Wednesday, January 11, 2006

One thing that surprises me about life is just how happy I am. As Rachel has gone through the stages of getting older and reprised her sisters a bit, bringing to mind a certain baby, a certain almost two year old, and a certain child who almost turned seven, I have had to re-encounter a great deal of emotion. In addition to the Christmas season and going through it with a six year old one more time, I've started Seth Roger's diet. Weight loss aside, food no longer serves to insulate me from emotion. I feel emotion much more strongly.

The funny thing, so to speak, about it all is that the dominant emotion that I feel, day in and day out, is happiness. It makes sense. Before everything, my native state was being happy. Now, I really enjoy my job (my secretary has finally adjusted to the fact that I respond to new files with cheerfulness, as if I'd been given a present -- we are in house and she is used to attorneys groaning when they get difficult work). There is a nice blend of repetition and variety in what I do -- and I win a lot.

A co-worker once referred to my family and I as "the Stepford bunch" -- because with the sickness and the other problems we still like each other, and it is still a joy to walk Rachel to school, talk with Heather and just be with Win.

Sometimes things catch me by surprise. Burying three children will do that to you, even now. But just as often they are good things, like just how steadily positive life has been. Sure, life has annoyances (we just had some kids out on a lark drive down the street bashing in windows and they got Heather's car), but they just don't seem worth getting riled up about (our insurance had a guy out to replace the windows first thing Monday and Heather's Volvo is as good as new again, or will be once she gets it waxed and polished).

I hope that anyone visiting my blog finds joy in life as well.


annegb said...

I echo your sentiments and applaud this post, Stephen. You nailed it. This is exactly what I experience. Did you ever think, when you were going through the worst of it, you could feel that way?

annegb said...

why is there always a garbage can on my posts? I find that so funny. I will look and the others don't have a garbage can. How do you delete a post of your own?

Sorry for the threadjack. Can you answer this on e-mail? Every once in awhile I totally embarrass myself and I would like to erase it.

Stephen said...

No problem.

In blogger, the site owner sees trashcans by every post. Posters only see trashcans by their own. To see a trashcan by someone's posts you have to log in with their identity.

If you click on the trashcan, it lets you remove the post -- great for getting rid of spam and troll bait.

Not a problem to answer, and not a threadjack.

David B. said...

I'm glad to hear you are able feel happiness in your life. It's amazing what the Lord can do to heal our broken hearts and souls. May that healing influence continue to be with you always.

Stephen said...

I have to know that among the other things that made me happy was to realize that when my feeling started to surface, over and over again I was just delighted with my wife. I knew I had been suppressing something, but it was a bit of a relief (among other things) to discover that it was just how happy she makes me.

Lisa M. said...

I have always thought that with experincing great loss, also comes with the hightened understanding of joy.

The more I contemplate, the more certain I am, that happiness comes from the little things. The celebration of the simple experiences in life, that are so often taken for granted.

Loss, has a way of casting a brillant light over those simple things, that nothing else can. Perhaps not right away... but later, after the fire.

annegb said...

Wonderful point, Lisa. Things like that used to anger me because I would have preferred to live in mediocrity rather than the anguish I constantly experience. Now I think I may be lucky, because I feel more, I know more, I see more.

I used to say, "bite me, I'll trade with you." I have changed.

Lisa M. said...

Ya know tho Annegb, There are times I still feel like that. When I would rather be "un-enlightened" (so to speak)

When I still feel anger. When I still feel... what ever those feelings are.

It still makes my BLOOD boil, when someone will say, "Oh, you have a SPECIAL child" arn't you so lucky."

Um, ya. I feel lucky.

I sometimes think that people are so stupid. That they say the dumbest things. I wonder... do they hear themselves?

And , I am lucky. I am so grateful for him in so many ways. We came with in a breath of losing him. How much more lucky can we be? And yet, when I sit and look at him, and he can't hear or see and will more than likely never walk... I wonder.. *why*?

Why do some people have such struggles as he has.

*shaking head* talk about a thread jack.


What I meant was, I understand what you are saying. It really depends on the day, if i can see through the haze or not.

Stephen said...

Lisa M.

Want to do a guest post that expands your latest comment? I'd like that if you have the time.

annegb said...

And Lisa, doesn't it make you mad when people imply you're lucky, that God is blessing you with these trials?

I will never be grateful for the lessons I've learned by my sons' deaths. Never.

Well, maybe after I die.

Lisa M. said...

Sure, I will, thanks Ethesis.


Which part of my tirade would you like me to expand on!?

Stephen said...

The parts that move you (which part of the tirade do I want you to expand on?).


See everyone when I get back from Hot Springs, Arkansas.

Anonymous said...

I just had a lesson on Sunday on the How Jesus is the Master Healer. IT was presented VERY well. I have gone through a lot of sorrow the past little while and I totally agree with what Lisa M says. Of course I usually agree with what Lisa says and she has really helped me through this stuff. Thanks for you post it was very good.