

I'm not quite able to encompass everything yet, much like he still has trouble feeling grateful for his marriage, but it is starting to happen. From an eternal perspective, the separation from my daughters is a short moment. Their lives are theirs, as were their deaths.

My life is mine.

I'm grateful for my life. Step by step, day by day, grateful for everything.

---

Though obviously, more grateful for somethings than others. Today's my anniversary, and I am truly grateful for my dear wife, who is my life.

My house is for sale (at least through Monday)

At least that is the current news. We have one offer coming for the full asking price and another that would involve the full price and no commission payments. We will be looking them over Monday, with some others that we are told are pending. Since we had it listed for less than twenty-four hours when we started getting calls Saturday, that seems like it is moving quickly.

We also have a closing date, the completed inspection and the financing approved on the house we are buying. Another step forward from linking our wounds and surviving to doing better.

So, for our wedding anniversary, I'm buying my wife a house and she is taking me to a karate work-out. She brought the idea up only about a week ago. Things are moving fast.

I'm even going to the Opera this week as well (http://www.dallasopera.org/musichall/). We need to get out more, and late in a run when there are lots of inexpensive seats is a great time sometimes.

If you are curious, go to http://adrr.com/house/ for some pictures of the inside of our current house. Since we are in Texas, our house was less than the median house price in the United States. The one we are buying isn't that expensive either. I'm grateful. For many things, I'm grateful. I've a post on that topic coming up soon (it is written, I just need to type it).

---

Found the MLS listing on-line: http://www.idxre.com/idx/detail.cfm?cid=11419&bid=51&pid=11138366&fspm=1

Hmm, they only added one picture, guess I should toss in a couple external pictures.

Here is one of the back yard, Rachel's fort and all, can't really see the landscaping. I'll note that the potted lime tree seems to hold its leaves better than the lemon tree.



From the front of the house:




The famous polydactyl cat on our back patio.




A different angle on the back yard (the squirrel proof bird feeder and the live oak tree we planted).




The front of our house.


A lot of good history in that house. A great neighborhood and ward.

Maybe I'll have to add a picture of the school down the way.

Prayer and Grief

In recovery, both science and the logic of the heart tell us that in grief, prayer is important. Finding your way through prayer can be hard. Without talking about the form of prayer, this essay is about an approach to prayer.

1. Honesty. Honesty is essential. God sees it, we can't hide the truth from God, but we can hide the truth from ourselves, which cuts us off from God. Prayer should approach honesty as a foundation. If you have pain, anger, hurt, doubt, or fear, unburden yourself truthfully with God.
2. Trust. You need to trust in God as a power greater than yourself who can do things for you that you can not do for yourself. Combining faith and honesty is very powerful.
3. Apply the two tools of honesty and trust to find a place of peace by taking inventory so you can repent and so you can be grateful. Reflecting actively, not passively, is what taking inventory means. Making amends to others and finding gratitude within you are the two places reflection needs to lead you.
4. Listen. Prayer is a conversation. All good conversationalists listen. The same may well be true of prayer. In listening expect that God may well tell you things that you do not know, expect or understand. Without the trust and humility it takes to listen, prayer can not lead you far.
   

---

Did God really mean it when He said ... (with thanks to Suzette Haden Elgin, I'm thinking of adding these in from time to time)

"my ways are not your ways, neither are my thoughts your thoughts"

Yes.

Introducing Myself

I was over at Zelophehad’s Daughters and they were celebrating being on-line for a while and both introduced themselves and suggested that their readers introduce themselves.

I actually have an introduction from my website, http://www.adrr.com/ that I put up.

I'm copying it, because it is probably more than enough.

Not all that long ago, a group reviewed this site, ranked it in the top one hundred small firm legal sites and had a strong criticism because the site is not strongly tied to my identity. Often I receive feedback, comments or questions from people reared in the "context is everything" school who feel you can not separate the person from the writing.

So, like all things that end up on my screen too often, this goes into the FAQ. If you feel a need to know more about me, I have a personal philosophy section of this web site (not connected to the dispute resolution section) and a section based on my personal experiences that receives about ten thousand hits a month from people completely uninterested in dispute resolution. I am also a working professional and I teach a little dispute resolution. Links to those of my website are here:

• Stephen R. Marsh, Attorney at Law:
• Ethesis:
• Class materials from the my educational endeavors:
• Surviving Grief, Loss and Death:

That is more than enough about me.

I'm not big on the "context is everything" school, but it does have a place some times. That's my introduction.

---

On another topic, I love my daughter's current girl scout troop. The last one had gone a little "Plano" or "mean girls." Seemed silly to me, the people who were the most fixated on money and status probably had household incomes a third to a fourth the size of ours. But they took our efforts to be concerned about costs (which came, somewhat, from helping some of the poorer kids in the group and being aware of the problems money causes) as proof we really were not the right kind of people.

Ok, I'm certain we were not the right kind of people to associate with them. We switched groups.

The current group is wonderful.

Which, I guess, does validate context. If my exposure had just been what the last group had morphed into, I would think of Girl Scouts as the worst of all possible environments. Instead, from what went before and what has gone after, I am more than pleased to support Rachel in it.

Ah, it has been a busy week. Forgive me for not blogging more.

---

Thinking of context, introductions, etc. I just realized that perhaps I should take a lesson from what a friend of mine and I have been trying to get another friend to do. He is a harpist and vocalist, who plays the harp for weddings, funerals and special occasions, as well as teaches.

We've been trying to get him to introduce himself that way. Every time he does, people are delighted to know that about him. Heck, I'm going to post a link here for him.

Dallas Texas Harpist who teaches harp and performs at weddings funerals and special occasions.

Maybe I'll learn something from this all about introducing myself.

Thank you for that information

I often write advice posts based on my own mistakes. I had a great one going, but it got too large and my memory promptly dumped the whole thing. Guess I've too many flaws serving me as inspiration.

But one thing that is important to do, and that I'm still learning, is when someone tells you something you already know, don't say "I already knew that" but instead say "Thank you" or "Thank you for sharing that." And don't say "Thank you for sharing that, but I already knew it." Too many times we should just stop with the "Thank you" without adding anything more.

That is something I plan to work on more this coming year, saying "Thank you" without more and without qualifying.

Guest Post from J.L. -- For Christmas

This is a shorter version of a longer post that will be at: http://celibateinthecity.blogspot.com/

Visit there to get the full impact.

I saw myself standing before God to be judged, and he wept.

He shook his head at me in disappointment.

He asked: How could you have broken my trust this way? Why did you not care for my beloved child? How can you return her to me in this state -- bruised, broken, neglected, unloved? I gave you dominion over her so you could bring her back to me whole and beautiful. She was your responsibility. Do you hate me so much you would betray me in this, and break my heart so?

I crumbled to the floor sobbing. Overwhelmed with suffocating shame. I didn't mean it. I didn't know. I didn't know I was the one entrusted with her. I never saw Your child, Your beloved--I saw only this broken wretch fallen before you.

I would not have done this .... and He comes to me and enfolds me in his arms and We weep together.

We are, each of us, precious children of God whom he has entrusted to us to care for and to love.

For this Christ came in to the world on Christmas day, for God's love for each of us.

Forgiving in order to heal, how do you do it?

i've actually been wondering all night if you might have a post on this topic. specifically, when one *wants* to forgive, and has even said the words "i forgive you", and then tried to carry on as though forgiveness has actually taken place, but nothing has changed on the inside. what can you do? how does one invoke the atonement? for big things specifically (in my case). all i want for christmas is peace and freedom from this multi-decade hurt. i've recently had the chance to vent and the person who hurt me listened, apologized, and then wrote me a letter further apologizing and asking me to forgive them for all the ways they hurt me and it's impact on my life. i have (in the past) said I forgive them, and tried to have them in my life as if all was well. but it wasn't. isn't.

so how does one move from this point to a healthy place. how does that mysterious atonement work? is there a magic word i need to utter? some level of despair i have to attain? some amount of humility and contriteness i have to conjure up before i can finally be free?

That was the question I was asked.

There is no magic word that I know, though the things that tend to help some people are the process of praying for God to bless the other person and the process of keeping a journal and writing it all out. Buy a simple wire bound spiral notebook, if nothing else, and write about everything, pour your heart out in words.

They pray every night to God to bless the other person and to aid you in forgiving and moving past.

That is where I would start -- and I'm hoping that people who read this blog will chime in and add their thoughts and suggestions in the comments.

Trust in God

This time of the year is mixed for me. I had two Christmas times in a row where many presents went unopened and the lights on the house were taken down by friends. The strongest images from both are the funerals of my daughters.

At times it slips my conscious awareness. Both Courtney and Jessica became sick just before Christmas. Courtney died on December 26, Jessica died on January 26. They were both born in February.

And then Robin ... Now Rachel, who is coping with Tourette's and other issues. Not to mention, the whole house has had seasonal illnesses. My parents and my wife skipped having dinner with me on my birthday because they were too sick, now Rachel and Heather have whatever it was. Sometimes the issues are overwhelming, sometimes all that overwhelms me is how precious my children are to me.

To trust in God. What does that mean? Can I trust God to keep me from pain? Will God keep me from discomfort, sorrow, loss or death? Will God keep me from the full range of life and from more than I think I am ready for? No. In fact, I am pretty certain that at the end, there will come a day when God does not keep me from death.

Then what should I trust God for? What can I trust God to do? That is a question that everyone has to face, what can we really trust God to do and not to do.

---

A few notes.

Other people's death's may affect us, but those deaths are between them and God, not between us and God.

Best part of my birthday was seeing Heather. Her flight was a little delayed, but she made it safely home. With everyone who was sick, I ended up with just Heather and Rachel at dinner (though we brought back a meal for Win and a selection of desserts for my parents). Everyone is still a little sick today. I had to take time to drive them home from Church early so they could be tucked back in bed.

But today has really been a good day as well. Silly to be so glad to have a child's birthday (on the 21st) and to be so delighted just to see them breath. But I am.

---

Other recent posts on trusting and understanding God:

• Seraphine
• Andrew Ainsworth
• Thomas Parkin
• Ray
• God "has to speak to us in a manner to meet the extent of our capacities[link][link][link]

Not to mention, the day after Christmas, I'll have a post at Mormon Matters that touches on some of these topics and my favorite related scripture:

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 NKJV

That is our trust, especially in this Christmas season.

More Relationship Advice -- Absence ...

I was reading a relationship post about a relationship with God, and realized it takes more than just maturity and patience and then thought about relationships with others when we are absent for a while.

With your parents and siblings you probably learned about absence by going to camp or away on a mission or off to school. If you use that for your model when work takes you out of town from a wife or husband and children for a month or more, you will make serious miss-steps.

There is a period of roughness, anger even, that goes with being reunited with a spouse and children when you have been gone. Young children are transparent. They just get angry when you come back (though they get over it in a day or so). You need to expect the same emotional waves to affect older children and your spouse and be ready for it, to just patiently take the time to re-engage.

Think of it as shifting into gear after starting a car that is cold. Do you skip using the clutch or letting the car warm up? If you do, things grind.

Anyway, just thought I'd post a comment on that, since most of us will have a time in our lives like that, when we are away for a month or two. I've been lucky, but my dad was in the Air Force and had TDY assignments, Viet Nam and Korea.

Not to mention, sometimes we feel emotions in regards to God that we aren't comfortable with and need to work through, just as when others are absent.


BTW, this comic made me think of my wife:

Recent Books ... and looking for recommendations

The Pyjama Game: A Journey into Judo by Mark Law (Paperback - Jun 2008)

Buy new: $13.33

7 Used & new from $12.95

Usually ships in 2 to 4 weeks

Just finished this book.

A fifty year old newspaper reporter/journalist decides to begin Judo. But his story is also the story of Judo and the story of Judo in England. It was really good, as you might suspect by the fact that the used copies are almost as expensive as the new ones.

I'm now reading a book we got for free from the lending library at the hotel we stayed in during our visit to New Orleans (and it too, is a great book):

Taxi: The Harry Chapin Story by Peter Morton Coan (Paperback - May 1, 1990)

Buy new: $14.95

35 Used & new from $3.11 (with all the free copies, I'm surprised it isn't cheaper).

---

Please recommend a new "good book" to me now that I've pretty much finished these.

Thanks.

Snow in New Orleans

I had to to to New Orleans to teach a class, so I thought I'd extend my stay a day to see the city, especially since Win was able to come with me. Luckily I brought a sweater and a liner as well as my jacket and she has a heavy coat, as we went walking in the snow, rain and wind.

She's asleep now, recovering. My voice lasted through the two and a half hours of lecture I had to give, though my new cold acted up a little.

Wonderful people, wonderful place. I like the hotel, quiet and warm.

Hoping that my flight doesn't get canceled -- I had a couple extra people in the class as their flights out of New Orleans were canceled due to icing conditions.

Rachel will be sad she missed the snow, she stayed with her grandparents who live a couple houses down the street from us. She had school.

But life never fails to offer some interesting surprises.

Our Yearly Christmas Letter

More or less, the final draft will probably go out this week-end, but I'm sharing it on-line now ;)

In the "can do" tradition of Texas, the Marsh family presents a “do it yourself” or “choose your own options” Christmas letter. Many of these options make for a better year than we had, or at least a stranger one, but don’t let that stop you when you make a pick


Heather:

(a) Decided engineering was a better major than neuroscience;
(b) test drove a 30.06 at the rifle range;
(c) Is getting a concealed weapons permit class for Christmas
(d) Is now taller than her dad;
(e) Is practicing walking in a long skirt and wearing her hair in tight braids as she prepares to move to West Texas;
(f) Now works for KBYU;
(g) Went horseback riding in Washington State.


Rachel:

(a) Wants to work in a think tank when she grows up;
(b) Was baptized this year;
(c) Started fourth grade;
(d) Got a perfect score on the State Music Theory test;
(e) Got a superior rating at the sonatina festival;
(f) Begs daily for a cell phone;
(g) Keeps asking for a rifle of her own.


Steve:

(a) Got a rifle for father’s day;
(b) Had a presentation from his material made to the Shanghai People’s High Court at the University of Wisconsin and is cited in the C.F.R.s;
(c) Was invited to join a group blog that drew comments;
(d) Went to New York City to do a short appearance on Fox TV;
(e) Had a Daddy/Daughter date at the rifle range;
(f) Experienced his car bursting into flames after he was rear-ended;
(g) Joined the (Jeff) Green Party.


Win:

(a) Completed five quilts this year;
(b) Volunteers in the nursery at Church;
(c) Has multiple firearms registered in her name;
(d) Functions as a social director and transportation agent for Rachel, drawing the line at more than twelve activities a week;
(e) Racked up twice the frequent flyer miles as the rest of the family;
(f) Looks better in blue fox than mink;
(g) Has worked hard to work less this year.


Vincent the polydactyl cat:

(a) Brought us a bat as a gift;
(b) Delivered a baby rattlesnake to Steve;
(c) Left a freshly killed mouse in Steve’s shoe;
(d) Developed a catch and release program of live birds for the house;
(e) Still forgets where his food bowl is;
(f) Found his way home after Rachel took him for a tour of the neighborhood;
(g) No longer thinks chicken is tuna.


We visited:

(a) Salt Lake City;
(b) Yellowstone;
(c) Spokane;
(d) Galveston;
(e) Orlando;
(f) Colorado;
(g) King Tut.


Whatever answers you chose for us, we had a great year and hope you did as well or better than we really did. May each of your coming years be creative and fun.

The Marsh Family

More on "having too much stuff"

There are several ways to deal with people so they don't feel that they are being asked not to love you when you ask to avoid "more stuff." My daughter's best friend had a birthday party where all the presents went to the local Children's Medical Clinic. Everyone was good with that, the parents loved it, the kids were happy to go roller skating and they got to give presents.

For me, I've a paralegal and a secretary, etc., at work, and they understood that it would make me happy, so they were good with it (I gave them amber earrings for Christmas -- my wife's idea -- staff that result in my being happier end up with jewelry as she notices the difference in how I'm doing). My eight year old, I let her wrap up some things for me that I already had (because I've shrunk so, I'm replacing some of my work shirts -- from 17.5" to 16" trim cut -- a big difference).

For other family members, I've told them that as tough as things are this year, instead of spending money on me, they should spend more money on their own families. That works out.

So far it is going well. Yes, I have a lot of dress shirts wrapped up under the tree that I'm not going to get to wear until after Christmas (unfortunately, Lands End is really pulling back on its trim cut/etc. [they keep changing the name of it] shirts, but that means that they've been dumping them through the discounted overstocks section -- I got a lot of shirts for under a hundred dollars). But it works.

I'm also getting some gifts, a new frying pan from my wife, computer gear, etc. I'm giving some jewelry, people rarely think they have enough (matching earrings is what Rachel gave her mother and older sister, and she is getting a pair as a gift to her from the cat). But I also gave the local library several large loads of books. I went through and got rid of a lot more. I've realized that a lot of things that I was holding on to, if I really, really find myself needing them, there is always the used book section of Amazon.com.

It has taken several waves, but I'm now probably more than a thousand or two books lighter, about five bookshelves worth. I still need to finish up reorganizing things, but it is a real improvement.

Anyway, hope that answers how I'm implementing the concept and how it is being received. So far, so good.

Great links:

• Heifer International
• Kiva: loans that change lives
• the Honeybee Network

One silly thing about having "too much" stuff

I don't want stuff for Christmas or my birthday. In a way it makes it harder to shop for me, but in a way it is easier -- all I really want is to see people and be happy with them. I can't say that is such a bad thing.

---

On a more serious note, I've been reading:

Healing ADD: The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the 6 Types of ADD by Daniel G. Amen (Paperback - Jun 4, 2002)

It has been fascinating.

A core message (other than breaking ADD into different types, based on brain scans) is that for those who have ADD that without help they can't control it, it isn't their fault, but that there is hope.

The brain scan categorizing of it is interesting, as is the fact that 30-40 minutes a day of vigorous exercise and taking a multivitamin can really help a lot of people. Oh, and that caffeine is bad for you. So was the correlating of different brain scan results to the vast differences in what types of medication and/or nutrition approaches work best (or are actually harmful) for which people.

Interesting material.

A Possible Future for American Health Care

After consulting a citizens group, the institute decided that the nation should spend the same amount saving or improving the life of a 75-year-old smoker as it would a 5-year-old.

The article is about what is happening in England, and how their lead is being followed by other countries. Basically, it is triage of what is available from the state system (all started by a panic over the price of Viagra) and how it means limits on things such as dialysis and expensive cancer treatments.

There are two current issues:

First, total expense.

Second, "highly expensive life-saving drugs for terminal illnesses."

But, the question tends to spread to two other areas (as it has in some countries):

First, not allowing people to pay for things themselves; and,

Second, adding in quality of life and similar factors.

Admittedly, they have good points, for example the article talks about a niche drug that started at less than a dollar a dose and quickly had its price raised to $260 a dose as it became more popular (but no more effective or any more expensive to produce). In the United States, such niche drugs account for almost a quarter of the nation's drug bill (24%) -- the foundation of the unfunded entitlement drug benefit that many have called the worst threat to America's security in our generation.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/03/health/03nice.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&th&emc=th for the entire article.

Blog Rankings

I'm surprised by them. Alexia has me much higher than I would have expected:

LDS Solo blog rankings as of 29 Nov 08

	Blog or Website Name	Alexa Rank
1	Believe All Things	273809
2	Connor's Conundrums	602034
3	TempleStudy.com - LDS Temple Study Blog	690203
4	Mormanity - A Mormon Blog	709108
5	Ongofu - an LDS (Mormon) blog	941145
6	A Soft Answer	1000784
7	MORMON SOPRANO	1073402
8	Thoughtskoto	1137941
9	Mormon Inquiry (old site)	1195791
10	Messenger and Advocate	1476247
11	Beetle Blogger	1643417
12	Sixteen Small Stones	1663633
13	Dandelion Mama	1836386
14	Voice Of Deseret	1983159
15	Latter-Day Commentary	2012519
16	Mormon Metaphysics	2046854
17	Day of Praise	2126100
18	What Mormons Like	2271610
19	Reach Upward	2300200
20	LDS Anarchy	2366179
21	LDS CIO	2462835
22	Mormon Insights	2629240
23	Stephen M (Ethesis)	2,863,409

The same is true for the group blog I'm involved with:

LDS Group blog rankings as of 29 Nov 08

	Blog or Website Name	Alexa Rank
1	By Common Consent	321798
2	Times & Seasons	406767
3	Feminist Mormon Housewives	453287
4	Mormon Matters	498,611

Something that surprised me is the fact that many blogs I read often were not higher in the ratings.

Well, I'll have a "real" post coming up soon. Just some surprises, at least to me.

Thanks to http://latterdaycommentary.blogspot.com/2008/11/todays-lds-blog-rankings.html for doing all the work.

An interesting conundrum

I just realized that while I don't consider the lack of financial prosperity to be a lack of God's blessings, I am very grateful for the prosperity that I have been blessed with.

It was wonderful to have Heather home for Thanksgiving, to have Win's brother Ted able to drive over, to see my parents and to have guests. Too much pie, not sure why the local supermarkets topped out at 13 lb turkeys, but we also had a ham, sweet potato casserole that I actually ate and some people had seconds on ...

God has been good to us. My wife is a CRNA, I'm blessed with my employment (I don't blog about it as there isn't much to blog about -- I'm sure people would get bored with "I love my boss, I love my co-workers, and I look forward to work [though I also can't wait to see my home too -- I drive home for lunch at least three or four times a week]"). I'm pleased with how both my daughters are doing in school.

Amused, sometimes (Rachel was afraid they were going to make her jump another grade so she started sandbagging math. Only Rachel would think 85s are sandbagging, or immediately jump her average to a 98 when she learned that another promotion was not in the cards). But pleased and very grateful.

There is much to be grateful for, and much to give thanks on this Thanksgiving. Now, if I could just get the cat to quit giving me gifts over his gratitude for tuna, life would be complete (I know, I should treat a warm, dead mouse in my shoe as the loving gesture I'm sure the cat intends, but I'm just not that excited about that sort of surprise -- reminds me of a lolcat I liked -- A cat is looking surprised and the message is that if you don't want a surprise breakfast in bed, can he please have the dead squirrel back?).

What do you do about Parrot Heads?

If you don't know, that is the nick name for Jimmy Buffett fans. My eight year old has picked up the habit, and rather solidly, as in get up and put Jimmy on continuous play to go to sleep to, borrow her mom's ipod for traveling in the car, etc.

Her birthday party (we celebrated it with a friend last week, though she does not turn nine until later) at the roller rink? Jimmy Buffett as a solid sound track (I even ended up tipping the DJ extra to ease his pain).

I guess there are worse things in life ;)

Finding the Spirit

The first talk of the Priesthood session reminded me of a man I met on my mission. His wife had died and he told us of all the things he had done in worship and prayer to seek God's help. He complained of how he had come up so empty. The list he gave us consisted of various forms of emotionalism.

He was Catholic, but obviously had gone somewhere else for comfort (and, bless his heart, seemed to be blaming his priest). I was struck by how he was substituting emotional processes for spiritual ones. I have seen that process many, many times since. I consider it a terrible mistake.

Too often I see a reach for Pathos (or even Bathos) as a substitute for the Spirit. It is a common thing (as are other reaches for emotional states) as a replacement for the Spirit of God. I have met people who thought they were the same thing. The terrible flaw is that the approach leads to shallow or non-existent roots and it fails people when they need God the most.

In grief, the Spirit brings comfort and faith brings healing. Emotionalism seems to do nothing positive for people, and as a substitute for the Spirit actually seems to harm them. It may seem harsh, but I think in general we should avoid bathos as we would any other false spirit. At least if we seek healing or to find God instead of a pale substitute.

I know, I went far afield from the speaker's thoughts, but we came back together as he called for repentance, even if we thought of the need to repent of different things.

Provident Living -- Or surviving the next three years of the Depression

I was talking with people whose opinions I respect, and the best estimate I got from anyone on when we will turn the corner on the recession we are in is that it will happen in about three years. Since I had been reflecting on general conference and the message that we should:

• Avoid unnecessary debt (or expenditures)
  
• Make our homes a sanctuary
• love others and make a difference for them
• receive a new heart

I reflected on those points again.

It is interesting how the progression goes from avoiding entanglement in the world to loving others to being reborn and transformed by God's love. At home we have been trying to apply all of the lessons.

We passed on buying some land this summer. If the deal went well, and over a ten year horizon it would have, it would have been money we did not need. If it did not, the loss and trouble would have been very entangling. We've also been cutting expenses here and there. Got rid of cable television, changed our phone service, will continue to make other changes. Generally trying to have less stuff (Rachel has so much she doesn't know what to do with it, in fact, for her birthday she has asked people to just give the gifts to a charity).

We've also worked more at keeping our home a place for our children and their friends. It is good to make people welcome, which helps us to reach out and embrace others.

All in all, I at least, have a long way to go. But it is good to think about things, to try to apply them, and to learn to grow. Grief and loss can close your heart. These things seem to help us heal. It has been long enough, I need to open my heart more.

---

So, you would rather understand more about what is going on in the material word?

Ok:

• 1873 when men's hearts failed them and they just laid down and died.
• the effect on the employment market
• the New Deal made the depression worse (actually, many believe FDR did, but this is the short link to the current response).
  

The forbidden word

The forbidden word

While in Santa Fe, N.M., I spoke about how lawyers can help their clients make ethical decisions. While it may seem odd, this was my first piece of advice: Don't talk to your clients about ethics. Why? I have tried a lot of cases in the last 28 years, and I have sat through a lot of jury selections, waiting for my case to be called. I can spot rookie lawyers when they ask the jury pool, "Can you be fair?" I watch the potential jurors, imagining a cartoon bubble appearing above their heads: "Of course I can be fair. In fact, I am the fairest person I know." You get the idea. It’s the same when you use the word ethics. Once you say something is an ethical issue, the person to whom you are speaking has the same reaction. Instead, talk about "integrity-based decisions" or "the brand identity of the company being at stake." But never, ever, blab about "ethical decisions." The listener will shut down. The listener will not listen. Your point -- no matter how well taken, no matter how well intentioned -- is lost. We all (including yours truly) think we are more ethical than we really are, we are thinner than we really are, we are better looking than we really are, and we are not as bald as we really are. It’s just human nature.

---

Click on the link, read the entire post, well worth reading.