Saturday, August 20, 2005

One of the hardest things to do is to survive benchmarks, as one child approaches them, or as another passes them, and those who have died echo. Having our youngest start school was so stressful, especially as she talked about being baptized. Jessica was talking more and more about baptism, just before she became ill. She was never old enough to be baptized in our faith (ignoring, for a moment, the kindness of Catholic nurses in their own ways). She would be in college now, and all of her friends (except one) have gotten married in the last year or so. Tried to attend a wedding, but it was like running into a wall, I just could not.

On the other hand, Heather is rifle team commander this year, and should earn her forth letter in rifle team, something that is hers alone.

As for the weddings, we send gifts, we think, we go forward. Life moves on around us and with us.


annegb said...

I know what you mean, Stephen. I sort of count time BJ and AJ, before James died and after James died. I'll be talking to my friends about something and say, "no, James was alive then, so it had to be fifteen years ago, um, that makes it 1990."

My oldest son would be 34, I find myself startled when I realize some of my young friends, many who are more mature than me, are his age.

Just this year, I've started to see my younger son, James, smiling and happy. A boy across the street, the younger brother of James' best friend, got married and I could picture my son smiling and kidding him.

But, like you, I note these passages. The graduations, the jobs, the children. I think what a wonderful man he would have been. Davey, my older child, was only two years old, and he will forever be two in my mind, but James, I see his friends all the time, marrying, having kids, and buying new homes. So I can picture it.

I can, just this year, feel the joy my son feels for his friends. What a gift God has given me, huh? Because I felt despair for so long.

Or maybe it's the new anti-depressants. :)

My friend's daughter died a few years ago, she was a twin. Boy, that has been hard, watching the other twin graduate and get married and now expecting. I know harder for her mother, but we all feel the twinge nevertheless. We are very close in this little neighborhood.

So I know from what you're talking about. God bless.

Anonymous said...

It was really hard and weird for me when I turned 32. Because that's how old my sister was when she died. My brother died when he was 34; I'm 35 now.

Lisa M. said...

My oldest,daughter was a twin. Her brother (Adam) was still born. Never do I see her with out him. As she grows and developes and shines, I constantly think of him. Sometimes I swear I can see him in her eyes, even though I didn't know him in this life. She is such a tom boy. I have always wondered if she is living life for the both of them.

In 1991, my nephews came to live with me. Though they were only four and two when their mother was gone, their movements, mannerisms, speech and essence is reflected in almost everything they do. I miss my sister with an almost physical ache at times. They are constant reminders of her light.

Aurora would have been 12 this year. Young Womens, girls camp, life changing experiences. I can't think of her, for the pain it causes. I still can't concieve of it. A memory, a blur, something that happened to someone else. I don't talk about her very often. Only my oldest of friends knew her. They are polite enough not to ask.

Someday... I think... I will process it all.

Redstone said...


I noticed your comment about Heather being a rifle commander. If she is interested in ROTC in college, then send me a note to and I can give you some good info.