misc.

The Shangri-La Diet by Seth Roberts (Hardcover - April 25, 2006)

Buy new: $13.57 Used & new from $9.00

Shangri-la Diet Supplements:

Bob's Red Mill Whey Protein Concentrate, 12... $25.50	La Tourangelle Grapeseed Oil, 16.9-Ounce Ca... $16.24	Speedo Competition Nose Clip $3.05
Other things
Canon Powershot SD500 7.1MP Digital Elph Ca... $289.00	Canon Elura 100 MiniDV Camcorder $309.88

Ok, I haven't the slightest idea of how to make this work correctly. What I'm trying to do is post links to some grapeseed oil, some protein powder (if you can't find a Whole Foods or a Central Market in your area), and nose plugs.

Thought I'd toss in the camera I use and the camcorder I just bought in case anyone was curious.

I'm back dating this so it doesn't get in the way of posts that might interest someone or be useful. So no, you didn't miss this post, I just buried it.

If anyone has a good on-line source for extra-light olive oil, be sure to let me know. The source I had quit shipping, though I find that I can buy it just fine at SAMS or COSTCO.

Coherent writing on grief, good ideas.

Suzette Haden Elgin wrote the following in an essay on grief and other things. She said it so much better than I could have:

Last night I read Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, the book she wrote after the sudden death of her husband. Not an obvious good choice for someone like me, in whose extended family there has been so much sudden death; still, I have always enjoyed Didion's books and I wanted to read this one. And it turned out to be a good thing, because she wrote about something that I haven't seen written about before -- it may be a staple of memoirs, for all I know, but I haven't seen it before -- something that it did me good to read. Which brings me to this post. "On most surface levels I seemed rational," Didion says on page 42, but she explains at length and in detail, over the course of many chapters, that she was in fact not rational at all, she was just going through the motions of being rational while being quite mad.

This got my attention because it is precisely what was true of me when my first husband -- Peter Haden -- died suddenly and without warning at age 29. I went through the motions of being rational while being quite mad. Over the years since then I've wondered now and then why somebody didn't notice what was happening and take some sort of action to look after me; reading Didion, I suppose that it must have been because "on most surface levels I seemed rational."

Read the whole thing. It left me inarticulate, but it is so very well written, as are many of the comments.

---

For something completely different, yet on the same theme, if you feel overwhelmed in the holiday season, try a fondue meal for Thanksgiving or Christmas (kind of like we do Chinese food for Christmas Eve).

We do group meals with friends, but if you can't cope with having other people, try fondue.

Naiah has a great essay on how to do it: Our fondue Thanksgiving

Well worth considering.

Shangri-la Diet after one year and 70+ pounds

It has been interesting.

I've collected posts under this label.

But, if you are interested in trying the diet, here is my best advice:

• Starting (or starting over) the SLD method (the first two months)
  
• Shangri-la Diet: moving on to months three and four
• Shangri-la Diet: Months Five and Six
• Plateaus are not failure (they happen regularly, then you lose more weight)
  
• Problems with the Shangri-la Diet? -- Solutions
  
• What if the Shangri-la Diet doesn't work for you?
• What I eat on the Shangri-la Diet
• Who I am, why I blog, the Shangri-la Diet and Me
• Interview with Seth Roberts (author of the Shangri-la Diet)
• Shangri-la Diet, maintenance -- keeping it off once you've lost the weight
  

Those posts will help you to understand and use the Shangri-la Diet.

See larger image

The Shangri-La Diet (Hardcover)
by Seth Roberts

(60 customer reviews)

---

List Price:	$19.95
Price:	$13.57 & eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping on orders over $25. Details
You Save:	$6.38 (32%)

For more, visit the forums, starting here: Re: What have you learned from the forums? (part 2)

Best wishes, Stephen.

Joy, Hope, Faith at the end of random thoughts

The South has a beautiful climate and rich soil, but slavery ruins any soil -- Brigham Young

Made me think that may be why (in part) the South is so wonderful now, because slavery is so far behind. It really is great to live in Texas.

How a parent discovered that her child was not being taught math properly in school:

"When my oldest child, an A-plus stellar student, was in sixth grade, I realized he had no idea, no idea at all, how to do long division. ... so I went to school and talked to the teacher, who said, 'We don't teach long division; it stifles their creativity.' -- The New York Times

Critical Mass

Most jobs suck at least as badly as taking care of (your own) home and children. There are a lot more bookkeepers and factory workers in the world than there are economics correspondents for international newspapers.

Asymmetrical Information

My own grandmother used to go pick up the mail driving a ponycart pulled by a matched pair of young deer from her father's deer park.

Ozarque ... and Ozarque
... and Ozarque

---

Do I agree with any of the above quotes or thoughts? I don't know, just that they are thoughts that give my reflection. I take joy in the time I spend caring for my own children and am thankful, among so many things, to have two of them home for Thanksgiving.

I was reading the first true "current grief" blog I've run into ( http://Marysangel.blogspot.com / see also an entry at another blog ), and realized how grateful I am to be able to fit more into my life than grief and to know, day to day, joy, hope and faith.

This day, in the midst of everything, I am grateful and thankful.

On ethics and professional life

The excerpt below links to a very well written essay:

When lawyers speak with envy or admiration about other lawyers, they do not mention a lawyer=s devotion to family or public service, or a lawyer=s innate sense of fairness, or even a lawyer=s skill at trying cases or closing deals, nearly as much as they mention a lawyer=s billable hours, or stable of clients, or annual income.

It is very difficult for a young lawyer immersed in this culture day after day to maintain the values she had as a law student. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, young lawyers change. They begin to admire things they did not admire before, be ashamed of things they were not ashamed of before, find it impossible to live without things they lived without before. Somewhere, somehow, a lawyer changes from a person who gets intense pleasure from being able to buy her first car stereo to a person disappointed with a $100,000 bonus.

He is correct when he states "Research has shown that, with the exception of those living in poverty, people are almost always wrong in thinking that more money will make them happier."

It is too easy to be seduced by material things.

I've been thinking about that. Most of my career I did not track billable hours as much as we do now. Where I work, the demands are modest. But I deal with people all the time who work on the same files as I do (as co-counsel or as counsel for co-defendants), and I'm learning, as well as learning about my own weaknesses.

It is important to keep good examples in mind, of those who saw the better way.

Stereotype deficit, my Aunt Mary, etc.

I grew up without stereotypes. My grandfather quit his first church over his pastor joining the KKK and that kind of attitude just kind of kept in the family.

That came up again when someone was talking about crazy Irish Catholics. I've got an Irish Catholic Aunt. When I think of Irish Catholics I think of dependable and hard working people you can trust and like. There may have been alcoholics in the family, but not my Aunt.

Kind of like when I think of Hispanics or Latinos. In my mind it is (hardworking) Hispanic, etc. It probably isn't fair, but in my experience in the non-academic world (I've never been a real academic so I can't say for academia), the Blacks and Hispanics I've known were a little more competent than the average, a little harder working. Ok, many of them were a lot harder working.

The problem comes up when I have to deal with stereotypes. Instead of them making sense to me, most cause a cognitive disconnect. A friend of mine said it was simple, I suffered from a stereotype deficit. Blame it on your Aunt Mary he said, she shouldn't have been so reliable and hard working and I'd have been fine.

Thanks, I said, I'll keep her just the way she is.

On page 124 of Lewis Mehl-Madrona's _Narrative Medicine: The Use of History and Story in the Healing Process_, the author describes....

"the experiments of psychologists Claude Steele and Joshua Aronson, which involved black and white students answering questions from the Graduate Record Examination, the standardized test used for entrance into graduate school. When the black students were asked about their race before answering questions, the number of questions they answered correctly was cut in half. This is an example of a master narrative of American culture that says that blacks are not as smart as whites and don't deserve to succeed. When the psychologists asked the black students if it bugged them to be asked about their race before the test, they answered, 'No,' and added that they just didn't think they were smart enough to be at the university."

[References for the research mentioned: "Stereotype Threat and the Intellectual Test Performance of African-Americans," by Claude M. Steele and Joshua Aronson, on pp. 797-811 of the _Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 69 (1995); "Thin Ice: 'Stereotype Threat' and Black College Students," by Claude M. Steele, on pp. 44-47 and 50-54 of the 2/99 _Atlantic Monthly_.]

Forgiveness is no favor

Forgiveness is no favor. We do it for no one but ourselves. We simply pay too high a price when we refuse to forgive.

Can we afford to hold to self-destructiveness and why?

Someone shared that thought with me recently and I found a variation of it on the web. But it is one I've long believed (and have posted about before).

The reason "the greater sin" is in the person who does not forgive, is that failing to forgive is the only way anything bad done to us can harm us beyond the walls of the world. We forgive not to help others, but to save ourselves.

Real love means service and kindness

It is interesting that originally, Eve was created as a "help meet" for Adam -- i.e. one who was his equal. In the mythline, it is only in the imperfect world that "thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." (Genesis 4:16). If you've ever known a girl who dropped all of her friends every time she had a new boyfriend, or a woman who put the latest man ahead of family, children and everything else, in a pathological fashion, you've seen this in action.

There are a number of texts that take this one step further, telling women that if they desire to escape an imperfect state, the first thing they have to do is agree with God not to follow men or listen to them or heed them when the men are wrong and not heeding the Spirit of the Holy One. What has always interested me is how often those receiving or passing that message along get it as women are to obey men. cf Unrighteous Dominion in Marriage.

"A man needs to understand that his power to influence his wife or children for good can only come through love, praise, and patience. It can never be brought about by force or coercion"

and

"Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other. Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives. They should so consider themselves and so treat each other in this life, and then they will do so throughout eternity."

If you intend to seek perfection in an imperfect world, then it is important to seek to return to equality and love, where to lead is to serve and love, as Christ did, rather than to command and to act in equality and help rather than in dominion (or in being dominated). Of all relationship advice, especially for men, the advice that real love means service and kindness and care is the most important advice I can think of in aiding us to escape the pathology of an imperfect world and in returning to grace.

Anger at God

A friend gave me this short essay or comment:

We all experience times when we feel angry with God. Perhaps, in the past our reaction to this anger has been to pretend it did not exist, denying our anger to God and to ourselves. or, perhaps we reacted to it by giving up on prayer entirely. As we seek to to recover with God's help, neither option will work.

We must go ahead and express our anger, but we must also keep talking to God. The anger passes, answers come, and we find that we have drawn closer to God through this experience. We clarify issues, we express our feelings honestly, and we communicate in a very tangible way with the higher power that we need.

Grief and loss cause anger. I know people whose anger is larger than they are and that they can not deal with. Everything else they have been able to cope with, to accept and to integrate, except for their anger with God. Anger with God may be even more damaging to the heart than bitterness, especially because it creates such blockage and is so far beyond our grasp.

But knowledge is a start, though it seems that in many ways, all of grief is just a start.

Terms of Service, Spam and Trolls

Sitemeter is neat. It tells me (if I care to look) where visitors come from* and when they post, etc.

That also means that it is quite possible to cross link the time of a post by a troll or a spammer and follow-up on it. Since I've had some that were annoying enough, and since I've been thinking about a TOS statement anyway, here goes with my favorite, with thanks to some inspiration.**

By reading or posting here you agree to the Terms of Service that govern this site. You agree than any commercial spam, or any trolling, contractually obligates you, your assigns, licensees, privies and employers, and anyone you work as an agent for or who provides you internet access, to pay liquidated damages benchmarked by the highest per incident amount for copyright infringement (currently about $250,000.00) or the amount in the parenthesis prior, whichever is greater.

You agree to binding arbitration and to venue and jurisdiction in Collin County Texas using an arbitrator of my choice residing in the venue and jurisdiction.

You also agree to prejudgment execution including transfer of urls and domain names used in spam by you or your agents. You agree to full arbitration of all issues, including the authority of agents to post spam for you and authorize the transfer of domain names used in spam as an immediate remedy prior to the arbitration ruling. Any spam or troll posting includes a grant of a power of attorney by the poster and any person said may be an agent for to execute any and all steps to pursue remedies, including drafting on bank accounts or access to credit or transfer of domains.

Infliction of extreme mental anguish is to be presumed, and a stipulation that such is actionable in tort is also agreed to by all posters who spam or troll, even though such will also stipulate that if same is pursued in tort rather than contract that it was unintentional (though intentional if pursued in contract) though culpable that same is not to be discharged in bankruptcy and that rather than be renewed, as a judgment may need to be to keep from going dormant, all awards are permanent and do not go dormant.

All posters also agree to allow my use of their posts (and to transfer copyright to same) by virtue of posting here, so as to allow blog book publication and similar use without compensation beyond the satisfaction of having posted and having had the post published.

Yes. I dislike spammers and trolls.

____________________
* Sample:

Domain Name		williams.edu ? (Educational)
IP Address		137.165.213.# (Williams College Campus)
ISP		Williams College Campus

I picked the sample because it is completely innocuous, someone visiting for SLD information that I am glad to have shared.

__________________
**
NOTICE TO SPAMMERS, COMMENT ROBOTS, TRACKBACK SPAMMERS AND OTHER NON-HUMAN VISITORS: No comment or trackback left via a robot is ever welcome at Three Years of Hell. Your interference imposes significant costs upon me and my legitimate users. The owner, user or affiliate who advertises using non-human visitors and leaves a comment or trackback on this site therefore agrees to the following: (a) they will pay fifty cents (US$0.50) to Anthony Rickey (hereinafter, the "Host") for every spam trackback or comment processed through any blogs hosted on threeyearsofhell.com, morgrave.com or housevirgo.com, irrespective of whether that comment or trackback is actually posted on the publicly-accessible site, such fees to cover Host's costs of hosting and bandwidth, time in tending to your comment or trackback and costs of enforcement; (b) if such comment or trackback is published on the publicly-accessible site, an additional fee of one dollar (US$1.00) per day per URL included in the comment or trackback for every day the comment or trackback remains publicly available, such fee to represent the value of publicity and search-engine placement advantages.

Note, I asked the author for permission to use, emend and copy this and he said yes, though my use is currently limited to a footnote to reflect inspiration.

Shangri-la Diet, maintenance

There are several ways that you end up at your ideal weight, and keeping it, on the Shangri-la Diet.

• Glide to a stop
• Tweak to a stop
• Gentle cycle
• Additional Push

Gliding to a stop happens when you continue using the same amount of oil as you started with and you eventually quit losing weight at about the spot you want to stop losing weight. Every month on the diet with the same amount of daily flavorless calories, you will lose less weight. Some people pretty much plateau out permanently where they want to stop.

Tweaking to a stop comes when you hit where you want to stop, but you are still losing weight, so you adjust the amount of calories you use to push your set point down. Seth Roberts did that (in fact he lost about 10+ pounds too many before he got the balance right).

Gentle cycling is what I'm doing now. I'm not sure where I would glide to a stop, I know it is close to where I'm at, but I'm practicing letting my set point drop and then pushing it up with various ditto foods, gaining and losing the same four pounds over and over again -- I've been doing that for the last two-three months. There is an endless supply of ditto food, even without eating chocolate (I'm allergic to chocolate).

Additional push is what Tim Beneke did and others are doing. They glide to a stop at a higher weight than they'd like, so they use various forms of flavorless calories or altered spicing methods to push their set point lower than the normal calories alone would do it. A simple method is once you have an amount of oil and have lost as much weight as that will take you to, you then start taking in a second dose of flavorless calories using flavorless protein such as Designer Whey or NutraSoy (available in bulk at Whole Foods and similar stores -- very inexpensive).

A return to joy

I blog about a number of things, but I thought I'd also blog about the return of joy.

Grief is so terribly wearing, like a gray sandstone fog, to the point one sometimes feels that there will be nothing left. Often it breaks things, things that have been part of one for years, like my friend who suddenly could not sing after the death of her youngest child, or my inability to continue in Shotokan Karate after practicing it for years.

Grief is one of the reasons I am a litigator and not a mediator.

While everyone warns you that the pain never leaves you (much like David O. McKay's wife talking about the pain of losing her son still piercing her when she was in her eighties), they fail to tell you that joy returns too.

I have a lot of joy in my life. I really enjoy my work, it is so precious to walk my daughter to school every morning, and I take joy in my wife.

So, among all the other truths about grief, the light in the fog is that there is also a return to joy.

Blog traffic, history, themes and posts

That is the history of how my blog traffic has gone. Some things draw a lot of attention (e.g. the Shangri-la Diet) and some things draw very little attention or readership (e.g. grief). You would think I would blog more on dieting and less on grief, but anyone can write or blog on dieting. There is a method, it is free, easy and it works.

On the other hand, there aren't that many people blogging about grief, and when someone is in need, it is worth blogging to be there for them.

On a related topic, life, grief and reality, I've been thinking about what it means that we are eternal. I've even been thinking what it would mean if we were only as old as the last ice age.

I meet people in their 80s and 90s who look at changing the sheets as something that happens every half hour. In November they are planning for next year's Christmas. Yet, I remember what it was like to be a young child and to have Halloween coming up and to think Christmas was forever away.

I can imagine someone who is a thousand years old, who sees Christmas coming so fast that it is the same as I think of sleeping tonight. How fast must even sixty or seventy years seem to someone who is ten thousand years old?

At that point, no matter how intense emotion seems now, no matter how long it seems to last (and it seems like forever sometimes), how intense is loss, how long does it really last if it is temporary?

I can see someone who is ten thousand years old saying that everything terrible anyone can experience in this life "is but a little moment" and that while it is significant to those who experience it, we perhaps over rate the importance of whatever sorrow, loss or mishaps we have in our brief lives.

I look at the standard of living I have now, and I look at the Sun King of France, and I prefer my life to his. Were things unfair then? Yes, but I suspect that anyone in the Kingdom of Heaven will prefer their life to the life I lead now. They will probably see as much difference between my life and the lives of others in this era as I see between the lice on the Sun King and the lice on one of his peasants.

Less, perhaps, if they look at life the way many game players look at game experiences and choices. For a game, for experience, for learning and perspective, people prefer vastly different lives for their characters than any of us would choose for ourselves. Yet, to our eternal selves, we are the characters that they lead or play in order to learn, have experience and gain perspective.

Which blends religious retrospective with grief themes, something that draws the least attention of anything I write, yet is what I find the most meaningful.

day labor, 60 pound jackhammer, thoughts

ultrasonic ringtones are neat because most people can't hear them. Two years ago, I could still hear tones in the 14K+ range. Now, I'm fifty, and I've discovered I cut off around 8K. That means that ultrasonics used to run teenagers off of spaces in the mall don't work on me (but they aren't aimed at me anyway), but it also means that instead of putting her cell phone on silent, my daughter can just use an ultrasonic ringtone and I won't hear it or be bothered. The same is true of most of the people who teach her in school. A 22K ringtone is one she can hear and none of the "adults" can.

---

Ok, on to the topic I was going to blog about.

As my parents continue to work on their house, we had to take out all the flowerbeds. One, they were already pretty much out (except for the bottom layer of bricks and the concrete footer), Two, the dirt had to be lowered to keep the termites from coming back.

I'm not sure who it was that decided that a 16" footer was necessary. But that means a jackhammer and a wheelbarrow.

After a day of that, someone at church mentioned the day labor station in town. Legal workers, at $8.00 an hour, who work very, very hard. We paid them more, and a tip, and fed them, and felt they earned all of their pay. They also ran that jackhammer faster than I had.

I appreciate that illegal labor gets talked about a lot, but it made me feel very humbled to meet such hardworking legal workers, two of many lined up for work, eager to work very hard for not very much.

This weekend I just moved a lot of bricks and other trash to the trash pile. Win mudded walls, installed cabinets and laid tile. A friend said I'd better watch out or a fiery chariot would be showing up to take her to heaven while we all stayed behind. My parents are grateful for her efforts and I'm impressed.

I'll blog more later, just have been very busy.

Training for older atheletes

• Exercise and the Master Athlete—A Model of Successful Aging?
• From beginner to world champion in twenty-five years.
• Starting at 70
• Quantum Strength
• Speed, Agility & Quickness
• Plyometrics
• Arm Plyometrics
• Wiki
• FAQ
• Exercises
• Animations of lower body exercises
• -- your suggestions here --
  

I'm looking for more on training the older athelete.

Any suggestions welcomed.

Some useful or interesting links

• On communicating
• logical fallacies
• ultrasonic ringtones
• nontransitive dice
• field guide to the workplace

I need to blog about responsible communities vs. communities of whim, but I've been busy with kids and life and my parents moving in three houses down. Learned how to use a sixty pound jackhammer, have been practicing maintenance (i.e. how to not lose or gain any more weight for a while as my body gets used to missing about half of its current mass), lots of work going on at work.

I was also going to write a post about how my dad evacuated a burning barracks in Vietnam, he got a medal for that, which was taken away (bottom line: it was the "colored" barracks and he is white and therefor had violated an unofficial segregation order by doing something when the morter round that hit next door started that barracks wing on fire). Of course my dad is the real hero to me in my life. I just couldn't think of more to say than what I've said.

I'm also nearing the one year point on my diet experience, and getting much too close to Christmas. Mentally, I know that a child getting ready to turn seven and Christmas are unrelated to disaster, but there is so much emotional resonance going on that it is difficult.

Last time the world seemed so happy is when it all fell apart. A summer of windsurfing, warmth into the late season, so many days with my girls and the first year my law practice really seemed to have come together, I'd never been happier or more secure feeling, as if the entire world was on track. Last time I felt at all physically fit or together too.

At least I feel more sympathy for people who engage in superstitions. Emotion is a hard master to escape some times.

I'll blog again when I'm freer from it.

Hometeacher, hero, life saver ...

Some time after the Tet offensive, in Da Nang, a "home teacher" whom I'll call "Bob" (a "home teacher" is an LDS lay member who visits with other members, Bob was a military guy just trying to cheer up other guys in the service) was in "the swamp" with the air force guys there. All day there had been so-called pressure on the perimeter. South Vietnamese soldiers had responsibility for guarding the perimter at that point, with the U.S. Marines responsible for responding to any serious threat.

The Air Force's MMS was there, with a light colonel in charge. That light colonel and all of the officers and master sergeants had been "redeployed" (i.e. they had evacuated), but everyone else had been left behind. The marines were not taking any action or moving in to reinforce the perimeter guards, and the colonel's last order had been for all the general enlisted guys to stay put, or else.

As things got bad, Bob could have left, but he felt responsible and he was a shooter, so he moved into one of the two machine gun nests and started laying down suppressing fire. It wasn't long before Bob realized he was the only person firing back at North Vietnamese who were getting much closer . The perimeter guards had all faded away, the U.S. Marine Corps was not responding to calls, claiming they would not move until and unless they had orders or were under attack themselves, and the Air Force guys, bless their hearts, lacked combat skills or training.

At this point, the perimeter was overrun. The breech was serious where the MMS (missile maintenance squadron) was concerned, though easily contained to that area, almost as if it was intentional (easily contained breaches are good for medal counts in the counter-attack as it makes everyone look like a hero who drives the enemy out). If Bob got out now, the rest of the guys would probably be in the casualty count. If he stayed, he expected that most of them would be able to get out before he was, err, neutralized, but he couldn't expect the marines to help or to relieve him. He stayed put and kept up a steady rate of fire.

As I said, Bob was a shooter. He was also lucky. Nearby ROK marines from the Tiger Battalion noticed the problem and unilaterally, without orders and without allowing communications to stop them, counter-attacked before Bob went into the neutralized column. He had burns on his hands and face; even with more than one assault rifle to work with, his rate of fire had been high enough that the weapons were burning hot. He had first and second degree burns, though he was lucky enough to heal without scarring. The Korean colonel, Lee, was awarded a silver star and sent home because of his complaints over Bob's court martial (which was later cleared off of Bob's records).

BTW, Robert Oaks served in the area as the same time as "Bob" who home taught my dad, there in the swamp. I don't know if his term of service in Vietnam overlapped with this particular event.

As somewhat of an epilog, right after that happened, the first shirt checked out two grenades. The guy in charge of the inventory that shift gave him thermite grenades (those will burn a hole in something, but they don't blow up) and sure enough, the light colonel ended up with two holes very near him -- some property damage, but nothing fatal.

LDS Heros -- My brother Daniel, on the Alcan Highway 1968

We were stopped to camp for the night and my brother heard someone cry out for help. A little kid had fallen in a stream and was being washed away. Daniel dove in and rescued the kid. As he pulled the kid out, the kid was crying about his shoe that was lost, so Daniel dove back in and rescued the shoe too.

Dan was born in 1957 and it was 1968 or 1969 when this happened, so he wasn't much more than a kid himself.

But this incident pretty much catches Daniel, who never does anything by half measures, risk his life to save your little brother, then back in to save his shoe too.

He is still that kind of guy.

What if we really are all equal?

If we really are all equal, and if we really are supposed to love and care for each other, then my right to be offended at my bishop is about equal to his right to be offended at me. My duty to reach out to him is the same as his duty to reach out to me.

I take it literally when I am told that we are all children of God. We are all children. It is important to think of others as children who need to be treated kindly, no matter who they are. I thought a lot about that in church today, and have been thinking on the topic for a while.

---

One other thing that I've thought about, in different ways, was the topic of today's lesson in church. It was on being followers, and I've been thinking on that. To follow and support leaders it is important that we be:

predictable
reliable
cheerful
kind
thoughtful in relation to problems

One of the most important gifts we can give others who deal with us is the comfort of predictability, so that they know what to expect from us. Yes, I want someone who can be reliable, but I would rather have predictability, because without it, I can not rely.

Next, reliability is so important. At work things would break down if we could not rely on each other.

Being cheerful helps so very much. If I ask someone for help, or just talk to them, and they are cheerful and pleasant, it makes life so much easier. It lightens my day. When combined with kindness, it provides a sort of safety, a type of comfort, a level of peace that is important.

Finally, when dealing with problems, it helps so very much if people have invested themselves in some thought. Not "I don't have any chairs in the class room" but "I need to set up forty chairs, could you help me set them up." If we ask leaders for help doing something rather than just reporting un-thought problems to them, it makes life easier for them.

All five of those things are also things we strive for when we work with others as equals. To let them know where they fit and what they can expect. To be treated pleasantly and with kindness, and finally, to be informed of problems in an action oriented way rather than a passive whine, makes life so much easier and a task so much more pleasant.

We would do it for our equals. If we can do it as followers, we can be better children of God and fellow citizens of Christ.

Shangri-la Diet, Ditto Foods, Hydration and Calcium

I think I've hit the last on what I have to say about the Shangri-la Diet. I was looking at things from March and realized that I was hoping to reach my goal of 172 by September 13. My weight on September 14 was 167. Now I'm on the maintenance end of the diet my weight is between 167 and 169 and has been there for a month.

Three things that seem important, and that are easy to miss or forget are the concept of "ditto foods," keeping hydrated, and getting enough calcium in my diet.

The calcium is easy when I'm at home, because I eat a lot of yogurt. On vacations I end up not eating as much yogurt and that makes a difference. I seem to gain weight when I'm either not eating yogurt (or taking calcium supplements) and to drop back down to my stable weight when I do.

The next is hydration. Even now, when I've finished my meal, I'll feel like eating something until I drink enough fluid. I get the water I should be drinking and the hunger goes away. Staying hydrated is very important. Too many diets, focused on short term, temporary weight loss, use dehydration as one of their stock tricks. But for long-term, permanent weight loss, dehydration is an enemy. For short term weight loss, it is a trick, a fraud, a temporary waste of time.

Finally, "ditto foods." A "ditto food" is a food that is the same, time after time, usually flavor dense and calorie dense. The classic "ditto food" has to be alcohol or ding dongs. Since I don't drink and am allergic to chocolate, neither affects me, but I've realized that calorie and flavor dense foods that are exactly the same, time after time, those foods will move my set point up. It is interesting to watch what people do in order to be able to eat chocolates or fudge. I think of the times I gained large amounts of weight and they were always times I was eating a diet heavily balanced (or not) by ditto foods.

The Beneke variations on the Shangri-la Diet are really methods for avoiding any ditto food elements in your diet as are the protein smoothies.

If I had a final trouble shooting comment, a final bit of advice for someone who was seeking to tweak things on maintenance, a last bit of advice, it would be to eliminate ditto foods, stay hydrated, and make sure that not only do you get enough protein and vitamins, but that you get enough calcium as well.

Identity Theft

Well, much to my surprise, the telephone calls I was getting were not from a boiler room trying to steal my identity, someone already had. However, my insurance and the police are on it now.

Arghhh. The poor person at PayPal sounded so sad. I felt bad for them.

I'll post more, about something worth posting about, later. I've more certified letters to send.

Dominant v. Competitive

My first child, Jessica, was very dominant. It would not be unusual to find her playing with six or seven kids in the neighborhood, all of them playing a game they did not like because she wanted to play it, even though most were older than she was. But she was not very competitive at all. Winning was not important to her. Nor was dominating other people, she just did it, but it wasn't important to her.

My youngest is very competitive, she really wants to win, but she doesn't seek to dominate at all. It has been interesting to watch her in sports, since she isn't interested in dominating (though she does want to be friends with everyone), but she does want to win.

Has made me think a lot, wondering what kinds of differences her sisters would have made in her life had they been here to share it. It has also gotten me to thinking and looking at people in groups and on the bloggernacle, and seeing the two behaviors (seeking to dominate and competing) as two very different things.

LDS Heros -- Early 60s

I thought I'd post the stories of some real heros who were also LDS.

I'm starting with the very early 60s in Newfoundland. Pre-Cuban Missile crisis, in Canada.

There was a SAC (pronounced "sack") base there. Active, with all that means. An alert went out, either a broken spear or a broken arrow (the terms will make sense in a moment). An experimental external carry air-launched thermonuclear device was being ferried through the base and someone pushed the wrong button, thinking they were jettisoning an external fuel tank.

Instead they had armed and released (on the ground) a fusion weapon. It was cycling, attempting to acquire a target. At some point very bad things would happen.

A perimeter was established. The problem was, of course, that there was no way to evacuate. Of course the weapon might just take off, but it could detonate in place as well. They needed two men to disarm it. One to disarm, the other to make sure the "safety" equipment (the nerve gas in the weapon designed to prevent tampering with it) didn't kill them.

They could only get one volunteer. As the other guy said "I've got a family." The Mormon guy said "I have a family too, that's why I'm doing this."

Now Newfoundland has a lot of wind and if you take the right precautions, nerve gas diluted by wind and blown away from you won't necessarily kill you quickly, the drugs you can take can slow it down sometimes. If you get lucky, you might even disarm the weapon without setting the safeties off, if you don't, and work fast, you have a chance at disarming the weapon before you die.

The risk was high enough that every man who worked the perimeter was given a promotion.

The LDS guy lived, and they told him that living was more than enough for Mormon. Any more and they might have to acknowledge the weapon had been there, and that had the potential for embarrassment.

My Dad thought the guy might be bitter about the difference in treatment, but he only said "you know, I still have a family." He was sealed to that family later in the Los Angeles Temple, and I'm sure he received his true reward.

But he was a real hero, even if somehow he was the one guy on duty at the time who did not get a promotion.

The Nietzsche Family Circus

Whoever battles with monsters had better see that it does not turn him into a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Is perpetual fair use possible? I'm not sure, but this post (of all the randomized ones) made me think of many things.

The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs a randomized Family Circus cartoon with a randomized Friedrich Nietzsche quote. http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/perm.php?c=114&q=112 for the link to the one cited here.

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.

Forgive me

“Forgive me for whatever things I have done or failed to do that caused
you such anger and anguish of spirit.
Forgive me for the months and years and feeling your hostility and
knowing that in some way you were responding to me, convinced that I
trigger these negative feelings in you.
Forgive me for not having asked forgiveness before.
Forgive me for not being able to sit with you and ask about your pain.
Yes, I know that there are two sides to every question, but _my side is
not important right now_.”

That is an excerpt from a great post at http://www.timesandseasons.org/?p=3480 about advice a parent received from Pastor Chip Murray.

Shangri-la Diet: Months Five and Six

For other Shangri-la diet posts, see: diet posts.

By now you should have found the level of oil (or other flavorless calories) that works for you to keep lowering your set point. It might be one tablespoon, it might be six or eight. As time passes and you lose weight, that number will probably go down (when I started, four was barely enough, now I take two tablespoons).

Once you have that working for you, the next step is to make sure you are getting enough vitamins, enough calcium and enough protein. You also want to stay fully hydrated. Don't eat when you should be drinking water.

The big thing to try at month three or four is the protein shake or smoothy. In basic form, that is a simple cold water and flavorless protein shake taken in to give you more nutrition (well, more protein) in the form of flavorless calories. In the fancy form it is a true smoothy, but with constantly changing and unusual flavors. At Seth Roberts' forums there are numerous recipes, including instructions that are basically what you need for a random flavor generator.

In addition, you should now have four months of experience with low glycemic index foods, survived the two week "blahs" or what I refer to as the boredom stage (where you just get tired of losing weight), and been through three or four plateaus. You've realized that a plateau is not a failure and you should have some skill at dealing with emotion without using food.

As long as the diet stays on track, then keep on track. You might want to look for and try some walnut oil or a similar oil that is high in Omega 3s. Many people report improved sleep and balance when they increase Omega 3s in their diets. You might want to try taking your oil in the middle of the night (a big "yes" in my personal experience for walnut oil, a big failure with drinking "the midnight oil" -- your experience may vary -- many find drinking the oil in the middle of the night a huge improvement).

But the thing to consider at this point is that you may be ready for very mild exercise. Stretching, for example, is a form of exercise you can do every day, even if you are in terribly bad shape. Water aerobics and swimming are also good gateway exercises is they are available to you, but stretching is something you can do for free. Eventually you will lose enough weight to be able to walk or do something more vigorous (I'm playing Judo these days), and if you get the chance to lift weights, I've a blog post on a method I stumbled into that gets good results with lifting once a week.

Also, keeping a weight journal, basically benchmarking your weight every Sunday morning (and writing it down so you can keep track) can really help. I know that once I got past the initial rush and loss of the first two months, keeping track really helped as I kept forgetting where my weight had been recently. After a while, it becomes a blur -- and those who are losing weight at the slower end (a pound or two a month) report that the blur is more intense.

Also, you need to make sure you are getting enough sleep. Finally, if things are really slow, you need to read a post like Jenn's at http://boards.sethroberts.net/index.php?topic=1862.45 where it took her quite a while and some very specific tweaks to start losing weight.

Those are the things to consider and keep track of at months five and six.

Next post, probably I'll discuss maintenance, unless more things develop on the boards that lead me to summarizing them all.

Clear, Concise, Complex

My daughter was asked what made a good thesis statement and she came up with that description. It occurred to me that the "three c's" also work well for what makes a good title for a blog post, I'll have to keep them in mind for future posts.

She also told me that as to school: "They told me that I could be anything when I grew up. I felt dashed when I realized I could not become a cat. I've always had a little disbelief in everything else they've told me ..."

Back from conference

Gas was $2.02 in Childress, Texas, much more expensive in Utah. Our general conference tickets were the casualty of a mistake by the guy in our stake who is responsible for them (but, in his defense, this is the first time he's messed up in years) so I drove to Utah and watched it on TV.

We got to see Heather, which was more than worth the trip. Rachel got to see Mesa Verde on the way back. We then drove straight through home, and I'm going to sleep. It is 6:30 a.m. and I could use a nap. ;)

BTW http://www.parkcityhelitours.com/ is run by some of the neatest people we know (the wife is teaching ethics in the BYU nursing program and the husband used to be an elite skier, now flies helicopter). Better than a visit to Six Flags.

I'll have a real blog post later. I am so glad to be home.

Finding perspective, finding hope,

"I began to think that continuing to have inchoate questions about what went on in the world was a luxury. Not only that, but I was gathering parasites"

There are those neat moments of discovery that people have and the things they say about them.

I liked this one.

Forgiveness is sweet -- such a powerful perspective, well told. It is easy to forget that we are all children (a "child of God" is a child first).

I also liked

I am encircled…eternally in the arms of his love.

and finally

I'm actually working toward full activity. I've rearranged my work schedule so that I can go to Church again and I'm looking forward to Conference.

Yesterday marked six years of Mormondom, and I think I have at least another six left in me.

I'm always grateful to find hope in the midst of so much trial.

I'll be back from vacation, and back on the internet in about nine or ten days. Just in time to help unload my parents I suspect. Back to posting on grief, loss, love, the Shangi-la Diet, and the amazing places people find hope.

Wish you all well, with love, hope and faith.

Stephen

Changing my mind

One of the things I do at work, that people I work with value, is I change my mind.

I will look at things and go, "hmm, this changes what I was thinking."

I hadn't even realized that others noticed until I was in a meeting Thursday with some people I work with, and one pointed out that my ability to change my mind, and to be honest about it, was something that made me valuable to work with.

I've been thinking about that since.

---

BTW, I'll be going on vacation at the end of the week. My parents move into town, actually move into our house while work and clean-up on their house continues, and we go on vacation.

I keep feeling like I need to post a caveat or something "just because the house is full of people, it doesn't mean we are home ..." We keep having friends borrow the house, and now we will have family here.

But, we will get to see Heather. Not sure what else, would like to take my nephew Darrell and his wife and child out to dinner while we are visiting. Will see what works out. I admire them.

At least I did. I reserve the right to change my mind. (That is a reprise on the post theme and a joke, the more I see of the kid the more I admire he and his wife).

Hearing and listening -- what is really being said

One thing that gets my attention every-so-often is when there is a rift between what is being said and what is being meant. I usually find those by reading conflicts where the people appear to be talking past each other.

For example, on the Snarkernacle (e.g. here as well as other places), if they post a parody or a snark that offends you or hurts your feelings and you send them an e-mail, they take it down. Every time, like clockwork. But, there is someone who posts as anonymous (and I suspect more than one someone) who has had their feelings hurt and is really upset about it.

The two talk past each other. For their situation, I don't have a solution.

But, if you find yourself repeating something and getting the same response back that seems to miss the point, assume that you are not communicating and that whatever they are saying, isn't what they mean to communicate.

Sometimes you even need to explain the difference. Such as when my wife sat our six-year-old down and explained that when many adults said "would you please do ..." they meant "do ... now!" but were being nice about it, not giving her an option (which is what she heard from the words and the word combinations they used).

Sometimes you need to figure out the difference. But in a relationship that matters to you, it is worth it. I'll write next on figuring out who is being talked to. Sometimes the words may go to you, but the person talking is talking to someone else. It helps if you figure that out.

Shangri-la Diet: moving on to months three and four

I've been reviewing the experiences others have had with the Shangri-la Diet.

At about the third month, if it is working well, you will get bored with losing weight or just feel tired of losing weight. This stage lasts about two weeks, but when it hits a number of people quit the diet and then come back after several months. So, if it works for you, just be aware that at around the third month boredom sets in and just hold on and the boredom will end.

Also be aware that for many, at the end of the second month, plateaus start to happen. Unlike a normal diet, where a plateau means the diet has failed, plateaus merely are a sign that your set point moves downward in a sine wave pattern rather than in a straight line. In losing over seventy pounds, I spent about half the time on plateaus mixed with about half the time losing weight. Lose weight, pause, lose weight, pause, all the way down. ~ is kind of a symbol for the way it goes.

On the other hand, for some, the weight loss is very slow and the plateaus are enhanced. For those, here is the next step.

First, make sure you are getting enough protein. That is one of the reasons I started eating so much fat free yogurt (amazingly, on a diet where most people add oil to what they are eating, my total fat intake went down -- fat free foods often have more protein for the calories than any other).

Second, make sure you are getting enough calcium. I'm not sure why, but many people who do not get enough calcium have trouble with weight loss, though they may get excellent appetite suppression. Yogurt again works well here (though I have a large container of calcium pills from Costco in the cupboard).

Third, consider protein powder smoothies. There are two ways to drink them, both in the place of one meal a day. The first is to have them as flavorless as possible. DesignerWhey and Nutro Soy protein are both available in a flavor free "flavor." Mix some of each together, blend with some cold water and maybe an icecube (use a blender) and drink them down while holding your nose (to reduce any remaining flavor) once a day. The second way is to open up your spice rack and use half a teaspoon of two spices, randomly chosen, blended with the protein powder and a couple tablespoons of yogurt and a little sugar or sweetener, for a "variable flavor" smoothie. As long as the flavor is different each day, that seems to work well too.

Protein powder smoothies also help with any protein issues.

Work through those additions and alternatives for the next two months. That gets you to four months on the diet. I'll go over the next two months in the future.

A completely different perspective on gay marriage

Red Family, Blue Family

I've never seen anything like it, anywhere else.

---

Interesting, related posts:

• Cracks in the Wall I: Defining the Authoritarian Personality
• Cracks in the Wall II: Listening to the Leavers
• Cracks in the Wall III: Escape Ladders
• Tunnels & Bridges I: Divide and Conquer
• Tunnels & Bridges II: Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself
• Tunnels & Bridges III: A Bigger World
• Stereotypes, Sellouts, and Winning the Meme Wars

I'm afraid that I don't have any conclusions to add, any sermons to preach, anything to say but to cite Joseph Smith:

I never thought it was right to call up a man and try him because he erred in doctrine, it looks too much like ----ism and not like Latter day Saintism. ----ists have creeds which a man must believe or be kicked out of their church. I want the liberty of believing as I please, it feels so good not to be tramelled. It don't prove that a man is not a good man, because he errs in doctrine. (WoJS 183-184)

I always wanted to write a doctrinal book or discuss a topic fraught with discord with that quote in the introduction.

I will go back to grief and loss and recovery and relationships in future posts.

What we should ask ourselves

“The catalogue of self-doubts in the original post are superficialities, only brought up to be dismissed. Obviously the young man didn’t decline mission service because his mother wasn’t a nimble housekeeper or scrapbooker.

The real doubts in every parents’ mind should include: Did I do everything I could to instill in my children a desire to serve the Lord through missionary service? Did I show by example that I value the Gospel enough to make personal sacrifices for it?”

Starting (or starting over) the SLD method

I've been working on different protocols to suggest to people, here is one I started to post on my site when blogger crashed and took the entire original post with it.

First you need to start with a commitment to taking a long, slow approach.

Second this approach is based on oil. When you use oil you need to realize that all oils are not the same thing. Your body metabolizes them all differently. Switching oils is the same as starting over, and for most people, switching oils means a loss of a week or two. Anyone who reports trying 4-5 types of oil in a couple months should not expect any success.

Third you will start with one tablespoon of sugar, one cup of water and one tablespoon of oil. To start use a 50/50 blend of canola oil and extra light (not extra virgin) olive oil. Dissolve the sugar in the water, pour the oil on top, swirl and drink at 10:00 a.m. every day. No flavor, no cigarettes, no mints, no snuff, no flavored lipstick, etc. from 9:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m.

Do this for a week. At the end of the week, if you have appetite sup presion, continue. If not, then.

Fourth, adjust. If your appetite hasn't reduced, go up to a second tablespoon of oil. Do a week at two tablespoons. If it works, stay at that level, if it doesn't, go up to three tablespoons of oil. Stay there for a week, if it works, fine, if not, go up another tablespoon.

Fifth, use a food plan to start. Check out a South Beach recipe collection from your local library. Use that as a rough guide for the first two months -- using it to avoid ditto foods, to avoid high gylcemic index foods and to make sure you are getting enough protein in your diet. An easy substitution is to eat eggs and whole wheat toast (dry) for breakfast, fat free yogurt for lunch, sandwich, green beans and salad for dinner. Diet soda for a snack. May get a little boring, but what you are after is stabilization and enough bulk and enough protein in your diet.

Sixth make sure you are getting enough water and enough vitamins. Note how much tea Seth reports that he drinks. I get a lot of fluids myself, even if I don't drink tea.

Seventh Join oa.org or a similar group (OA is free, which is why I recommend it).

Give this regimen two months, eight to nine weeks, if you have had problems and have decided to start, or restart, the diet.

I'm still working on a second two month program.

Co-thread at: http://boards.sethroberts.net/index.php?topic=2126.0

So, I'm half the man I used to be ...

Or at least that is the normal joke at Church. If you want more on the diet I used to lose the last seventy-two pounds, you can use the diet information link or read
Another Shangri-la Diet article.

I'm just grateful it isn't my mind that shrunk this time.

Shangri-la Diet Information for more if you have any questions. Or ask me. How many diets don't require buying special food or making major life changes? Even better, the on-line information lets you try the diet before you buy the book (if ever).

Aging, my father, my life

My father is aging. He also has Parkinson's disease. About four years ago his doctor told him that most of his patients die about nine to ten years after diagnosis. The medicine lets him function, but it makes him tired and he is thinking in terms of only having five or six more years before the end.

Until the disease took hold of him he was vital. Everyone expected him to long outlive my mother. Now she prepares for a life without him and he is in a state of acceptance.

But the long years I looked forward to with him seem unlikely. August 31st I had such emotional turmoil about it. Now I move forward.

For myself, I really fell apart as my girls died, one by one. I gained weight, lost muscle and became an old man when I was in my mid-thirties. Life wrapped up on me before I knew it.

Of course I've lost over seventy pounds, added muscle mass, and now that my rotator cuff problem is resolved, I'm slowly getting stronger in the arms and shoulders. I work out, and I'm very much enjoying it, though I also very much remember that I took it up so that I would be stronger and last longer for my girls. That is why I'm home with my six year old tonight instead of working out.

A friend I really admire is now frail. She can't even do Tai chi style exercise without injury and her essay touched me.

So much about life is about being bound by time. Making decisions when decay and imperfection surround us and loss is ever present. Because we grow, because we age, because we die, we have to choose. Every day we have to choose, to make decisions, to constantly deal with a world and an environment that is never static, that we have never mastered.

So I look at my father, his choices, his life, the good he has done and the peace he has found and I look and see my life. Having them near so we can care for them, doing what we can to be there for our children, making choices, bounded always by time, imperfection and ends.

In the progress of age, in my father, I see the shape of my life.

Her father can and does love her. But he is a guy ...

Will she have the strength to be herself and to not just take it like it is? Will she have the courage to show her true colors? Will she have the strengh and courage that I lack? I want so much for her. I want her to have a beautiful life where she decides what to do. Where she knows that her choices aren't limited. Where she finds love and accpetance and everybody can see she lives in beautful world.

Sounds like everyone's hope for their daughters. Even us guys, even when we don't fully understand.

Looking for Billy Joe Allgood

That is the history I have for him. Twenty-two years ago, he and Bob Smith introduced my wife and I to each other. If anyone knows where he is now, or has a phone number, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

Thinking about law school?

Skaddenfreude: Not All Lawyers Are Loaded

We now proudly present the inaugural installment of a regular ATL feature, Skaddenfreude: Totally Gauche Ogling of Other Lawyers' Incomes. As explained in our introductory post, Skaddenfreude will inform you about how much different lawyers around the country are earning (and how hard they're working to earn those salaries).

We've already received a number of submissions, some of which we present below, and some of which we're saving for future editions. This week's theme: not all lawyers are making a mint -- especially those who avoid the path of Biglaw and work for the government. Here are the numbers:

(1) assistant attorney general in a state AG's office, based in a large city, specializing in criminal law, class of 2005: $48,000 (40 hrs./week);

(2) legal research professor, at a top 50 law school in a mid-sized city, class of 2002: $46,000;

(3) attorney advisor for a city agency in a large city, class of 2003: $61,000 ("I only get a raise every two years, which is less than the cost of living. I work about 50-60 hours per week... last summer, I was working almost 70 hours a week...");

(4) deputy public defender, in a small city, specializing in criminal/juvenile cases, class of 1999: $48,000 ("Bonus? HA!").

Click the link for the rest of the story.

Ambient Noise, Ring Tones and Things I Really Don't Like

I listen to a fair amount of NPR, or used to listen to a fair amount of NPR. One thing I really do not like is the current trend to increase the amount of ambient noise that runs with the material -- often noise that seems artificially added. When I'm driving, I do not need an extra, moving, crystal clear siren noise. Let the studio broadcast just be silent in the background.

Even worse is the growing trend of using ring tone "music" interlaced with broadcasts, as a sub-theme in theme music and in advertisements. Like a borderline personality disorder, the "music" cries out for attention, setting off people checking to see if a cell phone is ringing. While it calls for attention, it also seems to generate revulsion. Advertisements with those sub-themes are the ones most likely to trigger a changed channel rather than being patiently listened to/ignored until more news or music comes on.

Shows that use them are why I've given up on NPR and on radio in general.

I know, on the scale of things that are annoying or dislikable, what I've mentioned is pretty trivial, but it probably annoys me more than anything else I deal with. What out there annoys you?

Heather

Ok, here is a photo.

Like everyone else, I love my kids and am proud of them. Tournament winning shooter, that's my daughter.

Too bad BYU doesn't have a Judo club any more, she had just started with that and was really enjoying it.

Grateful

I've blogged about other people's sisters, but I had the sweetest call from my own, who shows such kindness to me. I'm grateful for her and her remembrances.

Choosing, endurance, happiness, and kindness

I saw the question: "And what can we do in the midst of affliction to endure?"

In a roundabout way, there is an answer, and it comes from the nature of the human mind and the reality that we are a part of. It is interesting that the research seems to indicate (very, very strongly) that attempting to exert direct control over an emotional response has a negative effect when we try to choose to be happy.

So, if we try to choose to be happy, we are probably going to be less happy.

On the other hand, we are quite capable of choosing to be kind because there is strong support to the position that we can choose approaches to take. The choice of taking the approach of kindness will help us to endure and live well.

It is similar to the issue of choosing to endure. If you are trying to choose endurance, you are probably already in trouble. On the other hand, if you start looking for reasons to endure, you will find them, and in finding them, endure.

Live your life for others, be kind, and you will find endurance and happiness, things that everyone thinks they seek. Especially when grief attempts to overwhelm you, there is reason in the choice to find meanings as a foundation and to choose the approach of kindness. In enduring for others, in being kind to them, we find our own path and way home, in spite of every affliction.

... I need a psych exception to the no weapons in the dorms policy ...

Funny story.

There is a kid, when she was young and feeling scared, her parents gave her a sword to sleep with to make her feel safe. Kind of like a teddy bear, only a bit more useful (though not much, it was a wall hanger) against prowlers and such.

So, she is in the dorm, feeling homesick and wanted to know if they would let her have a sword in her room. The exception would be the psych exception. So she could have a weapon in the dorms.

They kindly told her no, she laughed when she told my daughter and my daughter told me, which I thought was funny.

Recommended books by Suzette Haden Elgin

I should have thought to do this for my guest post at FMH.

How to Turn the Other Cheek and Still Survive in Today's World by Suzette Haden Elgin (Paperback - Nov 1997)

Used & new from $0.19

My favorite. At nineteen cents, a used copy is obviously a great deal.

The Grandmother Principles by Suzette Haden Elgin (Paperback - April 2000)

Buy new: $10.95 $8.98 In Stock

Used & new from $0.86

The book on how to be a grandmother.

How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable: Getting Your Point Across with the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzette Haden Elgin (Paperback - Mar 1997)

Buy new: $16.95 $11.53 In Stock

Used & new from $4.75

This is probably the best book if you are looking to learn the concepts.

The Gentle Art of Communicating with Kids by Suzette Haden Elgin (Paperback - Jan 1996)

Buy new: $14.95 In Stock

Used & new from $4.99

I've given over ninety copies of this book away.

The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work by Suzette Haden Elgin (Paperback - Jan 19, 2000)

Buy new: $16.95 $11.53 In Stock

Used & new from $7.95

The one I recommend to anyone in college.