So what are people debating?

This position ends up sounding like a form of pseudo-Calvinism in which heterosexual tendencies are a manifestation of inscrutable divine providence.

To consider the implications of the current debate on the eternities there is more than just concluding that it is a matter of divine providence.

To get to answers, start with the question of "what is sex?" After all, some species have more than one sex, slime mold variants may have as many as fifty or sixty sexes, though the most famous has only thirteen.

If the term “gender” is used the same way as the term “sex” (and it may or may not have that meaning in some situations, even most), perhaps any discussion should start with the question of what sex is.

The answer is not as obvious as some people think. Sexual identity is a basically a key for which members of a species can produce off-spring with which others (in the slime mold example, in a group of 13 slime molds, a mold probably can produce off-spring with 10 or 11 of any group of random molds, whereas in a group of 13 random humans, odds are one can produce off-spring with only 6 or 7).

Sex is a way of breaking communities up into groups that can form stable reproducing units.

However, given how irrelevant sexual unions as we understand them are likely to be in the eternal world (or why no one considers it adultery for married people to remarry others after the death of a spouse), but how important interlocking networks are (the sealing power of Elijah that turns hearts to each other, lest the world be void), there may be much more going on as well (or why I think polygamy is irrelevant [and yes, that is a series of essays, not just one]).

But where does this leave gays and why would an LDS prophet have said that he thought we would have to have civil unions for gays? Not to mention, where does this leave reproduction and is it sexual in the eternities, especially as it deals with light and truth that has become intelligence ready to be born into spirit. If spirit does not come ex nihilo, what is the implication for sex and gender?

I don’t have anywhere near the answers others do. That is probably because I don’t really fully understand the questions. But I know at least that I have more questions to ask.

---

My problem is I started in favor of having gays I knew get married, or at least have church weddings, and treating marriage as an issue of letting people "worship how, what or when they may."

I've been discomforted by those who have dealt with this issue by being extremely hostile to the church I belong to, and by the arguments I've seen -- I confess that most arguments pro and con are bad enough that I find myself agreeing with whoever was on the other side of the last argument that I read.

I then read a comment on the topic at http://nancyrapoport.blogspot.com/ that got me thinking about what marriage really was, together with a volokh.com post that attacked the idea that marriage had anything to do with exclusivity -- that marriage should have any prerequisites or qualifications. It made me remember people who felt they should be able to marry their animal life mates, and who saw marriage as having nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with companionship and trust.

Which has all in all, gotten me thinking and further from conclusions than I once was. Though I am somewhat convinced that everyone is debating the wrong issues, looking at the wrong things.

I do, however, still think that everyone who wants one should be able to have a wedding at any church that is willing to celebrate with them.

See also Nate Oman's thoughts at:

http://www.timesandseasons.org/index.php/2008/11/why-conservatives-should-support-same-sex-marriage-legislation/

On the gay marriage debates

Something I have noticed on the Gay Marriage debates is what causes people to change their minds, and it is generally social proof.

• Those most likely to change from opposed to in favor of gay marriage know gays in long term, monogamous, committed relationships.
• Those most likely to change from in favor to opposed meet gays seeking benefits who are either not in exclusive relationships or who are hostile to a religious or heterosexual group.

From studying conflict resolution, I find myself often just as interested in how the process of conversion works as any other part of a conflict.

But I started reflecting on what marriage was and what it has become.

At one time, sterility was a basis for annulment. marriage was a child rearing procreative driven economic partnership. In some cultures love was considered inappropriate, in others, impossible vis a vis marriage. Marriage was something far different.

But what is it now? As far as I can tell, there are two competing models.

• There is the "forsaking all others" model, marriage as a celebration of pair bonding. Monogamous marriage.
• There is the "marriage is a pathway to entitlements" model, marriage as a title that conveys a benefit. Often seen in "open" or social marriages (such as green card marriages where the parties have no contact and nothing in common).

I'm not going to argue what marriage should be, only state that I think that, perhaps, gay marriage may be the wrong frame for the debate as to what marriage is and should be.

See my longer post on the same topic, simulposted at Mormon Matters.

Dallas Observer

http://www.dallasobserver.com/2008-10-30/news/keeping-the-faith/ is an article in the Dallas Observer about keeping the faith.

Interesting to compare it to Naiahdot's experiences with the West Texas Polygamists and http://gritsforbreakfast.blogspot.com/ which covered the legal angles.

The Observer is known locally for carrying the "real" news in Dallas (the Dallas Morning News is an excellent national newspaper and is the true state newspaper of Texas, but locally it tends to miss the real stories).

This was a different article for them.

Mormon Matters had the article on the sidebar briefly (I think, the Prop 8 stuff kind of washed it away), and a mail server problem took http://adrr.com/ off-line for a day or so (sigh, though if you typed in the numbers instead of the url it came up. http://69.94.118.111/ what a handful -- and not obvious from the page that popped up for visitors on November 10, when I was spending most of the day in bed sick).

Anyway, I wanted to point the article out, which has the virtue of being finished (Naiah's essays on her experiences are still not up on-line). You can also still visit Voices for the Children and see just how that has morphed.

I feel for children, though I worry about what is best for them in the long run.

I'm glad Jesse Hyde found his own way. Worth a look. If you have thoughts, contact his editor at patrick.michels@dallasobserver.com

Jim Brown

I was talking with a dear brother at Church again. Jim Brown is his name. I find him inspiring (or, honestly, I wouldn’t mention his name here). He always gives me hope, encouragement and thought. He makes it easier to go to Church when I’m tired or feel I would rather be asleep or reading something that speaks more directly to me.

It helps to have a Jim Brown in your life and in your Church. Someone whose wit and charm cuts through the fog, whose example reminds you to work harder and be more diligent, whose good cheer and humility inspire, guide, and yes, sometimes shame one into being a better person and striving to do more and to take better care.

It makes it easier to hear him when he tells me I’m wrong or should think twice. Which is something I find that I still need to do.

When I was younger I would think I was making progress, then find myself pruned back and in need of growing again, making progress at the rate of a miniature bonsai tree rather than something a little more robust (in a hundred years a miniature bonsai might be lucky to net 3 or 4 inches of growth, seems to me to be a very slow way to make progress). I’d always hoped to improve enough that I wouldn’t need the pruning, the work and the starting over quite so much.

I’m only glad that since I still do need to keep improving and need to be pruned over and over again, I have people like Jim Brown to make it easier.

Being Loved

I was talking to a dear, dear sister about someone she admired and loved with all her heart. How the other woman made her feel comfortable, unjudged, graciously accepted and cared for. Never demanding, never critical, never intruding. How she longed for a mother like that.

What I did not tell her is that the woman’s own daughter longed for a mother like that as well.

It gave me pause. At some time our children become adults who we have to trust, give space and accept. In many ways, we need to approach them as we would strangers.

Yes, there is certainly a time to guide, to nurture to encourage and to harass. But more as we might with friends we know well, rather than as with children who should obey us.

In some ways that time comes when our children no longer need to turn to us for support. But there are times we need to lead into that relationship, just as there will be times when independent children need more from us.

We will all err and make mistakes, one way or the other. Everyone knows spoiled brat children who are indulged. Whose parents forgive and tolerate any trespass – especially those trespasses against others (like the parent whose six year old child runs about fanging and biting other children and adults at church, just not his mom, who coos and accepts the behavior with a “boys will be boys and I’m sure he’ll grow out of it, but isn’t it so cute?”).

But everyone also knows the child who is never good enough, always being poked and prodded and “encouraged” to do better. (Just gave me a flash back to a speech class I took. “Yes, you were the best in the class again, but I just know that you can do better, so I’m giving you another B+ for the assignment” – when I was giving it everything I had. I’ve known people who lived that, not just for a semester, but for their entire lives).

It is a hard thing to feel that you have never lived up to a your mother (or father)’s standards, desires, hopes or goals. That you have always been measured and been found wanting. Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin is a harsh sentence.

In the example I just encountered, the mother told me “see, she doesn’t think I’m judgmental, I hope she will explain that to my daughter, to show her just how wrong that child is.” I sighed (to myself) and thought, “ah, but if only you could not judge your daughter, she would see just how wonderful you can be.” It was more than I could accomplish, though I’m sharing the story here in the hopes that it might help someone else and that I might learn something myself.

I know that sometimes I’m too soft, too indulgent. I know that sometimes I spend too much time trying to prune and nurture my children as well (kind of like a garden that is either not weeded enough or that is overworked). But I’m hoping to learn by others examples and to find a better balance before it is too late and I’m left hoping that strangers will talk to my children and tell them that I’m really not so bad.

Note from a friend for my father

You, the xxx and hhh all have interesting points of Views of growing up and service [by family members] in Vietnam than I do. I just remember watching it on Walter Cronkite, and knowing some friends of my parents were serving over there. Your Dad lived and breathed it. I know it was way different than anything I can remember if that age.

In June when I was last in Saigon, (yes the locals still call Ho Chi Minh City Saigon) I walked out of the Notre Dame Cathedral ( a moving experience for a not very Methodist, Methodist) and down to the Opera House I walked a block over to a main thorough fare. As I stood on the corner and closed my eyes I could transplant every Vietnamese face with an American Face and open my eyes. In my mind I could have been standing on Canal Street! I retraced my steps. I never saw a soldier. I never saw an armed police official. I saw stores, shops, Lexus, Toyotas, Kias, and Fords. I saw people buying stuff and wearing normal clothes.

My wife's uncle did 3 tours. He was a 5'3" tall 124 lb Marine. 3 tours as a tunnel rat. I told my wife's uncle this same story. I told him 32 years after the "fall of Saigon" its damn obvious we won the war. So if you happen to talk to your dad about that time. Tell him you know this young'un in eastern NC. Tell him I have been twice. Tell him I was welcome with open arms. Tell him we won that damn war.

I went over and told my Dad. He has been doing better recently, still awake at 8:30 p.m. and very coherent. The message made him smile, though he said it was a terrible thing we were sucked into the war, he was glad that we were reconciled at the end.

SLD Update

I've been told that as I close on three years using the Shangri la Diet, I owe an update. Officially, my weight went from 245 lbs down and then stabilized at about 189 for a couple years. That is pretty much true, though the past few months my weight has slipped. It is now 168 or so, though I plan to stop the slippage.

My exercise program and the unrelated rotator cuff rehabilitation are both going well. I'm still making progress in about 90 minutes a week [link]. I eat a lot of yogurt, some fruit, eggs and flax bread, simple and short food.

So, I still drink extra light olive oil, it still surpresses my set point, and keeping my weight down is still an automatic process that doesn't take any will power, like breathing. I'm still gaining strength (though I'm by no means strong yet), in a way that leaves me lots of time for better things like long walks with my wife. Especially at this time of year, there is nothing better.

I'm almost 53 and just about where I had planned to be when I turned 35. So, do I have anything to be proud of? Not really. But I'm happy to be here, even if I'm a little late.

Posts written, delayed by other things

Pretty much says it all.

Have a wedding to go to this week-end, maybe more blogging when I get back.

---

Did some book reviews on topics other than those I blog on:

• The No Complaining Rule
• The Age of Speed
• Advertising 2.0 -- Social Media Marketing in a Web 2.0 World
  • Or the why and how of internet marketing campaigns
  • Will one work for you or not and why

Overcoming Through Christ: Grace v. Works misses the point

My prior post may have been too short to make the real point. I may also have used the wrong words. What KH said made me realize that it is not a conflict between grace and works. Instead, it is a matter of trust ("trust" may be a better word than "surrender"), reliance and active faith.

Grace is a power greater than ourselves that responds to our trust and surrender. It requires our reliance and it requires active faith. Is active faith or exercised faith "works"? I guess, kind of. Does grace demand that of us? Absolutely. Grace demands reliance and faith. But it is the power of God that saves when we can not save ourselves. Obviously that is something greater than we are.

Thus we overcome the world by faith in Christ, and in turn are overcome by the grace of God. But we start unable to overcome the world, to overcome our weaknesses, by ourselves. So while we must act, it is not the acts that save us, it is a power greater than we possess that brings salvation.

That is the key point, and why the grace vs. works argument misses the point altogether and creates a false perspective.

At least that is what I'm thinking right now.

Quoting an excellent example:

"God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

Having Overcome Through Christ

I was teaching a lesson on the plan of salvation and Kevin Hinckley made the point that the phrase "who ^aovercome by faith" [50–70] is a matter of surrender, not accomplishment. That is a profound merger of a twelve step concept (KH was a professional counselor and now volunteers his time to coordinate a twelve step program for the Church locally) and the concept of grace.

I'm still digesting that thought, one which subtly sidesteps the question of works and grace for a question of faith and surrender.

There are two basic twelve step concepts here. The first is that life is beyond our control and our weaknesses are more than we can handle; that of ourselves, we can not do it.

The second is that through repentance and surrender to God, we can be saved -- if we follow-through with the necessary effort and changes (though they would not put it that way). It is packaged much differently, which has made me wonder about the differences the approach makes.

Summarized, the initial steps are:

1. Admit or recognize that you are powerless
2. Come to believe that a power greater than yourself can save you.
3. Make a decision to turn your life over to God.
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory.
5. Admit to God, yourself and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs.

From an LDS viewpoint that would be:

1. Realize that works alone can not save you.
2. Have faith in Christ
3. Act on the faith by deciding to turn your life over to God
4. Be honest, look at yourself through a lens of honesty
5. Confess your sins
6. Repent
   

Etc. (after all, there are twelve steps -- and I'm only paraphrasing them).

Wikipedia summarizes the full twelve steps as follows:

• admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion;
• recognizing a greater power that can give strength;
• examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member);
• making amends for these errors;
• learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior;
• helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twelve-step_program

A twelve step program is a process of the knowledge and works that must be accomplished in order to rely entirely on grace.

That we may overcome through Christ is how a religious person might put it.

I Am David/North to Freedom

I Am David (2004) Starring: Roberto Attias, Elisabetta Bartolomei Rating: Format: 66 Reviews 5 star: (46) 4 star: (11) 3 star: (5) 2 star: (2) 1 star: (2) See all 66 customer reviews... (66 customer reviews) North to Freedom by Anne Holm (Author) "David lay quite still in the darkness, listening to the men's low muttering..." (more) 28 Reviews 5 star: (26) 4 star: (1) 3 star: (0) 2 star: (0) 1 star: (1) See all 28 customer reviews... (28 customer reviews)

Win and I just saw this again, thanks to Netflicks, for the first time with Rachel. She had never seen it.

When I was very young, my teacher read this to us. It was published originally in 1965.

The movie shares much with the book, though it has its differences. It was moving. Loss, love, endurance, hope.

---

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http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&altf=Tufqifo1S4&altl=Nbsti

For a quick joke.

Nocona, other reflections

There is a small town in Texas, Nocona (home of Nocona Boot for the real cowboys out there) that had a park with all of the old playground equipment that has been taken out of every other park.

We used to take Jessica and Heather there and let them play. It was a drive (made a nice day trip) and we had to watch them like hawks (there is a reason that all that stuff has been taken out of parks).

I was back for a deposition. They've revitalized the park, much of the equipment is gone.



Still had teeter totters, some of the climbing equipment, but the rolling barrels are gone, so is the large flower for climbing (just a pole with flower pods sticking out from it that went about twelve feet into the air) and some other things that were dear to my heart (even if I never actually let the kids play on them).

They really spent time and money cleaning things up, repainting and putting in new style plastic equipment. Life is change.

---

Had someone ask me if I believed in racism. I'm a lawyer. I do trial work. I'm not sure "believe in" is the right term, but I see people reacting differently on the basis of race and class.

It has been interesting to learn about and discover, and at times, the two combine in ways that are often toxic or harmful.

Just thinking about that tonight.

---

Final note.

My eight year old was really happy about an activity and some things we had done together. She looked at me and said, "You know dad, you are the best dad I know. Why, on a scale of 0 to a 100, with a bad dad being a 0, I'll bet you are at least a 75." I told my wife about it yesterday, she is still laughing about it tonight.

Rachel still thinks she has given me the best possible compliment ever.

Me, I just remember that she may be very, very bright, but she is still eight years old. ;)

esōteron tou katapetasmatos -- interesting links

A great post at: http://grandpaenoch.blogspot.com/2008/10/was-there-biblical-esotericism.html

Esoteric, then, in its original biblical meaning, refers to the teachings and practices done within the veil of the Temple.

As was http://thingsofmysoul.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-word-should-be-my-bond.html

my word should be good enough. If someone asks me to do something, I should be able to say, "Yes," or "No," and have that be enough.

http://ajourneythroughhisgarden.blogspot.com/2008/10/forbidden-fruit.html

A poem

and

“Why did it take billions of years for God to create the earth? Why not just millions of years, or even better, why not just one second?” It often comes down to the idea that God commands and waits until he is obeyed.

and

The Bible is Where the Wild Things Are

Cutting out cable televsion

We had a merger and a swap and as a result, our cable company was taken over by one that refuses to carry conference. They then wanted to jump our rates. The guy seemed outraged when I called to cancel, as if they had some right to force us to stay with them.

The new company required that we get cable TV if we wanted to get cable internet. While we were at it, we went with Sunrocket. When they went out of business we switched to our cable provider. Well, their rates went up and we just don't watch much TV. The phone was switched to Vonage and we just cut the cable and went with Netflicks. For about seven dollars a month we can get most of the children's programming, all the movies we feel like watching, and we can go to Hulu.com for any television shows we really want.

Which basically meant my wife watched House twice ;) and I saw part of my first Heros episode (hey, now I've seen the show at least once -- and I like it).

Our bill basically dropped by two thirds, for what has turned out to be better service, all in all. I'm surprised how much better the sound is with Vonage.

So, we go shopping for food once a week, and if we don't have it, we just wait for the next week. Each week I look for something around the house to fix. Each week we try to reduce expenses and find a better way to do something.

But this week or so, the way to improve things has been cutting out the cable television, and everyone is happier.

Mormon Matters Posts

I'm also at a group blog, Mormon Matters. Some of my posts there have included:

• Through a Glass, Darkly
• Examples of seeing the world through a poor mirror’s reflection (which is what "through a glass darkly" means)
• Running on Empty
• The Scriptures are a What?!
• Ignoring Scripture
• Finding the truth
• God is a What?! (Introduction)
  
• God is a What?! Part One
• God is a What?! Part Two
• So What is God?
• Polygamy, What it Really Implies (Part One)
• Polygamy, what it really implies (Part Two)
• Trials
• Life and Affliction (part two with another to come)
• Affliction (final post in the series)

I've other posts there as well, but these cover the core of my perspectives that shape how I view the world as a context for the trials and difficulties that people sometimes face.

Next, I'll blog on how we cut out cable tv and other things we've done to save money.

Dying in the ICU // What Sarah Said//Love is Watching Someone Die

Here is the video, What Sarah Said/Love is Watching Someone Die




Here is the interpretation




My wife pointed this out to me, it really grabbed me, that sometimes, love is watching someone die.

Some personal essays // A talk

I've put them at:

http://adrr.com/bengoshi/

As for something a little less personal, a talk I gave for Father's Day, years ago, follows:

HONORING OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN


    This Father's day I was assigned to speak on honoring our
Heavenly Father.  When one speaks of 'honor' one thinks of respect,
integrity, virtue, regard and devotion.  Each of these words are
synonyms of one type or another for the word "honor."   To honor is
to respect, regard and to be devoted.  In regards to devotion and
honor, the highest form of honor is discipleship -- being a true
believer and follower of the one honored.


    To be a disciple of God we must honor him by having love. 
As Christ said:


St. John 13:35

    By this shall men know that ye are my disciples, if ye
    have love, one to another.


    Not only is love a test for discipleship, it is a commandment. 
The Lord told us:


St. John 15:12

    This is my commandment, that ye love one
    another as I have loved you.


    We are commanded to love each other with the same love that God
shows to us.  This is a commandment that is essential to our salvation. 
If we are to be saved in the kingdom of God we must press forward


Alma 13:29

    Having faith on the Lord, having a hope that ye shall
    receive eternal life; having the love of God always in
    your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day
    and enter into his rest.


    If we do these things, we will have the Spirit of God, and


Galatians 5:22

    *** fruit of the Spirit is love ***
    And, of course, life eternal.


    As I have reflected on showing our Honor to God through being
his disciples and seeking his Spirit, I came to understand that we
could judge whether we were disciples of Christ, whether we honored
our Heavenly Father, by whether we were motivated by love or whether
we were motivated by something else.


    We choose to honor God or to honor Satan by whether we choose to
love.  If we love, we are the Children of God.  If we love, then Heavenly
Father is our Heavenly Father and God is our God.


    The question we should then ask is what is that love that honors
God and makes us Children of God?  It is love that


1 Cor 13

4}   vaunteth not itself
    is not puffed up
5}   is not easily provoked
    thinketh no evil
4}   is kind


    It is the love that grants the fruit of the Spirit in our lives
and the fruits of love.  We can thus know whether or not we have the
Spirit of God by the fruits our lives show.  St. Luke 6:44


    In our homes and at work, are we easily provoked, do we think evil
or good of people, are we puffed up -- vaunting ourselves -- or are we
humble, and over all, are we kind?  These are questions we need to ask
ourselves.


    Does the Spirit make known the truths of God in our hearts, teaching
us love and kindness or do we nourish something else?  Do we live our
lives honoring God by love, or do we do God dishonor by rejecting love
and holding to something else? 


Remember D & C 76:116 concerning the gifts and fruits of the Spirit,
the mysteries of God:

    Neither is man capable to make them known,
    for they are only to be seen and understood
    by the power of the Holy Spirit, which God
    bestows on those who love him and purify
    themselves before him.


    Do we love God, honor him and purify ourselves before him?  Are we
kind and Godly or harsh and devilish?


Alma 5:40-41

    For I say unto you that whatsoever is good cometh
    from God, and whatsoever is evil cometh from the devil.
    Therefore, if a man bringeth forth good works, he
    hearkeneth unto the voice of the good shepherd,
    and he doth follow him; but whosoever bringeth
    forth evil works, the same becometh a child of the
    devil, for he hearkeneth unto his voice, and doth
    follow him.


    Of all the people we look at, of all the people we judge, the most
important person to evaluate is ourself.  Looking at someone else and
jumping to conclusions about them is an act of pride.  Instead, we need
to look at ourselves and ask if we are kind or if we are prideful --
looking inward is the only direction of judgment that will further our
salvation.

    We need to ask if we hearken unto the voice of God and do the things
that would honor God, remembering him as our Father.


Alma 5
6-7}      And now behold, I say unto you, my brethern
    you that belong to this church, have you sufficiently
    retained in remembrance the captivity of your fathers?
    Yea, and have you sufficiently retained in remembrance
    [God's] mercy and long suffering towards them?  And
    moreover, have ye sufficiently retained in remembrance
    that he has delivered their souls from hell?
         Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened
    them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God.
    Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless
    their souls were illuminated by the light of the ever-
    lasting word; ***


    When the day of judgment comes


19-20}I say unto you, can you look up to God at that
    day with a pure heart and clean hands?  I say unto you
    can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon
    your countenances?


27-28}Have ye walked, keeping yourselves blameless before
    God?  Could you say *** that ye have been sufficiently
    humble?  ***
         Behold, are ye stripped of pride? ***


30}  ***  is there one among you that doth make mock of
    his brother, or that heapeth upon him persecutions?
   
37} 
39} 
54-56}If ye persist in wickedness
54}  supposing you are better one than another
55   turning your backs upon the poor and the needy
    withholding your substance from them
56   [then ye] shall be hewn down and cast into the fire ***


    Are we humble, filled with memories of the goodness of God and his
love or are we filled with pride?  Are we fit to remain the children of
God or are we fit to be hewn down and cast into the fire?


    Are we children of God?  For


Alma 5:39

    And now, if ye are not the sheep of the good shepherd, of what fold
are ye?  Behold, I say unto you that the devil is your shepherd and ye
are of his fold; and now, who can deny this?  *** whosoever denieth this
is a liar and a child of the devil.


    Are we disciples of God?  Have we been born again as his children. 
Do we honor God by our love?  Are we kind, patient, charitable and easily
entreated?  Are we patient and loving?  Do we find assurance or worry in
the words of Alma, when he says:


Alma 34:28

    And now behold my beloved brethern, I say unto you, do not suppose
[prayer] is all; for after ye have done all these things, if ye turn away
the needy, and the naked, and visit not the sick and afflicted, and impart
of your substance, if you have, to those who stand in need -- I say unto
you, if ye do not any of these things, behold your prayer is vain, and
availeth you nothing, and ye are as hypocrites who do deny the faith.


    Can we look and see that our Faith is made alive by our works
(James 2)?  Are we made manifest as the children of God who honor their
Father?


1 John 3:10-11

    In this the children of God are manifest, and the children
of the devil:  whosoever doeth not righteousness is not of God,
neither he that loveth not his brother.

    For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning,
that we should love one another.


TO REPEAT


    For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we
should love one another.


1 John 4:7-8

    Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God; and
every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.

    He that loveth not, knoweth not God; for God is love.


    We are the children of he whom we honor and obey.  If we love one
another, in word, in thought and in deed, then we are the children of God.


    By honoring our Father in Heaven, by being born again in Christ and
then feasting on the fruit of the love of God, we become heirs of
salvation (cf I Nephi 8:10-35; 15:36).


St. Luke 6:35

    But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend hoping for
nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be
the children of the Highest: for he is kind ***


If we do this, then


Romans 8: 16-17

    The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that
we are the children of God:

    And if children, then heirs; heirs of God and joint-heirs
with Christ;


    Brothers and Sisters, we must seek to honor God and to love our
fellowmen.  In our patience, our thoughts, our kindness and our love,
as we are of one mind, having compassion one of another, being tender-
hearted, courteous, seeking peace (cf 1 Peter 3: 8-11) we sanctify the
Lord in our hearts, (vs 15) and our hearts in the Lord, (1 Peter 4:8)
and through our charity prevent or cure a multitude of sins.


    Without love, we have no faith and our hope is vain (Moroni 7:44). 
But inasmuch as we are meek, suffereth long, and are filled with the
power of God through the Holy Ghost, we will have love, and it will
be well with us in the last day (Moroni 7:44-47).


Moroni 7:48

    Wherefore, my beloved [brothers and sisters], pray unto
[our] Father with all energy of heart, that ye may be filled
with this love, which [God] hath bestowed upon all who are true
followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the
[children] of God *** that we may have this hope, that we may
be purified even as he is pure,


    This is my hope, my prayer and my testimony,


    In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Rhadi Ferguson

Rhadi Ferguson is an interesting topic. If U.S. Judo were going to adopt a "best practices" approach model based on Cuba, Rhadi would be the person to do it. He has taken the rules a football or wrestling coach uses to find success and applied them to Judo.

SWOT analysis, scouting (where would football be without scouting?), tactical and strategic analysis, curriculum and development training, and more, he actually can articulate and transfer it, not just have an intuitive understanding. He started by just telling his story (in The Grind), but expanded by developing the ability to relate each of the parts of what he did to make it to the Olympics.

He now has material on grip fighting, conditioning, strength training, scouting, development, etc. He has also coached a number of people who have competed in the Olympics (not only in Judo, but other sports as well) and is currently coaching the national team in the Bahamas.

But I thought I would write about one of his items of advice that I like the least -- and where, of course, he is right. That is about training at 5:30 a.m.

If you are a guy, not using steroids ("gear"), your natural levels of testosterone are highest at that time of day and you will get the best strength results and best recovery by training when levels are highest. I suspect it is how Rhadi got so strong without using drugs.

If you want to lose weight, your insulin/fat cycle/weight loss results will be best with aerobic exercise in the early morning, fasting (i.e. before you eat anything). Ever wonder about the drug free female fitness competitors? How do they build muscle and shred down to what looks like zero body fat? They all use early morning fasting aerobic exercise.

So, assuming you want to effectively build strength and drop fat without drugs, getting up and out and at it at 5:00 or 5:30 a.m. every day is an essential at some point. You should be lifting, sprinting and training that early five or six days a week. When I did 5:30 a.m. karate in law school and then after Courtney died, both times I lost weight as long as the practices kept up at that time.

There are other good reasons to follow his advice, but the bottom line physiologic facts pretty much are what they are.

When you think about that, ask yourself, how many coaches or instructors are there who insist that any serious athlete hit a 5:30 a.m. work out? Seems like every elite swimming coach does. Surprisingly, a number of elite skaters just happen to work out then. Every national level drug free fitness athlete. Interesting, isn't it?

How many Judo competitors follow Rhadi's 5:30 a.m. advice? Ever wonder why Jimmy Pedro is running at early a.m. hours and is still as trim and thin as when he competed. Think about it.

I'll be back on my normal topics next post, I just had about all of the debates I could take. Bangs in the eyes or really bad cosmetic surgery. I'm not sure I want to have to take a choice between the two right now, though they are picking up and doing better as the night goes on.

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Update. I've changed up my personal website material on Judo and added three essays on Rhadi Ferguson and I've actually spoken with him a couple of times. I'm outside of his market (I'm a 52 year old attorney with bad rotator cuffs), but I find I really admire him. I've bought some of his material and sent it to nephews of mine, and I've learned some things that had nothing to do with Judo.

One interesting thing is that he does not hesitate to use examples of himself doing poorly to illustrate a point. Comparing the video of him in The Experience to where he got at a later state (he barely missed being on the Olympic team that go around, four years later he made it) shows just what a difference his adjustments made. Much of what he is trying to communicate is how he adjusted and how he changed, to encourage others to apply those lessons in their lives.

Which is why I've found the materials good for relatives who probably will never practice Judo. They will practice and will live life.

Final note, I've decided to open comments on this post in case anyone has something to add or say on the topic of Rhadi.

What do you want your children to learn?

Some good advice about not pampering your kids, and why someone makes her kid compete in Judo. Dr. De Mars says:

As an instructor, you cannot promise those experiences for every student. What you can promise is that all of those who make a commitment will gain in strength, courage, tolerance and perseverance. And that will last your child a whole lot longer than an American Girl doll or a Nintendo DS.

She then explains what she wants her daughter to learn:

1. She learns that hard work is correlated to getting what you want


2. She learns to deal with failure.


3. I learn to deal with her failure. That is a lesson a lot of yuppie parents find hard to accept.


4. She learns to overcome her fears.

Well worth clicking on the link and reading.

What do you want your children to learn, what do you tell them?

(I always told my kids that I wanted them to love others, tell the truth and work hard).

Advice from my wife

I thought I'd quote some more advice from my wife (her name is Winifred and she goes by Win).

Dear [name redacted]: I remember feeling like I could no longer stand to breath any more. I went into my room, and laid down on the bed. I just wanted to give up and die. I couldn't quit breathing. My body just kept taking the next breath. After a while, I looked around and noticed the dust on the dresser. I decided to get up and dust the dresser while I tried to figure out how to quit breathing.

I think grief is like that. You take a breath at a time, focusing on nothing else but how much you resent the fact that your own body keeps breathing. Eventually, you will find purpose again. Dusting a dresser, caring for a demanding child, paying a bill, are all activities that force us to become distracted from our grief. It is so hard to try to see those things as significant. They are significant .. especially the other people.

I used to ask myself: How would I treat my daughters if they were suddenly alive again? How would I show my love and gratitude for such a gift from God? Then I would make myself treat my living children, my husband, and my other relatives THAT way. That was hard to do. At first my actions were empty of feeling, eventually, the feelings returned. It took years.

The reality is that they could be taken from me at any time. We ALL die. Everyone of us. The only question is when and what relationships do we leave behind us. You want to be the kind of mother to your daughters that they will remember in love and kindness. They will give you grandsons and granddaughters, they will raise those children in the fashion in which they were taught. What lessons are you teaching them?

I don't of myself as being a strong person. I think I was so stupid that I didn't know when to quit. I just kept moving ... I didn't know how to stop. Now I look back and I see that I faked life emotionally. Eventually, I was able to integrate my emotions with my actions. Mostly. some I am still working on.

Grief is so hard. By kind to yourself, and then share the kindness.

There is a song line "You're everything I hoped for, You're everything I need" that replays itself to me as "more than I hoped for, better than I dreamed" when I think of my wife.

Peace,

Stephen

Advice from Win

My wife recently had the following to say to someone:

There are two stories that I want to share with you.

My daughter Courtney turned a year old just 2 weeks after my oldest daugthter died. I was not emotionally ready to celebrate anything, AND, at a year of age, Courtney would not know the difference. So .. No party. 11 months later, Courtney died. I still feel guilt that I never had a party for her.

When my oldest daughter was in the hospital and we found out that she was not going to live, a friend stopped by. She had lost a son at the age of 4. She made a statement that has stuck with me. She said, " You are going to have to decide how much else you are willing to lose." I gave her a confused look. She continued, " When you lose a child, it is all too easy to make that loss your focus. If you do that, you will lose other things also. You will lose your marriage, your other children, your job, your friends. Everything else will be gone. You have to decide how much more you willing to lose."

"How much more am I willing to lose?" That became the statement that I would repeat to myself in my head. That statement made me get up and do things with my other children. It made me focus on my marriage, it made me try to interact with other people.

Your son's death had nothing to do with goodness and evil, wrong or right. You did nothing to "earn" or "deserve"
this tragedy im your life. Horrible things happen in this life. I don' think we really notice all the tragedy in this world until we are personally involved. Grief opens our eyes and our hearts to different emotions. I think it connects us-- as individuals to the rest of humanity.

It is hard to breath somedays while learning to handle loss. Work on it. Make yourself breath, and walk, and care. Claim your life, make yourself love again. You will lose too much if you don't force yourself to move forward. Take the memories of your son, think of all the things you would do with him if he was still here, and do those things with your other children. You don't know what your future holds .. Love them while you can.

Take your grief, hold it tightly, don't let it go, but keep moving forward. I know that you can do it.

Social Proof

In our hotel experiment, we considered the finding that the majority of hotel guests who encounter the towel reuse signs do actually recycle their towels at least some time during their stay. What if we simply informed guests of this fact? Would it have any influence on their participation in the conservation program relative to the participation rates that a basic environmental appeal yields? With the cooperation of a hotel manager, two of us and another colleague created two signs and placed them in hotel rooms. One was designed to reflect the type of basic environmental-protection message adopted throughout much of the hotel industry. It asked the guests to help save the environment and to show their respect for nature by participating in the program. A second sign used the social proof information by informing guests that the majority of guests at the hotel recycled their towels at least once during the course of their stay. These signs were randomly assigned to the rooms in the hotel.

Social proof is very important, as this particular experiment shows. The bottom line at that link? "That’s a 26 percent increase in participation relative to the industry standard, which we achieved simply by changing a few words on the sign to convey what others were doing. Not a bad improvement for a factor that people say has no influence on them at all."

I got a link to that study, and to some great video, from http://mormonmd.wordpress.com/2008/09/22/points-of-interest-31-2/ -- I'd have left a comment there if the blog allowed it, just to say thanks.

Social Proof is very important and so often overlooked as a persuasive tool, a verifier and a validation.

Never forget that lesson when considering what you are doing, why you are doing it or what you want others to do.

On the Wrathful

The verbal root of this word is אלף (A.L.Ph, Strong's #502) and means "learn," but more literally, to learn through association, as can be seen in the following verse.

Make no friendship with a man that is given to anger; And with a wrathful man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn this ways, And get a snare to thy soul. (ASV, Proverbs 22:25)

From http://kolobiv.blogspot.com/2008/09/sampling-school-of-prophets.html

So much anger and wrath is learned from the wrathful and angry. The Bible has a great deal of good to warn us against when it warns us not to learn from them. The entire ADR movement is really a movement towards being peacemakers and away from wrath.

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As an aside, I once was in a class where the instructor asked us what was the greatest revenge we could seek. A friend of mine answered that it was to let people remain in their ignorance so that they did not repent or change, but remained essentially damned by their lack of knowledge. Being wrathful does that to people, it blocks self-knowledge and the ability to change.

Class in America

Class in America is a topic that varies between the banned and the denied. I hadn't thought much on the subject until I started reading some of the stories and commentary at In the Shadow of Mt. Hollywood a blog that follows the stories that wrap in and out of the life of an English major who goes to Dartmouth and becomes a technical writer and computer programmer.

He is constantly dealing with managers who supervise him not because of their skill, but because they have mastered the right status or class markers. It is a kind of an Innocents Abroad set in modern America and the computer industry.

That led me to start paying more attention to class issues as they intersect reality. For example, A Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby K. Payne explains why micro loans work, micro grants are a terrible failure. In the target class, money you've borrowed is yours. Money that is a windfall belongs to your community and you can't keep it for investment or yourself. Payne's goal is to teach educators what they need to know to understand and interact with various parts of the class system, and the difficulties that are especially faced by those at the bottom. Interestingly enough, in her conclusion she comments that an untouched topic is "the need to grieve and go through the grieving process as one teaches or works with the poor."

Important if you work with communities or conduct facilitation that involves the poor.

Less friendly, (well, a downright snark) is Class: A Guide Through the American Status System. it is a University of Pennsylvania Professor's re-write (in some ways) of Molloy's Dress for Success (which, amazingly, shares the same customers as Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4)) and Live for Success -- a book that has actually helped a number of people make breakthroughs in their careers.

I think that it is really too bad that schools function by teaching class issues by osmosis, at best. Too often, a lack of understanding, of knowledge and of perspective creates people as lost as John Bruce's innocents (and not so innocents) that he describes at his blog, In the Shadow of Mt. Hollywood.

And too often those who desire to be mediators, facilitators or just to help, are blocked in their efforts by not having the knowledge and perspective that would come from understanding class.

If you are politically involved, if you volunteer at a charity, if you have a career, reading Molloy, and Payne really should have been a part of your preparation, of the essential skills that you should have been provided. In fact, if I were redoing the syllabus for my Essential Skills class I would note only have made the change to The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense at Work (since the book I prefer is out of print -- though Elgin has a new book due out next year that may be better, only she and her editor know for sure right now), but I would have added A Framework for Understanding Poverty to the mix. Perhaps if I start teaching again.

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Well, just visited http://www.pointmediation.com/

Includes social cues and recommendations, something that has been fading for a while, and something I think is important -- because consumers find it important.

Wish him well.

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Also, http://www.kobreguide.com/topic/Law is well worth visiting. Quality documentaries, for free download.

So, you are thinking of a Facilitation Initiative?

Generally, a Business's Initiative should:

• Clearly communicate values (those who attend should be able to state three values);
  
• Leave three takeaway tangible things that can be done (those who participate should be able to name three measurable things they should do);
• Should not espouse goals or values inconsistent with actual management practices;
• Should not raise expectations that will not be reached/Should not create a basis for dissatisfaction;
• Should establish a clear metaphor.

E.g. many S. Covey based initiatives want employees to gain the values promoted while management is not transparent and does not espouse the values in action. I like

Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box so much because it focuses on the fact that so many approaches are really just self deception.

E.g. I've a friend who is a recruiter and one of his favorite recruiting grounds is companies that make promises in their initiatives that they do not deliver on.

E.g. Never mock your own processes.

Some thoughts.

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