I blog at several places, for different reasons at each place, as well as owning a four letter domain that runs about twelve thousand hits a day. A check at sitemeter shows that this blog gets probably 120 hits or less a day. My primary topic, grief and relationship issues, also draws the fewest hits and some of the nastiest trolling.
It is tempting to slide off to other topics. Posting on the Shangri-la diet will double visitors or more. Certain kinds of posts will do the same thing. But I'm most likely to get e-mails or feedback that I've helped others who have suffered grief, especially the loss of a child, from the grief related posts.
I started the precursor to this blog (before there were blogs) as an on-line journal so people who knew me and wanted updates had some place to go. It gave me a measure of control. When that wasn't necessary, I was going to stop writing, and that resulted from contacts from people who were places I had been and found it helpful (like I had found it helpful) to read someone else's experience and comments.
So I kept writing.
I found that the religion posts, which I enjoy, drew page views and attention (and one even made a "best of" competition), but most parents who have lost children don't seem to want a religion specific theology discussion. So I scaled back on those and then was lucky enough to find a place to group blog on various matters.
As for my lame pet troll (I've got only one)? So jejune. A thin and insipid coward, he reminds me to try to do better. While he tempts me to leave his posts up because they draw attention and sympathy, but I don't need that, it is only a distraction.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Remembering Jessica
Jessica (February 12, 1986 to January 26, 1993)
When my daughter Jessica was little she used to need to be told stories to help her go to sleep. Later, even when she did not need the stories, she liked to listen to her two favorite stories. I will share them with you now.
Once upon a time there was a house with four windows and four doors. The first window looked out on the mountains. The second window looked out on the forest and the trees. The third window looked out on the sea and on the beach and the fourth window looked out on the highway that went South into the city. This is the story of the house with four windows and four doors.
There was a man who went on a mission. When he was twenty, he met two people who had a beautiful three year old girl. He decided that he had to get married and have a girl of his very own. After years and years he finally was married. A year and a month after the wedding he had a daughter and named her Jessica. After three years she was the most beautiful three year old in the world. This is the story of your Daddy and the daughter he always wanted.
I confess, I miss her still.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Friday February 1 2008
DOCUMENTARIES | # of tickets |
Nobody Knows: The Untold Story of Black Mormons
Margaret B. Young & Darius A. Gray
This film exposes the continuous presence of African-Americans in the Latter Day Saints. The archival photographs and never released footage shot in 1968 make this film simply amazing. Includes interviews with Martin Luther King, III.
(Running Time 73 min)
A good reason to find a way to get off of work early.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Being afraid of happiness
This post is about things that are natural and a part of recovery from grief, but just because something is natural doesn't mean it is necessarily pleasant, rational or easy.
There are two emotions that are overwhelmingly irrational, yet inescapable for many. The first is guilt, both over the event that creates grief and then at any time afterwards that one has happiness. Guilt, for me, is self indulgent behavior, like self pity, that I have discarded (it isn't for others, and can be a terrible burden). But while I have been able to discard guilt, especially since I have felt responsible for helping others in my family in recovery, fear has dogged me.
Fear is the second inescapable emotion. It stalks me at times.
Strangely, what triggers my fear and causes dread is happiness and success.
I have always been terribly content with many things. While I never lived up to Eugene Jacobs' hopes for me (he always felt that he and the school had let me down, I always felt that I had failed him by failing to find the kind of traction necessary to do the things he felt I could do, I mourn his passing), I have met many of the goals those I knew growing up had for me. I was just a poor kid in a trailer park with crippling levels of ADD. I have beautiful children, a wonderful wife and a polydactyl cat. I enjoy my job a great deal, I enjoy what I do with my life.
The last time I was content like this is when my life fell apart. I had finally gotten "over the hump" (so to speak) in getting my practice going. I had money in the bank, three wonderful children (sadly I've never gotten above two alive at any one time since then), a wife who was unbelievably wonderful and a community I loved (I still have fond feelings for Wichita Falls, I just can't bear to live there any more). I was publishing and thinking. I was really happy.
Now, many things are going well in my life again. I wake up happy to see my wife sleeping next to me. I'm not teaching anything other than at Church right now, but I'm reading and studying (things that would probably seem boring to most people, but I'm getting a much broader background for applied legal ethics, refreshing things I know or knew, filling in holes in my knowledge, updating myself on some economics developments and enjoying it). I've participated in some ethics seminars and expect that I will eventually write again, I can't help myself.
Physically, I'm in better shape than I've been in a very long time. I weigh less than I did before Jessica died. That was a very long time ago. I can feel my emotions, ones I've hidden from for a very long time and they are mostly joy. But I have an irrational connection between this emotional state and the five years that followed the last time I had it.
I know that what I am feeling is natural and a part of recovery. That helps. People who have been through trauma and loss often find that when life starts to become sweet again, when they have things that they enjoy and value, then they start to feel a fear that those things will be taken away. The fear isn't crippling and it isn't constant. I'm lucky that way.
But I'm ready for it to be gone, to be past the middle of February and into Spring again, with hope and life in the air and surrounding me.
I know it could be much worse, I could have a life without things I value and would fear to lose. I could be going through this not knowing it is a normal part of the journey of recovery from grief, not knowing that it will transition, that it is another step in healing.
So I face my fears, I read my little girl bed time stories, make sure she has brushed her teeth and practiced her piano, help her with her prayers, tuck her in at night and am grateful for my fears.
There are two emotions that are overwhelmingly irrational, yet inescapable for many. The first is guilt, both over the event that creates grief and then at any time afterwards that one has happiness. Guilt, for me, is self indulgent behavior, like self pity, that I have discarded (it isn't for others, and can be a terrible burden). But while I have been able to discard guilt, especially since I have felt responsible for helping others in my family in recovery, fear has dogged me.
Fear is the second inescapable emotion. It stalks me at times.
Strangely, what triggers my fear and causes dread is happiness and success.
I have always been terribly content with many things. While I never lived up to Eugene Jacobs' hopes for me (he always felt that he and the school had let me down, I always felt that I had failed him by failing to find the kind of traction necessary to do the things he felt I could do, I mourn his passing), I have met many of the goals those I knew growing up had for me. I was just a poor kid in a trailer park with crippling levels of ADD. I have beautiful children, a wonderful wife and a polydactyl cat. I enjoy my job a great deal, I enjoy what I do with my life.
The last time I was content like this is when my life fell apart. I had finally gotten "over the hump" (so to speak) in getting my practice going. I had money in the bank, three wonderful children (sadly I've never gotten above two alive at any one time since then), a wife who was unbelievably wonderful and a community I loved (I still have fond feelings for Wichita Falls, I just can't bear to live there any more). I was publishing and thinking. I was really happy.
Now, many things are going well in my life again. I wake up happy to see my wife sleeping next to me. I'm not teaching anything other than at Church right now, but I'm reading and studying (things that would probably seem boring to most people, but I'm getting a much broader background for applied legal ethics, refreshing things I know or knew, filling in holes in my knowledge, updating myself on some economics developments and enjoying it). I've participated in some ethics seminars and expect that I will eventually write again, I can't help myself.
Physically, I'm in better shape than I've been in a very long time. I weigh less than I did before Jessica died. That was a very long time ago. I can feel my emotions, ones I've hidden from for a very long time and they are mostly joy. But I have an irrational connection between this emotional state and the five years that followed the last time I had it.
I know that what I am feeling is natural and a part of recovery. That helps. People who have been through trauma and loss often find that when life starts to become sweet again, when they have things that they enjoy and value, then they start to feel a fear that those things will be taken away. The fear isn't crippling and it isn't constant. I'm lucky that way.
But I'm ready for it to be gone, to be past the middle of February and into Spring again, with hope and life in the air and surrounding me.
I know it could be much worse, I could have a life without things I value and would fear to lose. I could be going through this not knowing it is a normal part of the journey of recovery from grief, not knowing that it will transition, that it is another step in healing.
So I face my fears, I read my little girl bed time stories, make sure she has brushed her teeth and practiced her piano, help her with her prayers, tuck her in at night and am grateful for my fears.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Quick Notes, Off Topic/FIOS Internet
Best line in a blog "No Moussaka, No Peace"
Reminds me of a restaurant that wouldn't serve my brother Mark moussaka (remember, he is half Greek and he grew up on my mother's cooking, including her moussaka) claiming he wouldn't like it -- until he came in with my nephew Ben, who looks more Greek than Mark does (Mark Alexander -- come on, how more Greek can you get?), then they served him.
CompUSA is going out of business. 8 GB Ipod Nanos selling for $160 at the local one (my wife just bought me one for our anniversary). Sad to see them go (TigerDirect bought the trademark and the web site), but there are some interesting sales as they clear out all the inventory.
Interesting links around the blogs
I don't know if anyone else has had problems like that.
I'd also note that if you use the database, it doesn't have any answers, if you use the mail it is hooked up to an AI or an help desk that is staffed by illiterates (they suggested that I check out on-line gaming in response to my questions) and the "call us" sends me to a diagnostics routine that hangs in firefox and causes IE 6 to suffer a runtime error and close.
It is fast, I can get BYU TV, but I do hope that they get the reliability for the rest of the package up. Over six months it has gone from 90% available (which isn't good) to about 60%. At least I rarely get home phone calls anymore, FIOS phone service being out so often kind of took care of that. Makes me glad of my cell phone.
Last comment. If you have the required wireless home network, all of the database and other "help" materials refers you to D-Link, none of it to the Actiontec MI424WR. Actiontec doesn't have a database, they want a $39.00 service call and the internal link to http://192.168.1.1/ corrupts any saved passwords (if you use a service such as Firefox provides). Luckily, the WEP key for each server is printed on the bottom, so if the service call installed the box, changed the password, saved it after changing the WEP key and you want to add an additional system to your network, while the tutorials, etc. on the FIOS site will leave you stranded, just reset the box and use the WEP key on the bottom for everything.
I don't know how hard that would have been to put that on the help database at the FIOS site. Or why they actually made me disconnect all my D-Link equipment that I had when I switched over.
Just FYI.
Reminds me of a restaurant that wouldn't serve my brother Mark moussaka (remember, he is half Greek and he grew up on my mother's cooking, including her moussaka) claiming he wouldn't like it -- until he came in with my nephew Ben, who looks more Greek than Mark does (Mark Alexander -- come on, how more Greek can you get?), then they served him.
CompUSA is going out of business. 8 GB Ipod Nanos selling for $160 at the local one (my wife just bought me one for our anniversary). Sad to see them go (TigerDirect bought the trademark and the web site), but there are some interesting sales as they clear out all the inventory.
Interesting links around the blogs
- http://hungryforamonth.blogspot.com/2006_11_01_hungryforamonth_archive.html
- Interview with Gary Taubes (part 12)
- Pain and the Purpose of Life
- Eggs are Good for You
I don't know if anyone else has had problems like that.
I'd also note that if you use the database, it doesn't have any answers, if you use the mail it is hooked up to an AI or an help desk that is staffed by illiterates (they suggested that I check out on-line gaming in response to my questions) and the "call us" sends me to a diagnostics routine that hangs in firefox and causes IE 6 to suffer a runtime error and close.
It is fast, I can get BYU TV, but I do hope that they get the reliability for the rest of the package up. Over six months it has gone from 90% available (which isn't good) to about 60%. At least I rarely get home phone calls anymore, FIOS phone service being out so often kind of took care of that. Makes me glad of my cell phone.
Last comment. If you have the required wireless home network, all of the database and other "help" materials refers you to D-Link, none of it to the Actiontec MI424WR. Actiontec doesn't have a database, they want a $39.00 service call and the internal link to http://192.168.1.1/ corrupts any saved passwords (if you use a service such as Firefox provides). Luckily, the WEP key for each server is printed on the bottom, so if the service call installed the box, changed the password, saved it after changing the WEP key and you want to add an additional system to your network, while the tutorials, etc. on the FIOS site will leave you stranded, just reset the box and use the WEP key on the bottom for everything.
I don't know how hard that would have been to put that on the help database at the FIOS site. Or why they actually made me disconnect all my D-Link equipment that I had when I switched over.
Just FYI.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Now she has a life chosen for her by a high-school kid.
That is an amazing line in an essay about employment, professions and life choices, about how the decisions we make in high school often guide us through to where we are in middle age, and leave us without choices we find palatable.
http://www.paulgraham.com/love.html
Myself, I like law. I came in from vacation to spend half a day on a case that will resolve with a 12b motion as soon as the co-Defendant removes it to federal court. (This will make one a year for a couple years in a row now).
Some other things that I love, I've let go. I really liked Shotokan, but I could never see it as a way to earn a living or support a family. I'm not a bad game designer, but is it really the path I should take?
For a time I was a successful country lawyer, coming home every day for lunch, windsurfing every evening with my girls, in what was an Indian Summer dream. Too many deaths took that away, just like it took some other options away from me, at least for a time. Now I litigate, and find it satisfying and mentally challenging.
Since then, I've done other things, like teach post-graduate students in advanced classes. That was fun, but scarcely reality.
My wife has found a profession she enjoys as well, one that suits her and doesn't do violence to her personality.
Would I change things? I'm not sure, I decided not to keep current enough that game design would be a temptation, after a close brush with returning to it. I still teach a little here and there and keep thinking, though I write so much as a part of work I'm not doing much writing on the side any more.
I don't know. As I emerge from the dark night of the soul I entered as my children started dying, I'm not sure what to do with the light.
BTW, at law and letters, there is a post on what to do to find yourself before that high school kid determines your life. Paul Gowder suggests taking a year to work after you get your bachelors and before you start law school, spending the time as a paralegal or clerk/typist in an area of law you think you would like to work in (or as an executive secretary or similar worker in any other post graduate area) and a year to explore something(s) else.
I'd suggest that while you are an undergraduate is the time you should explore. I had friends who learned to fly, one who became a golf pro (hi Jeff!), others who got brown belts in martial arts or qualified for nationals in Judo. I've friends who became paramedics or who learned other skills or explored other things. Knew a couple who decided not to become veterinarians when they realized they made more money and had more fun in their summer jobs than they would after a program that is harder to get into than medical school.
There are really three problem areas. The first is the one where you make a decision in high school and grind your way to the end, like the medical doctor in the one example or many lawyers in others. In that situation what you need to do is come up for air in order to get some perspective. Work a summer or a year as an anesthesia tech or as a paralegal and see if you like the work and the people.
The second is where you've picked a direction where you do what you love (and so have too many other people) but that pays less than your night job waiting tables. Medieval History comes to mind, or the philosophy students at programs outside the hiring belt (some programs place people in jobs, some don't). All the fourth class game designers I met over the years who couldn't quite get past aspiring to mary sue designs (sure, they loved what they did, the problem is no one else did) -- I guess the modern equivalent would be fan writers who are really, really bad but who love to write or tone deaf musicians.
Many people in these areas can find related areas. Learning to typeset, or run music boards as a sound engineer, or similar things that are similar to, but not quite the goal that would basically be just playing all day.
The third is where you enjoy your direction, but can't quite connect with the end goal. The kid with the MCAT of 6 I knew (I actually knew three, two got into medical schools on affirmative action). That is where people readjust -- before they find themselves as a microbiology graduate working in a sewage plant because they couldn't get into medical school and had no other direction (sewage plants hire applied microbiologists) except going to law school.
Though I do agree that focusing on money is much to much focusing on the wrong thing. It is why I enjoy my daughter's teachers in school, people who love what they do and who are worth loving in return.
http://www.paulgraham.com/love.html
Myself, I like law. I came in from vacation to spend half a day on a case that will resolve with a 12b motion as soon as the co-Defendant removes it to federal court. (This will make one a year for a couple years in a row now).
Some other things that I love, I've let go. I really liked Shotokan, but I could never see it as a way to earn a living or support a family. I'm not a bad game designer, but is it really the path I should take?
For a time I was a successful country lawyer, coming home every day for lunch, windsurfing every evening with my girls, in what was an Indian Summer dream. Too many deaths took that away, just like it took some other options away from me, at least for a time. Now I litigate, and find it satisfying and mentally challenging.
Since then, I've done other things, like teach post-graduate students in advanced classes. That was fun, but scarcely reality.
"In the design of lives, as in the design of most other things, you get better results if you use flexible media."
"Whichever route you take, expect a struggle."
My wife has found a profession she enjoys as well, one that suits her and doesn't do violence to her personality.
Would I change things? I'm not sure, I decided not to keep current enough that game design would be a temptation, after a close brush with returning to it. I still teach a little here and there and keep thinking, though I write so much as a part of work I'm not doing much writing on the side any more.
I don't know. As I emerge from the dark night of the soul I entered as my children started dying, I'm not sure what to do with the light.
BTW, at law and letters, there is a post on what to do to find yourself before that high school kid determines your life. Paul Gowder suggests taking a year to work after you get your bachelors and before you start law school, spending the time as a paralegal or clerk/typist in an area of law you think you would like to work in (or as an executive secretary or similar worker in any other post graduate area) and a year to explore something(s) else.
I'd suggest that while you are an undergraduate is the time you should explore. I had friends who learned to fly, one who became a golf pro (hi Jeff!), others who got brown belts in martial arts or qualified for nationals in Judo. I've friends who became paramedics or who learned other skills or explored other things. Knew a couple who decided not to become veterinarians when they realized they made more money and had more fun in their summer jobs than they would after a program that is harder to get into than medical school.
There are really three problem areas. The first is the one where you make a decision in high school and grind your way to the end, like the medical doctor in the one example or many lawyers in others. In that situation what you need to do is come up for air in order to get some perspective. Work a summer or a year as an anesthesia tech or as a paralegal and see if you like the work and the people.
The second is where you've picked a direction where you do what you love (and so have too many other people) but that pays less than your night job waiting tables. Medieval History comes to mind, or the philosophy students at programs outside the hiring belt (some programs place people in jobs, some don't). All the fourth class game designers I met over the years who couldn't quite get past aspiring to mary sue designs (sure, they loved what they did, the problem is no one else did) -- I guess the modern equivalent would be fan writers who are really, really bad but who love to write or tone deaf musicians.
Many people in these areas can find related areas. Learning to typeset, or run music boards as a sound engineer, or similar things that are similar to, but not quite the goal that would basically be just playing all day.
The third is where you enjoy your direction, but can't quite connect with the end goal. The kid with the MCAT of 6 I knew (I actually knew three, two got into medical schools on affirmative action). That is where people readjust -- before they find themselves as a microbiology graduate working in a sewage plant because they couldn't get into medical school and had no other direction (sewage plants hire applied microbiologists) except going to law school.
Though I do agree that focusing on money is much to much focusing on the wrong thing. It is why I enjoy my daughter's teachers in school, people who love what they do and who are worth loving in return.
The Persistence of Grief
On Television shows everyone gets over just about anything by next week, and usually within thirty minutes. Death, dismemberment, divorce, unemployment, they all resolve back to a happy face by the end of the current show. The hidden message is that life resolves just as quickly.
Of course it does not. After Jessica died my brother sent me a clip from a book where David Oman McKay's wife was talking to a relative, when she was in her eighties, about how the pain of her son's death was still with her.
At this time of year, as I go from Christmas through a couple days past Valentine's Day, the persistence of grief always comes to mind.
I think I have so much to write about it and then, suddenly almost, it is more than words can convey.
As I blog on religion at Mormon Matters, I expect that I will revert back, more and more, to reflection and life, writing more to those who know grief or who are in recovery (but, alas, never fully recovered) here. Two very different blogs, two very different topics.
A great quote, sent me by Suzette Haden Elgin
Of course it does not. After Jessica died my brother sent me a clip from a book where David Oman McKay's wife was talking to a relative, when she was in her eighties, about how the pain of her son's death was still with her.
At this time of year, as I go from Christmas through a couple days past Valentine's Day, the persistence of grief always comes to mind.
I think I have so much to write about it and then, suddenly almost, it is more than words can convey.
As I blog on religion at Mormon Matters, I expect that I will revert back, more and more, to reflection and life, writing more to those who know grief or who are in recovery (but, alas, never fully recovered) here. Two very different blogs, two very different topics.
Jews should be proselytizing about a God that you can quarrel with. Catholics should be proselytizing about a God who is love, who represents a hereafter where there's no hell, who wants you to lead a life where you can confess your sins and feel much better afterwards. Those are lovely concepts of God."
A great quote, sent me by Suzette Haden Elgin
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Off topic
I recently read Starlight 3 (Starlight) and it was terrible. "Science fiction" but mostly fantasy, the stories were mostly idea sketches rather than stories. E.g. "What if God is arbitrary and capricious and we are supposed to love him because he is the source of all pain, and what if the world were filled with the random visitations of angels" ... ok. Interesting idea, but not much story there (heck, not much of an idea either). Lots of that sort of sketch, a good reminder as to why I don't read many sf short story collections any more.
On the other hand, I have to compare it to Infinite Space, Infinite God which is moving. It is a collection of science fiction stories by Catholics, written with religion as a strong influence. But they are stories first. Some of them are very moving, some are very touching, but they are stories. The concept sketch gets out of the way on the title page and the rest of the volume is solid stories.
I very much enjoyed it and wish there was more fiction of that sort.
http://www.amazon.com/review/R24RAI4EGTRBUP/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm is my Amazon.com review.
Shifting gears, I've also been reading a fair amount of Carol Berg fiction. Even won one of her books in a contest. She writes about frail and believable people, often in difficult situations, often marred or broken by events, and how they are restored.
When you realize that Carol H. Berg and Carol Berg are probably different people the lack of graphic sex or violence in the books makes sense (CHB's book on amazon is an erotic tale and comes up when you search for CB. None of the Carol Berg books I've read have had sex or graphic violence in them).
I don't know if With Hearts Expanded is by her or not, but I could well believe she is the Carol Berg listed as an author. ("The continuing history of the Convent of the Sisters of the Order of St. Benedict at St. Joseph, Minnesota, from 1957 to the present. Includes some history of the College of St. Benedict, as well.").
I expect some great things from her as she gets her footing.
Finally, like everyone else in the bloggernacle I've read Elantris by Sanderson and enjoyed it. Should be interesting to see what he does with The Wheel of Time.
Ok, enough of this, I'll be back to regular posts shortly.
On the other hand, I have to compare it to Infinite Space, Infinite God which is moving. It is a collection of science fiction stories by Catholics, written with religion as a strong influence. But they are stories first. Some of them are very moving, some are very touching, but they are stories. The concept sketch gets out of the way on the title page and the rest of the volume is solid stories.
| |  |
I very much enjoyed it and wish there was more fiction of that sort.
http://www.amazon.com/review/R24RAI4EGTRBUP/ref=cm_cr_rdp_perm is my Amazon.com review.
Shifting gears, I've also been reading a fair amount of Carol Berg fiction. Even won one of her books in a contest. She writes about frail and believable people, often in difficult situations, often marred or broken by events, and how they are restored.
When you realize that Carol H. Berg and Carol Berg are probably different people the lack of graphic sex or violence in the books makes sense (CHB's book on amazon is an erotic tale and comes up when you search for CB. None of the Carol Berg books I've read have had sex or graphic violence in them).
I don't know if With Hearts Expanded is by her or not, but I could well believe she is the Carol Berg listed as an author. ("The continuing history of the Convent of the Sisters of the Order of St. Benedict at St. Joseph, Minnesota, from 1957 to the present. Includes some history of the College of St. Benedict, as well.").
I expect some great things from her as she gets her footing.
Finally, like everyone else in the bloggernacle I've read Elantris by Sanderson and enjoyed it. Should be interesting to see what he does with The Wheel of Time.
Ok, enough of this, I'll be back to regular posts shortly.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Do the humanities ennoble/Mormon Matters
Do the humanities ennoble?
...
If it were true, the most generous, patient, good-hearted and honest people on earth would be the members of literature and philosophy departments ...
That got me thinking, but not the same direction as the various articles and commentaries on that editorial.
Instead, what does ennoble, what makes people patient, good-hearted, honest and generous?
I think it is service and action, rather than study, but I'm looking for input about what caused people to be the kind of people they are happy to be.
BTW, I've accepted an invitation to start blogging on religion at http://mormonmatters.org/
"must have a deep and abiding love" and "All discussion must be respectful ..."
I've finished my first two posts (I'm committed to weekly posts) and have outlines a couple-three more solidly. Now I just have to learn how to upload them to the format there. If I do well, I'll graduate from permanent guest to permanent group blogger.
This blog will go back to more relationship/grief/life posts.
BTW, a great book that teaches people things they wish they had known:
The Grandmother Principles
by Suzette Haden Elgin
My own mother thinks of it as the best book for how to be a grandmother that she has ever seen (well, the only one, but she loves the book).
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Honest Kindness
This was the High Priest's message part of our ward's newsletter for January, 2008
One of the challenges of attempting to be like Christ is to find touchstones or guidance that works in day-to-day life. In finding specifics, I had it suggested to me that whenever I wondered if I was being Christlike, I should ask myself if I was being honest and if I was being kind.
Rather than general terms, I was told to ask myself if I was being gentle, pleasant and truthful. If I had doubts about the answer being yes, I needed to rethink what I was doing. If the answer made me feel angry, annoyed or resentful, I really needed to rethink what I was about to do.
I've just begun to try using the test, but it seems to guide me towards being more like Christ whenever I look to see if what I am doing is honest and kind and when if I ask the questions of myself about whether I am being honest and kind I feel good about myself rather than feeling hard thoughts about others.
May the new year help each of us find the grace and guidance that God has for us.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Baptism this Saturday, small miracles.
Rachel is getting baptized this Saturday.
It has been a long time since we've had a child live long enough to be baptized. Kind of like her last milestone before we can go back to trying to live normally.
Strange how there are such hidden things in our lives, with such meaning.
In grief there are two kinds of milestones involving children, both hard to understand.
As Jessica's friends were baptized, had bat mitzvahs, went to college, got married and went through other life stages, there was such bitter-sweet sorrow in her not being there, not doing the same things. At the same time, there is comfort in the fact that life is going on and such joy to see her friends doing well. By all means I was much happier to see the events than if I had missed them.
The other is as children reach the ages that siblings died at, it is as if a heavy weight is lifted each time. Jessica so wanted to be baptized. To see Rachel go through that event was so sweet, as if she had finally begun to live, while at the same time it was one of the first kind of milestones as well.
Life is so many small miracles, so much joy, so much perspective. I am glad of it.
It has been a long time since we've had a child live long enough to be baptized. Kind of like her last milestone before we can go back to trying to live normally.
Strange how there are such hidden things in our lives, with such meaning.
In grief there are two kinds of milestones involving children, both hard to understand.
As Jessica's friends were baptized, had bat mitzvahs, went to college, got married and went through other life stages, there was such bitter-sweet sorrow in her not being there, not doing the same things. At the same time, there is comfort in the fact that life is going on and such joy to see her friends doing well. By all means I was much happier to see the events than if I had missed them.
The other is as children reach the ages that siblings died at, it is as if a heavy weight is lifted each time. Jessica so wanted to be baptized. To see Rachel go through that event was so sweet, as if she had finally begun to live, while at the same time it was one of the first kind of milestones as well.
Life is so many small miracles, so much joy, so much perspective. I am glad of it.
Friday, December 28, 2007
49° North
49° North was an interesting experience. We were talked into going skiing, the first time for Heather and Rachel, my first lessons and Win's first skiing in some time.
Texans are friendly, but the people at 49° North were just delightful. The lessons were great, by the third day they had us skiing in blue and green runs (though Win did one black diamond on her second day with her lessons).
For about a hundred dollars we got three days of skiing, equipment rentals and lessons. The group lessons had 2-3 students in a group and one or two instructors per group.
The people were just so very nice. Short lines (the only crowds were looking for tables in the lodge -- but lots of people just brought their own food, we did after the first day, though we bought drinks and hot chocolate all three days).
A great Christmas present. I'm not sure how long the place will stay so uncrowded, it is only fifty minutes north of Spokane, everything from beginner slopes to double black diamonds and the nicest people I've met in a long time. People that genuinely pleasant heal the soul.
Rachel wants to go skiing every day now (we had to explain to her that there isn't skiing in Dallas, just like we don't have snow like this). I don't blame her. The people who taught her lessons were as kind and friendly as the people who taught ours.
Texans are friendly, but the people at 49° North were just delightful. The lessons were great, by the third day they had us skiing in blue and green runs (though Win did one black diamond on her second day with her lessons).
For about a hundred dollars we got three days of skiing, equipment rentals and lessons. The group lessons had 2-3 students in a group and one or two instructors per group.
The people were just so very nice. Short lines (the only crowds were looking for tables in the lodge -- but lots of people just brought their own food, we did after the first day, though we bought drinks and hot chocolate all three days).
A great Christmas present. I'm not sure how long the place will stay so uncrowded, it is only fifty minutes north of Spokane, everything from beginner slopes to double black diamonds and the nicest people I've met in a long time. People that genuinely pleasant heal the soul.
Rachel wants to go skiing every day now (we had to explain to her that there isn't skiing in Dallas, just like we don't have snow like this). I don't blame her. The people who taught her lessons were as kind and friendly as the people who taught ours.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Courtney (February 16, 1992 to December 26, 1993)
Courtney (February 16, 1992 to December 26, 1993), I thought of you today, so very much, and so wish I could have had you here to share this day.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Some interesting links // a story
- Ten Foods You Should Eat
- Waterboarding and Self-Experimentation
- Paul, the Jewish Theologian
- Gary Taubes on the Religious Nature of Obesity Research
Suggest some interesting links in the comments.
My mother-in-law tells the story of when she gave a class on candy making. One of the sisters asked her for private lessons, so she went to the sister's house and they made candy together, very successfully.
At church the sister cornered her to tell her that the recipe did not work well.
"Did you use two cups of sugar?"
"No, I wanted fewer calories, so I used only one."
"Did you use a half cup of condensed milk?"
"No, I used skim milk instead, it is better for your health."
"Gee, no wonder the candy was bad, you did something, but it wasn't my recipe."
She told me that the incident taught her that when following the gospel we need to follow the recipe before we start complaining. Too often in life we change the recipe and then wonder why the results are not what we expected.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
A view of leaders
Most leaders in any religion have several narratives that are a part of their lives.
- Many whom they see with doubts are struggling with serious personal problems or issues.
- Most have served in capacities (such as missionaries) where they have seen God bring people into the fold, and they see that in their current calling.
- Most have dealt with many, many people who left the fold and have now returned, bringing a renewed testimony of the faith with them.
- Most have been very successful within their faith and as it connects to their personal lives.
- Most have learned to associate resentments and other problems with self deception which can cause them to undervalue pain, or to see issues as a reflection of personal problems rather than external ones.
Are all doubts caused by serious personal problems? No. Is success proof of intrinsic merit and the grace of God? I reject neo-Calvinism in all forms. Are all hurt feelings, pain and resentments the result of self-betrayal and self deception? Obviously not.
But those are the personal narratives that any leader is likely to bring to the table, and to deal with leaders, to be helped by them in grief, to understand them, it helps to know those five things. Especially since with grief, the loss of a child or other serious pain, you already fall within the category of someone with a serious personal issue, albeit one that calls out for love and sympathy.
My own advice? Be gentle with them as you would hope for them to be gentle with you.
Friday, December 21, 2007
There are no words
Brigham Young and Joseph Smith wrote a number of times about how our language limited our understanding. That when God spoke to us, we were limited by our words, our experiences and the tools we had to work with and that an important part of allowing God to speak to us was expanding the tools we had to hear the divine with.
We are often caught up in the struggle between denotation and connotation. Between indentity and meaning, and in grief, so limited by the things we do not know. There are no words that suffice sometimes.
So we struggle. When God says "worlds without number" does God mean infinite, or does God mean more than the current audience would count, or does God mean an indefinite number of worlds (the "I've lost count" number in the math joke) or is it a poetic reference? All, none, some, or does it really matter? Can the right words help when we are in pain? Can those without the right words do much but spread ignorance?
I was thinking about the concept on the plane to my in-laws, struggling with a way to put into words the way that words are not enough. Then, last night, I read another story of grief, where words failed the author and those who spoke to him revealed only their own lack of knowledge, their own failures of language. As I read, it came to mind that there was little I could say to the author or others right then, there are no words sometimes. There are no words.
We are often caught up in the struggle between denotation and connotation. Between indentity and meaning, and in grief, so limited by the things we do not know. There are no words that suffice sometimes.
So we struggle. When God says "worlds without number" does God mean infinite, or does God mean more than the current audience would count, or does God mean an indefinite number of worlds (the "I've lost count" number in the math joke) or is it a poetic reference? All, none, some, or does it really matter? Can the right words help when we are in pain? Can those without the right words do much but spread ignorance?
I was thinking about the concept on the plane to my in-laws, struggling with a way to put into words the way that words are not enough. Then, last night, I read another story of grief, where words failed the author and those who spoke to him revealed only their own lack of knowledge, their own failures of language. As I read, it came to mind that there was little I could say to the author or others right then, there are no words sometimes. There are no words.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Wanting less
Our office party this year ran under budget. People ate a good deal less than expected, my boss explained, as I got a refund.
Which led to our talking about the fact that we can all eat as much as we want, when we want, of pretty much what we want, without it affecting our budgets. One of the secretaries talked about how after her child's birthday they bundled up the gifts and took them to Goodwill, the child already had too much "stuff" and they knew that there were others who needed it more.
My birthday is the 19th. My youngest child's birthday is on the 21st. At her party (held to fit in her friend's schedules) parents had been told that their child coming was gift enough. We meant it. When asked by a Catholic secretary what I would like for Christmas, I suggested that she light a candle for me. I'm swamped with books that I'm excited about reading and I have more than enough.
Growing up, living in trailer parks, knowing hunger from time to time, I would never have thought that life would resolve has it has.
I want more of people, more of happy times with people, just less of things that distract. More memories, fewer souvenirs.
I wonder what other people want for Christmas, what their hearts truly need.
Which led to our talking about the fact that we can all eat as much as we want, when we want, of pretty much what we want, without it affecting our budgets. One of the secretaries talked about how after her child's birthday they bundled up the gifts and took them to Goodwill, the child already had too much "stuff" and they knew that there were others who needed it more.
My birthday is the 19th. My youngest child's birthday is on the 21st. At her party (held to fit in her friend's schedules) parents had been told that their child coming was gift enough. We meant it. When asked by a Catholic secretary what I would like for Christmas, I suggested that she light a candle for me. I'm swamped with books that I'm excited about reading and I have more than enough.
Growing up, living in trailer parks, knowing hunger from time to time, I would never have thought that life would resolve has it has.
I want more of people, more of happy times with people, just less of things that distract. More memories, fewer souvenirs.
I wonder what other people want for Christmas, what their hearts truly need.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Ham for Chanukah
http://nancykayshapiro.livejournal.com/35633.html
There I was thinking that the "Mocha for Mormons" missed the point ("it is mocha, not coffee").
Hello Gorgeous
"Hello gorgeous" -- it is how I answer the phone when my wife calls.
Well, I'm in a mediation, our side has four claims representatives and three attorneys and she calls and I answer my cell phone. Next thing I know, everyone is looking at me.
It is getting late, one of the other guy's wife calls, and he tries that same answer. Immediate disconnect, he jokes "she must have thought it was a wrong number" but he calls back and stays on task.
The third guy's wife called (we went really late, missed a lot of things, it was a Friday night). "Hello gorgeous" he goes and doesn't miss a beat.
By the end of the night everyone had decided to adopt the nick name I have for my wife for their own. It was kind of neat.
Well, I'm in a mediation, our side has four claims representatives and three attorneys and she calls and I answer my cell phone. Next thing I know, everyone is looking at me.
It is getting late, one of the other guy's wife calls, and he tries that same answer. Immediate disconnect, he jokes "she must have thought it was a wrong number" but he calls back and stays on task.
The third guy's wife called (we went really late, missed a lot of things, it was a Friday night). "Hello gorgeous" he goes and doesn't miss a beat.
By the end of the night everyone had decided to adopt the nick name I have for my wife for their own. It was kind of neat.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Seasons of the heart, Christmas
I've been writing out the personal notes for Christmas cards. This year has been a blitz of presents (Win made over a hundred personalized glass casserole dishes, packaged them up and mailed most of them, and that was only a start). As the season progresses, with memories and everything coming in, makes me want to just find a way to disappear and resurface in March. There are only so many presents to give away, so much activity to interpose, and I can no longer hide behind food.
Jessica was so excited about being baptized. I've not known a kid not quite seven who was so enthused about getting to eight to be baptized. Now, Rachel is about to turn eight and it just brings back and lot of feelings. We head towards Christmas, where Courtney died on the 26th of December and Rachel was admitted to the hospital then, and it is a cold month, in so many ways, and this year, more than many before, a very hard month to face.
But, we got a tree, got it decorated, had the pets eat everything on the bottom few branches, and we have lights up (out of reach of the pets outside).
Wish I had better advice for weathering the seasons of the heart.
BTW, ethics, fair trade and everything else aside, http://peaceworks.com/product_info.php?cPath=21&products_id=28 is a link to the best granola bars I've ever found.
I've simplified my modified Shangri-la calories as well.
2 ice cubes, one cup of water, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 1.5 scoops protein powder, 2 tablespoons extra light olive oil, blend well (using a blender), drink right after getting up, no flavor for an hour, then I brush my teeth and go to work. It is simple, easiest two hour block of time to find (since I'm spending an hour of it sleeping), replaces breakfast and seems to work well. The powder binds up the oil and it is the most gag free approach I've found. A number of people use nose clips, but if you use Designer Whey, unflavored, it is pretty much flavor free with or without the nose clips.
Contains enough protein that you don't have to pay special attention to getting enough protein while losing weight.
Jessica was so excited about being baptized. I've not known a kid not quite seven who was so enthused about getting to eight to be baptized. Now, Rachel is about to turn eight and it just brings back and lot of feelings. We head towards Christmas, where Courtney died on the 26th of December and Rachel was admitted to the hospital then, and it is a cold month, in so many ways, and this year, more than many before, a very hard month to face.
But, we got a tree, got it decorated, had the pets eat everything on the bottom few branches, and we have lights up (out of reach of the pets outside).
Wish I had better advice for weathering the seasons of the heart.
BTW, ethics, fair trade and everything else aside, http://peaceworks.com/product_info.php?cPath=21&products_id=28 is a link to the best granola bars I've ever found.
I've simplified my modified Shangri-la calories as well.
2 ice cubes, one cup of water, 1/4 cup oatmeal, 1.5 scoops protein powder, 2 tablespoons extra light olive oil, blend well (using a blender), drink right after getting up, no flavor for an hour, then I brush my teeth and go to work. It is simple, easiest two hour block of time to find (since I'm spending an hour of it sleeping), replaces breakfast and seems to work well. The powder binds up the oil and it is the most gag free approach I've found. A number of people use nose clips, but if you use Designer Whey, unflavored, it is pretty much flavor free with or without the nose clips.
Contains enough protein that you don't have to pay special attention to getting enough protein while losing weight.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
When is enough, enough?
Well, to each their own, apparently. I'm in the above category. My wife of eleven years stands in the opening to our living room this past weekend, arms crossed and brows furled. I already knew I wasn't going to like this conversation. It opens with a question about the bag of ON serious mass I have in the closet. And how many things do I need to exercise, the weight gainer, protein powders, protein bars, etc. She wants to know when it is going to stop, when will I be big enough. I don't want to get mad, but...we all normally are our own worst critics. We never see ourselves as others do. I am by no means big (5'07", 175 - 180lbs depending on time of day), but yes, certainly bigger than when we got married.
If I were guessing, I'll bet she likes what she sees, but ...
She was probably happy with what she saw ten pounds ago. You've hit the point she is happy about you, now she wants to know just how much further this goes, how much time you are taking away from her, how much more money you are going to spend.
Does that make any sense? Kind of like when a guy has a hobby. An hour a week, might make your wife smile and have her encouraging you. Forty hours a week, she is going to throw tantrums.
Five dollars a week? She may not even notice. Five hundred dollars a week, a surgeon making two million a year can get away with it, but the rest of us are going to be putting a major strain on a relationship.
She is really asking is this a supplement to your relationship or a replacement? When is enough really enough (and when does it become too much)?
From a discussion about wives and hobbies (this one by a weightlifter/ bodybuilder, but) the principle applies across the board to self improvement and hobbies and projects. It is important to ask yourself how what you are doing comes across. Is it a supplement to your life or is it a replacement for a part of it?
If I were guessing, I'll bet she likes what she sees, but ...
She was probably happy with what she saw ten pounds ago. You've hit the point she is happy about you, now she wants to know just how much further this goes, how much time you are taking away from her, how much more money you are going to spend.
Does that make any sense? Kind of like when a guy has a hobby. An hour a week, might make your wife smile and have her encouraging you. Forty hours a week, she is going to throw tantrums.
Five dollars a week? She may not even notice. Five hundred dollars a week, a surgeon making two million a year can get away with it, but the rest of us are going to be putting a major strain on a relationship.
She is really asking is this a supplement to your relationship or a replacement? When is enough really enough (and when does it become too much)?
From a discussion about wives and hobbies (this one by a weightlifter/ bodybuilder, but) the principle applies across the board to self improvement and hobbies and projects. It is important to ask yourself how what you are doing comes across. Is it a supplement to your life or is it a replacement for a part of it?
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Hoping for my children
Our school district has a strongly held policy against moving kids up a grade. Instead they attempt to find some other accommodation or work-around. That finally failed with Rachel and she was moved, in spite of her objections. She is finding it easy, and as she makes friends it isn't so bad. The real test will come when they have to decide what to do about skipping fourth grade (she is already working into the fourth grade material and beyond). She already looks so short with the third graders. I'm grateful Girl Scouts gives her a chance to hold on to her friends.
Some parents have asked me for what kind of drills or special training Rachel gets. The stronger a policy gets, the more someone notices when it isn't followed, and this is a competitive school district. Sigh. Mostly benign neglect I have to admit. Some edutainment, lots of books in the house. We bought some flash cards, I've always meant to use them. We found an ADD medication that didn't cause seizures or other bad side effects. Some social psych help really helped her adjust (but had nothing to do with school work).
Socialization is what we have worked on. It can be so hard when you do not connect with those around you. If you do not think the same way, at the same speed, if you disconnect, it can be so hard. There isn't any trick to Rachel moving up. The big trick would have been to find a way to keep Rachel in second grade, which is what was her heart's desire.
I worry about my children. It is not easy to be beautiful or to be brilliant. If you do not embrace the world, beauty only draws attention you would like to avoid. I'll have to write about my oldest some time. She is beautiful, and aside from the amusement at discovering it, it is as much of a problem as Rachel's brilliance, especially as she has no malice and has been slowly understanding the dynamics. It was easier when she hid it.
I guess every father worries for his children. It is easy to think that brilliance, beauty or talent are answers. If only it were so. A good heart and the ability to relate to others, since I was very young, that is what I believed in.
Love doesn't come on flash cards and it isn't easy to quantify or explain as a goal. Little things are easy (always trying to remember to have money to give to the Salvation Army, small kindnesses here and there), but trying to focus on this as important is why in raising my children it so often seems that everything else gets left to benign neglect. Charity is the core of what I hope for my children, the one gift that I have faith never fails. Everything else pales in comparison.
Some parents have asked me for what kind of drills or special training Rachel gets. The stronger a policy gets, the more someone notices when it isn't followed, and this is a competitive school district. Sigh. Mostly benign neglect I have to admit. Some edutainment, lots of books in the house. We bought some flash cards, I've always meant to use them. We found an ADD medication that didn't cause seizures or other bad side effects. Some social psych help really helped her adjust (but had nothing to do with school work).
Socialization is what we have worked on. It can be so hard when you do not connect with those around you. If you do not think the same way, at the same speed, if you disconnect, it can be so hard. There isn't any trick to Rachel moving up. The big trick would have been to find a way to keep Rachel in second grade, which is what was her heart's desire.
I worry about my children. It is not easy to be beautiful or to be brilliant. If you do not embrace the world, beauty only draws attention you would like to avoid. I'll have to write about my oldest some time. She is beautiful, and aside from the amusement at discovering it, it is as much of a problem as Rachel's brilliance, especially as she has no malice and has been slowly understanding the dynamics. It was easier when she hid it.
I guess every father worries for his children. It is easy to think that brilliance, beauty or talent are answers. If only it were so. A good heart and the ability to relate to others, since I was very young, that is what I believed in.
Love doesn't come on flash cards and it isn't easy to quantify or explain as a goal. Little things are easy (always trying to remember to have money to give to the Salvation Army, small kindnesses here and there), but trying to focus on this as important is why in raising my children it so often seems that everything else gets left to benign neglect. Charity is the core of what I hope for my children, the one gift that I have faith never fails. Everything else pales in comparison.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Sister Mary Sue goes to Heaven
Mary Sue was pouting when tragedy struck. Much to the surprise of everyone else, she found herself in heaven (being Mary Sue, of course she expected to find herself there).
However, even she was surprised to see that there did not seem to be any men around where she was, though her hostess (if that is how one addresses a divine angelic presence engaged in that task) did not seem to find it remarkable.
Sister Sue had planned on listening in anyway, but didn't realize all she had to do was ask. As soon as she did, she decided it was a mistake. What a torrent of whining, begging and complaining children.
No wonder the Church spent so much time training men to do that sort of thing, men had to get ready for an eternity of it in advance. But she worried that she might somehow get stuck with it at some point.
From When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered by S. Michael Wilcox
Think about that next time you wonder about what heaven is and what conclusions to reach.
However, even she was surprised to see that there did not seem to be any men around where she was, though her hostess (if that is how one addresses a divine angelic presence engaged in that task) did not seem to find it remarkable.
"The men are babysitting. Surely you knew that in heaven men do all the child care?" "If you'd like, you can listen in on the men's channel."
Sister Sue had planned on listening in anyway, but didn't realize all she had to do was ask. As soon as she did, she decided it was a mistake. What a torrent of whining, begging and complaining children.
"Oh, men listen to and help process all the prayers. I know yours weren't that way, but most prayers are nothing but begging, whining and complaining, with a little gloss thrown in."Mary thought back to her last bishop. Of course no one paid him, everyone felt he was the one to complain to, and he knew he was going to be released and then forgotten after five or six years of service. Her husband had once joked that when Christ washed the apostles feet, that was the least of the clean-up he had to do. But Mary hadn't thought about that sort of thing carrying over to heaven.
"But you don't have to worry, the children are told not to bother us."
No wonder the Church spent so much time training men to do that sort of thing, men had to get ready for an eternity of it in advance. But she worried that she might somehow get stuck with it at some point.
"It wouldn't be much like heaven if you had to put up with that, would it?"Her hostess had read her mind. Mary Sue had been confused about what to expect, but this was starting to give her a real clue about why heaven was heavenly.
"Don't worry, the men do all the cleaning too.
"There are times in our lives when I think the Lord says, I gave you bread, but it wasn’t the kind of bread you wanted and because you keep thinking about the kind of bread you wanted you’ve turned my bread into a stone. I gave you a fish, but it wasn’t the flavor of fish that you wanted, and you’ve turned the fish into a serpent. Or I gave you an egg, but I cooked it differently from how you ordered it, and you think I’ve given you a scorpion."
From When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered by S. Michael Wilcox
Think about that next time you wonder about what heaven is and what conclusions to reach.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Beyond life -- a real question
We live our lives in an era where happiness and satisfaction actually have a time and place, where there is more than the search for survival. Life in our time is different in some ways from live in an age of survival. In many survival societies, alcohol and drugs are not significant. Marriage is an economic survival tool, not a source of fulfillment. Arranged marriages rule over romantic love and in such societies most people do not believe that passion is anything more than derangement.
What happens when survival is assumed? When what is argued about is really degrees of satisfaction. When division of labor and skill is no longer necessary in a household, what places to traditional roles have? No one needs to master technologies related to running a house or a family. We will not starve and go naked if I have not mastered the hunt or if my wife has not mastered making thread and cloth or how to tan leather. No one makes their own soap or candles or bricks in order to survive. Home canning is a hobby, not an essential. Cooking is an art, not a craft for most.
I do not fear starving, naked and cold in my old age if I do not have enough loyal children. If I want, I can work at McDonalds for minimum wage, rent a room in a basement, check out books and the internet at a library and keep a standard of living better than 99% of humanity's on social security. I can even get fat on that life style. Laugh, but the ability to get fat has historically been the sine non quon of success and wealth for thousands of years. In at least half of the world it still is.
So, what do we do with our lives when we can get and stay fat without marriage? What do we do when children are a luxury rather than an investment? What do we do when in many ways we have conquered the need to fight for survival on a daily basis?
The question becomes significant when you realize that what I am also really asking about is the celestial realm. Well, we may not get fat (in spite of all the Biblical phrases praising that -- I assume they are symbolic). In our lives we are facing the question of what we do when we are beyond life and have moved into living.
The answer is what separates the worlds of the next life, and what we do in this life. Do we seek pleasure, especially in the short run? That is the telestial kingdom.
Do we seek joy? That is the path beyond. And just what does that mean, from romantic love (I surely hope that is part of a celestial order, I do so love my wife), to seeking fulfillment in marriage rather than "just" survival (giving another layer to President Hinckley's comments about the need to have civil unions), to how we use our spare time or even how we blog, that is the question, the real question, that takes us past live and into living.
BTW, a great essay on the same topic is at: My theory of eternity
What happens when survival is assumed? When what is argued about is really degrees of satisfaction. When division of labor and skill is no longer necessary in a household, what places to traditional roles have? No one needs to master technologies related to running a house or a family. We will not starve and go naked if I have not mastered the hunt or if my wife has not mastered making thread and cloth or how to tan leather. No one makes their own soap or candles or bricks in order to survive. Home canning is a hobby, not an essential. Cooking is an art, not a craft for most.
I do not fear starving, naked and cold in my old age if I do not have enough loyal children. If I want, I can work at McDonalds for minimum wage, rent a room in a basement, check out books and the internet at a library and keep a standard of living better than 99% of humanity's on social security. I can even get fat on that life style. Laugh, but the ability to get fat has historically been the sine non quon of success and wealth for thousands of years. In at least half of the world it still is.
So, what do we do with our lives when we can get and stay fat without marriage? What do we do when children are a luxury rather than an investment? What do we do when in many ways we have conquered the need to fight for survival on a daily basis?
The question becomes significant when you realize that what I am also really asking about is the celestial realm. Well, we may not get fat (in spite of all the Biblical phrases praising that -- I assume they are symbolic). In our lives we are facing the question of what we do when we are beyond life and have moved into living.
The answer is what separates the worlds of the next life, and what we do in this life. Do we seek pleasure, especially in the short run? That is the telestial kingdom.
Do we seek joy? That is the path beyond. And just what does that mean, from romantic love (I surely hope that is part of a celestial order, I do so love my wife), to seeking fulfillment in marriage rather than "just" survival (giving another layer to President Hinckley's comments about the need to have civil unions), to how we use our spare time or even how we blog, that is the question, the real question, that takes us past live and into living.
BTW, a great essay on the same topic is at: My theory of eternity
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Ozarque
Suzette Haden Elgin has devoted much of her life to peace.
She has a modest gateway at Ozarque.com and a Live Journal blog, Ozarque's Journal.
It is easy to use the term "saint" to describe people, and then there are people who are saints.
Suzette is one.
It is just a coincidence, but she likes this charity too: Jesus Wants a Water Buffalo for Christmas
She has a modest gateway at Ozarque.com and a Live Journal blog, Ozarque's Journal.
It is easy to use the term "saint" to describe people, and then there are people who are saints.
Suzette is one.
It is just a coincidence, but she likes this charity too: Jesus Wants a Water Buffalo for Christmas
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Why you shouldn't go to law school
A blogger wrote:
Well worth reading. I'm glad I went to law school and I enjoy my life, but "Lawyers suffer from depression, anxiety, hostility, paranoia, social alienation and isolation, obsessive-compulsiveness, and interpersonal sensitivity at alarming rates."
Read the comments too: http://www.haloscan.com/comments/bellelettre/757951081830600967/
e.g.
I am curious about how people feel about the choices they made and the directions they took, both as to how those worked for them (I'm pleased with my choices and how they have worked out) and as to how they would recommend others think about them (I just suggested a PhD in business to another relative).
I promised more detail about why the jobs that one might expect after law school aren't anything to look forward to.
Well worth reading. I'm glad I went to law school and I enjoy my life, but "Lawyers suffer from depression, anxiety, hostility, paranoia, social alienation and isolation, obsessive-compulsiveness, and interpersonal sensitivity at alarming rates."
Read the comments too: http://www.haloscan.com/comments/bellelettre/757951081830600967/
e.g.
2) My experience of law, both in school and with those in practice, is that there is not really a higher percentage of arrogant, picky, petty jerks in the law than in other professions with highly educated individuals. I see you are training to enter academia...wait until you see the amount of sheer pettiness, backstabbing, and arrogance that goes on in the ivory tower. My acquaintances in the medical field have similar experiences.For comparison, visit: The PhD Project: Business doctoral programs
3) Any client driven position is going to involve dealing with a public that at times can be bitter, petty, and unpleasant to work with. I actually have some experience working with public interest lawyers, apart from my other work experience. Was the pay low? Yes... Were the offices a dump? Yes.... Were the clients at times petty and frustrating? Yes...but no more than people see with any customer service job. The lawyers I worked with went home pretty happy at night, regardless of the fact that some of their clients were angry jerks.
4) Your advice is still sound for the most part; college students should not use law school as the default "don't know what else to do; guess I'll go to law school" option...it is way too expensive for that. However, tough work conditions and demanding clients (let me tell you, students can be pretty demanding at times!) exist in most professions, as do ambiguous moral situations (just ask investigative journalists who find their stories and investigation driven by bottom-line management requirements). People should realize that no career is a bed of roses when it comes to moral conflict and ambiguity, stress, arrogant colleagues, and problematic payscales.
I am curious about how people feel about the choices they made and the directions they took, both as to how those worked for them (I'm pleased with my choices and how they have worked out) and as to how they would recommend others think about them (I just suggested a PhD in business to another relative).
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Jordan F; A Goodrum; Misc.
The Stake President went off of his prepared notes for the Stake Priesthood Meeting, and stating that he had taken inspiration from Jordan F's lesson on James and talked to us about Peacemaking. It was heartfelt and heartwarming.
Earlier in the day A. Goodrum (who also spoke at the meeting) had made a comment in Sunday School today about how God repairs us, and I took it in the sense that a restorationist repairs a vintage or classic automobile or Alpina used to talk about restoring (often new) BMWs to what they should be.
It was a very moving thought, one I've been thinking about, and his comments tonight were no less impressive.
Finally, to cap it off, I was approached by a brother who had actually been there when I got hit, just checking on me. I'm still amazed that on what was basically an empty road at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday I not only got hit, but someone from the church was a witness and wanted to check on me to make sure everything was ok (and had apparently talked to the police so that their name would have been on the report if I had gotten one).
I need to think more on what Alex had to say, and on peacemaking.
Some links on peacemaking:
Earlier in the day A. Goodrum (who also spoke at the meeting) had made a comment in Sunday School today about how God repairs us, and I took it in the sense that a restorationist repairs a vintage or classic automobile or Alpina used to talk about restoring (often new) BMWs to what they should be.
It was a very moving thought, one I've been thinking about, and his comments tonight were no less impressive.
Finally, to cap it off, I was approached by a brother who had actually been there when I got hit, just checking on me. I'm still amazed that on what was basically an empty road at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday I not only got hit, but someone from the church was a witness and wanted to check on me to make sure everything was ok (and had apparently talked to the police so that their name would have been on the report if I had gotten one).
I need to think more on what Alex had to say, and on peacemaking.
Some links on peacemaking:
Shangri-la Diet -- an update
Lots of water under the bridge, but the bottom line is that I've changed some things up in my routine. I did it to reduce the "ugh" factor when swallowing the oil, though it turns out to have coincided with some experiments done by others, and I'm pleased with where it has gone.
It is possible to blend the oil with lecithin or protein powder (the typical unflavored or lightly flavored with vanilla whey based protein available at every health food store, Albertsons or Central Market/Whole Foods), some water and a couple ice cubes and have the oil part basically disappear. I took the easy route and started mixing two tablespoons oil with one scoop of protein (about the same calories as a tablespoon of oil) and drinking it down with nose clips.
Now protein powder by itself just never worked for me. Has not seemed to work that well for most people who tried it. However, with the oil it worked just fine, and it meant that I was getting more than enough protein every day (26 grams just from the SLD calories).
I then ran across some discussions of natural high protein sources being used for SLD calories (SLD calories are flavorless calories consumed at least an hour away from any other flavor in order to move the set point). Unlike pure protein supplements, these are highly effective as SLD calories.
Currently I have the following for breakfast every day:
1 cup fat free cottage cheese
1 tablespoon oil (flax or walnut oil)
One scoop protein powder
1/4 cup chopped oats (for texture and fiber)
2 ice cubes (to make it blend better) and some water.
I blend it up and then drink it down noseclipped. I rinse with water afterwards and take my vitamins (well, half a multi-vitamin and some calcium) and then take the nose clip off.
I have been regulating my weight by the amount of exercise I get while keeping SLD calories stable. This particular mixture (the one I finally ended up with) has a few more SLD calories than the three tablespoons of ELOO I was taking, but it also replaces both the SLD calories and breakfast, so it is less total calories.
Much to my surprise, it has also resulted in a good deal of weight loss. I've lost eight pounds in the period of time I was expecting to lose a pound and a half. It has been an experience.
So, I get up early, blend the SLD calories and drink them down. An hour later I brush my teeth and get ready for the day. I don't worry about finding time to take the oil during the day and am not as focused on needing exercise to keep my weight balanced, though I am still running the stairs at work twice a day or so (I'm on the fourth floor and I'll run up the stairs after lunch every day and maybe once or twice after visits to the first or second floor -- it is just neat to be able to not only walk up stairs, but to be able to run up stairs).
If anyone is looking for a diet for the holidays, I'd suggest you consider the Shangri-la Diet (read about it on-line, no need to buy the book) and either use the traditional ELOO during the day or try one of the new breakfast approaches, like the one I am using. I would note that I suspect that with nose clips you could probably use powdered milk, water and oil or yogurt and oil just as easily. I just haven't tried that. I already eat yogurt at lunch and dinner most days and grew up on powdered milk ( btw, locally, protein powder is easier to find and cheaper).
It is possible to blend the oil with lecithin or protein powder (the typical unflavored or lightly flavored with vanilla whey based protein available at every health food store, Albertsons or Central Market/Whole Foods), some water and a couple ice cubes and have the oil part basically disappear. I took the easy route and started mixing two tablespoons oil with one scoop of protein (about the same calories as a tablespoon of oil) and drinking it down with nose clips.
Now protein powder by itself just never worked for me. Has not seemed to work that well for most people who tried it. However, with the oil it worked just fine, and it meant that I was getting more than enough protein every day (26 grams just from the SLD calories).
I then ran across some discussions of natural high protein sources being used for SLD calories (SLD calories are flavorless calories consumed at least an hour away from any other flavor in order to move the set point). Unlike pure protein supplements, these are highly effective as SLD calories.
Currently I have the following for breakfast every day:
1 cup fat free cottage cheese
1 tablespoon oil (flax or walnut oil)
One scoop protein powder
1/4 cup chopped oats (for texture and fiber)
2 ice cubes (to make it blend better) and some water.
I blend it up and then drink it down noseclipped. I rinse with water afterwards and take my vitamins (well, half a multi-vitamin and some calcium) and then take the nose clip off.
I have been regulating my weight by the amount of exercise I get while keeping SLD calories stable. This particular mixture (the one I finally ended up with) has a few more SLD calories than the three tablespoons of ELOO I was taking, but it also replaces both the SLD calories and breakfast, so it is less total calories.
Much to my surprise, it has also resulted in a good deal of weight loss. I've lost eight pounds in the period of time I was expecting to lose a pound and a half. It has been an experience.
So, I get up early, blend the SLD calories and drink them down. An hour later I brush my teeth and get ready for the day. I don't worry about finding time to take the oil during the day and am not as focused on needing exercise to keep my weight balanced, though I am still running the stairs at work twice a day or so (I'm on the fourth floor and I'll run up the stairs after lunch every day and maybe once or twice after visits to the first or second floor -- it is just neat to be able to not only walk up stairs, but to be able to run up stairs).
If anyone is looking for a diet for the holidays, I'd suggest you consider the Shangri-la Diet (read about it on-line, no need to buy the book) and either use the traditional ELOO during the day or try one of the new breakfast approaches, like the one I am using. I would note that I suspect that with nose clips you could probably use powdered milk, water and oil or yogurt and oil just as easily. I just haven't tried that. I already eat yogurt at lunch and dinner most days and grew up on powdered milk ( btw, locally, protein powder is easier to find and cheaper).
Sunday, November 11, 2007
"Stirring the Pot"
I got that phrase from my sister.* In a family, it means to stir things up, generally to foment or create attention, often done by people who are completely unaware of what they are doing. e.g. "You may have the smallest family, but your children are the best" -- said to one family member while others are around and with implied criticism of the person with the small family.
Or consider: "Trisha, Jaydeen was complaining about the way you didn't have vegetables with your meals" said to Trisha when Jaydeen wasn't complaining, but had only mentioned that Trisha had a bar-b-cue.
Often, too often, the person who "stirs the pot" isn't trying to cause harm, but is only focusing attention on themselves, coloring everything that they say or that passes through them to generate or tell a better (i.e. more interesting) story.
The problem is that there is very real fall-out from that behavior in terms of hurt feelings, trouble and conflict, fall-out that far out-weighs the joy anyone has in telling a more interesting story or having a more riveting dialogue.
The solution to someone who stirs the pot is to learn to talk around the pot stirrer, often a person who is otherwise wonderful, but who had very dysfunctional communication patterns and who often attempts to centralize communication patterns to go through them. In fact, if there is someone in a family who steers communication so that it goes through them, you probably have someone who will stir the pot.
Compare pot stirrers to drama queens who draw attention to themselves, rather than use messages to draw attention to what they are saying. Many only stir the pot within a family or when communicating with only one sex (often only daughters and daughter-in-laws or only sons and son-in-laws). Whenever there is conflict created because of things people are hearing second hand, they need to stop and ask if someone is stirring the pot in the middle of the communication stream rather than someone on the other end causing a problem.
Once you've got the personality type identified, you will spot them at work as well as within families. They are the people who gossip to generate emotional response rather than to pass along information and the solution is the same. Find ways to talk around them.
(* I was asked if all my best ideas come from either my wife or my sister. No. I get some of them from my brothers. The term is used in other contexts as well, see: Stir the Pot as applied to political and community discourse. In a family it means keeping things stirred up, in politics it means bringing things back to the surface).
Or consider: "Trisha, Jaydeen was complaining about the way you didn't have vegetables with your meals" said to Trisha when Jaydeen wasn't complaining, but had only mentioned that Trisha had a bar-b-cue.
Often, too often, the person who "stirs the pot" isn't trying to cause harm, but is only focusing attention on themselves, coloring everything that they say or that passes through them to generate or tell a better (i.e. more interesting) story.
The problem is that there is very real fall-out from that behavior in terms of hurt feelings, trouble and conflict, fall-out that far out-weighs the joy anyone has in telling a more interesting story or having a more riveting dialogue.
The solution to someone who stirs the pot is to learn to talk around the pot stirrer, often a person who is otherwise wonderful, but who had very dysfunctional communication patterns and who often attempts to centralize communication patterns to go through them. In fact, if there is someone in a family who steers communication so that it goes through them, you probably have someone who will stir the pot.
Compare pot stirrers to drama queens who draw attention to themselves, rather than use messages to draw attention to what they are saying. Many only stir the pot within a family or when communicating with only one sex (often only daughters and daughter-in-laws or only sons and son-in-laws). Whenever there is conflict created because of things people are hearing second hand, they need to stop and ask if someone is stirring the pot in the middle of the communication stream rather than someone on the other end causing a problem.
Once you've got the personality type identified, you will spot them at work as well as within families. They are the people who gossip to generate emotional response rather than to pass along information and the solution is the same. Find ways to talk around them.
(* I was asked if all my best ideas come from either my wife or my sister. No. I get some of them from my brothers. The term is used in other contexts as well, see: Stir the Pot as applied to political and community discourse. In a family it means keeping things stirred up, in politics it means bringing things back to the surface).
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Gordon B. Hinckley. "The Need for Greater Kindness."
There is no end to the good we can do, to the influence we can have with others. Let us not dwell on the critical or the negative. Let us pray for strength; let us pray for capacity and desire to assist others. Let us radiate the light of the gospel at all times and all places, that the Spirit of the Redeemer may radiate from us.
Good for me to remember just right now.
My Dream Car
Well, my car is still in the shop, though I'm grateful they did not total it.
The guys from Progressive came to visit me at work, and I was asked if I had any complaints. I confessed that having the rental company put me in a Cadillac DTS was a bit excessive. As a luxobarge it is so big it doesn't fit in the garage (think of a car that is as big as a Suburban and bigger than a Tahoe). 12 mpg didn't really grab me either.
So now I'm in a rental company Altima. Not as quiet, no satellite radio, seats hard as a rock, and it fits in my garage, gets 30+ mpg (I've got to drive to East Texas a couple of times this coming week) and it got me thinking.
I like my Volvo, but if I got a new car what would it be? Another S60 (I'm not old enough for an S80 yet)? A Minicooper convertible? Then I realized that what I really wanted was a Honda Civic.
If cost wasn't important, if status markers didn't affect me (and, sadly, they do), I'd buy a Civic. I may anyway at some point.
Everyone has to have a dream car, and I have to admit, that is mine, at least this week.
The guys from Progressive came to visit me at work, and I was asked if I had any complaints. I confessed that having the rental company put me in a Cadillac DTS was a bit excessive. As a luxobarge it is so big it doesn't fit in the garage (think of a car that is as big as a Suburban and bigger than a Tahoe). 12 mpg didn't really grab me either.
So now I'm in a rental company Altima. Not as quiet, no satellite radio, seats hard as a rock, and it fits in my garage, gets 30+ mpg (I've got to drive to East Texas a couple of times this coming week) and it got me thinking.
I like my Volvo, but if I got a new car what would it be? Another S60 (I'm not old enough for an S80 yet)? A Minicooper convertible? Then I realized that what I really wanted was a Honda Civic.
If cost wasn't important, if status markers didn't affect me (and, sadly, they do), I'd buy a Civic. I may anyway at some point.
Everyone has to have a dream car, and I have to admit, that is mine, at least this week.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Accepting Kindness
One of the hardest things to do, sometimes, is to accept kindness. I always found that hard as I was used to helping others, not being helped. I had someone tell me that I owed it to other people to let them help me.
Now I'm in a position where I don't really need help, at least this week (last week, when I was run into by another person's car, I appreciated the guy who stopped and put on his blinkers to keep anyone else from running into us).
Some help I could do without, especially bad advice; some help did my heart good.
These days I'm back to trying to help others, and suggesting that they help someone else some day when they ask about paying me back. (As an aside, if someone offers to send you money and it really isn't a scam, you can always use a school or work address to have them send you a check -- that way you never disclose your home address and yet they get to help you).
It is all part of the circle of life, wherein we give and receive, being part of each other, sharing with each other.
Update 11/10/07
Though my mother ... she got out of the hospital today. I wanted to bring her lunch. She was having none of it, "after all, we aren't invalids here" is the line I heard.
Gee mom, dad is doing well, but hospice still visits and you just had knee surgery. Darius (my nephew) is still in the boot for his foot. Yes, Michelle is in good health, but (well, sometimes I have better luck than others getting people to let me help them).
Now I'm in a position where I don't really need help, at least this week (last week, when I was run into by another person's car, I appreciated the guy who stopped and put on his blinkers to keep anyone else from running into us).
Some help I could do without, especially bad advice; some help did my heart good.
These days I'm back to trying to help others, and suggesting that they help someone else some day when they ask about paying me back. (As an aside, if someone offers to send you money and it really isn't a scam, you can always use a school or work address to have them send you a check -- that way you never disclose your home address and yet they get to help you).
It is all part of the circle of life, wherein we give and receive, being part of each other, sharing with each other.
Update 11/10/07
Though my mother ... she got out of the hospital today. I wanted to bring her lunch. She was having none of it, "after all, we aren't invalids here" is the line I heard.
Gee mom, dad is doing well, but hospice still visits and you just had knee surgery. Darius (my nephew) is still in the boot for his foot. Yes, Michelle is in good health, but (well, sometimes I have better luck than others getting people to let me help them).
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Not what I was planning, getting hit by a car.
I was driving down Custer when someone came across five lanes of traffic and a median to hit me in the side of my care. They just did not see me. It wasn't that bad, just a moderate to low velocity collision -- my car can't be driven but the side airbags did not go off. When I was younger I'd have shaken it off, instead it left me shaken up and sore.
I went to a massage therapist. I'll follow it up with a hot bath and soak tonight. I think other than being pretty shaken up, a little bruised and embarrassed by the rental car (all they had available was a Cadillac, a black Cadillac, so the insurance company approved it, but did they think about how old it would make me feel to be driving a brand new super boat of the road?), I'm ok. Driving a car bigger than my wife's Tahoe, but ok.
[edit] Sunday, a little sore, but I hope to be back to normal in a couple more days.
I went to a massage therapist. I'll follow it up with a hot bath and soak tonight. I think other than being pretty shaken up, a little bruised and embarrassed by the rental car (all they had available was a Cadillac, a black Cadillac, so the insurance company approved it, but did they think about how old it would make me feel to be driving a brand new super boat of the road?), I'm ok. Driving a car bigger than my wife's Tahoe, but ok.
[edit] Sunday, a little sore, but I hope to be back to normal in a couple more days.
Telling my mistress about my wife
Because they are the same person, it makes it easier in some ways. But there are times I just need to talk with someone about my wife. So I talk to her, not as my wife, but as my best friend or my mistress or a confidant.
Everyone has something important they need to talk about and that they find it hard to find the right audience for, where most people just wouldn't understand.
With me it is just how happy and meaningful my wife makes my life. How much she really means to me. But it feels awkward to talk to her about it, so I talk about her with someone who just happens to be the same person as she is. That lets me open up and express myself in ways that are more verbose than just telling my wife that she is wonderful.
I don't know if it makes sense, but it works.
Everyone has something important they need to talk about and that they find it hard to find the right audience for, where most people just wouldn't understand.
With me it is just how happy and meaningful my wife makes my life. How much she really means to me. But it feels awkward to talk to her about it, so I talk about her with someone who just happens to be the same person as she is. That lets me open up and express myself in ways that are more verbose than just telling my wife that she is wonderful.
I don't know if it makes sense, but it works.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Equality then and now
David John: “I am a firm believer in equal suffrage for the sexes; for the reason that they are created and endowed equally, and are equally competent to use the sacred ballot for the general interest of our government.”An excerpt from a longer and better collection than I had seen before.
When you think just how long God struggled to get that point across, you have to wonder at what else he is trying to teach the saints that they have not yet encompassed.
I asked J.L. for some advice and ...
I asked for some recommendations on books and such, and the response told me I needed to do a lot of reading before I could ask the right question. I was two classes short (I had more than enough hours, but I lacked a couple required classes) of a minor in philosophy, and my brother was just about ABD when he switched career paths. But I realized I didn't know enough to ask the right questions.
So I've started reading.
Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes
Is where I started. I'm now reading:
The Problems of Jurisprudence
With a number of books stacked up on my "read this next" shelf (also have a "new" edition of the Odyssey and the Iliad to read, as recommended by my nephew Roark). Why Law and Economics Failed in Germany got me really started and I'm very much enjoying it. I'm part of the "law as social contracts" sort of crowd, but it is a lot of fun to be reading different perspectives (if things just agree with me, what is the point of reading them?).
I figure in a couple of months I'll be able to come back and ask the question again, this time the right way (I was looking for some recommendations of books to read).
Have you ever asked a question and then realized you didn't know enough to ask the question the right way?
I did, and it has been great.
So I've started reading.
 |
Is where I started. I'm now reading:
 |
With a number of books stacked up on my "read this next" shelf (also have a "new" edition of the Odyssey and the Iliad to read, as recommended by my nephew Roark). Why Law and Economics Failed in Germany got me really started and I'm very much enjoying it. I'm part of the "law as social contracts" sort of crowd, but it is a lot of fun to be reading different perspectives (if things just agree with me, what is the point of reading them?).
I figure in a couple of months I'll be able to come back and ask the question again, this time the right way (I was looking for some recommendations of books to read).
Have you ever asked a question and then realized you didn't know enough to ask the question the right way?
I did, and it has been great.
Monday, October 29, 2007
If your children ranked you, how would you do?
The following is a ranking of law schools using the elements that students found important. Not how the students would rank them, but how an outsider would rank them if they used the criteria that students found important.
I got that chart from an interesting blog, that also had the following to say:
Visit the link to have the bullet points work to send you to the sources
Interesting, in many ways this is "ratings, as they would be if students controlled them."
But that got me to thinking. Did you ever wonder how you would be rated by your children if their criteria were used to rate you? Would you find something to learn from it?
The question isn't how your children rate you, but how you would fare if rated by the things they find important.
I learned something from thinking about the rankings in those terms, applying the same perspectives to myself.
I got that chart from an interesting blog, that also had the following to say:
Two weeks ago, I blogged the lists of the Top 10 law schools in eleven categories posted on Princeton Review's web site in connection with its publication of the 2008 edition of Best 170 Law Schools. The rankings are the result of Princeton Review's survey of 18,000 students at the 170 law schools, along with school statistics provided by administrators.At http://taxprof.typepad.com/taxprof_blog/2007/10/princeton-rev-7.html
Last week, with the help of my assistant, I extracted from the individual profiles of the 170 law schools all of the available data and blogged the Top 25 and Bottom 25 schools in each of six categories:
* Academic Experience
* Admissions Selectivity
* Career Preparation
* Professors: Accessible
* Professors: Interesting
* Study Hours
Visit the link to have the bullet points work to send you to the sources
Interesting, in many ways this is "ratings, as they would be if students controlled them."
But that got me to thinking. Did you ever wonder how you would be rated by your children if their criteria were used to rate you? Would you find something to learn from it?
The question isn't how your children rate you, but how you would fare if rated by the things they find important.
I learned something from thinking about the rankings in those terms, applying the same perspectives to myself.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
First solutions are almost always wrong.
El Ninos lead to rain in Texas (and drought other places). If they become more common, Texas could well encounter dramatic climate and habitat changes similar to the result of settlers stopping fires (so that instead of the state being mostly a vast plain it has huge forested areas).
One of the possible sources of that is increased carbon dioxide.
As noted:
Interesting.
In simulations you often look for solutions that are not obvious. One country spends 100 billion going after terrorists. A competing country spends no more on security but spends 100 billion reducing drunk driving. Each reduces the addressed threat by 50%. The country being assaulted by terrorists may have ignored them, but comes out ahead of the other in total loss prevented -- that sort of thing.
In fact, a general rule is that in most complex situations, the immediate steps that people think of are usually the wrong ones. Something I got from a review of computer aided facilitation (a neat software package a vendor was offering) was that as one tracked the initiatives, there was not a single successful one that had a resolution that was a first round suggestion or approach.
The informal rule I gathered from going over the data was that first thoughts are always wrong.
Regardless of what history tells us is the truth on climate change, odds are that the first responses that come to mind will turn out to have been the wrong ones.
For those who have asked about my Dad, he has been doing much better recently. I know that things are unpredictable, but it is nice to see him able to walk for short distances, to be oriented and not in pain. I'm grateful for however long it lasts.
One of the possible sources of that is increased carbon dioxide.
As noted:
Underground coal fires in China alone produce as much carbon dioxide annually as all the cars and light trucks in the United States. Fires in other countries, including the United States, are smaller but still add significantly to the total burden.
Interesting.
In simulations you often look for solutions that are not obvious. One country spends 100 billion going after terrorists. A competing country spends no more on security but spends 100 billion reducing drunk driving. Each reduces the addressed threat by 50%. The country being assaulted by terrorists may have ignored them, but comes out ahead of the other in total loss prevented -- that sort of thing.
In fact, a general rule is that in most complex situations, the immediate steps that people think of are usually the wrong ones. Something I got from a review of computer aided facilitation (a neat software package a vendor was offering) was that as one tracked the initiatives, there was not a single successful one that had a resolution that was a first round suggestion or approach.
The informal rule I gathered from going over the data was that first thoughts are always wrong.
Regardless of what history tells us is the truth on climate change, odds are that the first responses that come to mind will turn out to have been the wrong ones.
For those who have asked about my Dad, he has been doing much better recently. I know that things are unpredictable, but it is nice to see him able to walk for short distances, to be oriented and not in pain. I'm grateful for however long it lasts.
"genetically inferior" -- conclusively disproven
"The striking result we find is that there are no racial differences in mental functioning at age one, although a racial gap begins to emerge over the next few years of life."
In other words, the gap in test scores appears to be completely cultural and nurture over nature.
For the paper, visit here.
What strikes me about much of the racist pap I encounter is that it is very, very similar to the way women were portrayed a hundred years ago. People laughed at Brigham Young when he said women were as fit to be lawyers, accountants, politicians and doctors as men. He was derided for emphasizing the need to educate women. Yet now:
Of which, one of the most important cultural input may be religion: "youth with religiously active parents are less affected later in life by childhood disadvantage than youth whose parents did not frequently attend religious services."
In other words, the gap in test scores appears to be completely cultural and nurture over nature.
For the paper, visit here.
What strikes me about much of the racist pap I encounter is that it is very, very similar to the way women were portrayed a hundred years ago. People laughed at Brigham Young when he said women were as fit to be lawyers, accountants, politicians and doctors as men. He was derided for emphasizing the need to educate women. Yet now:
A recent Ofcom report found that women aged 25-35 now spend more time using the internet than men.
If you look at medical schools, they are dominated by women, many law schools are more than 50% female and in the bloggernacle the most famous PhD candidate in philosophy is female.
All of that stems from cultural changes and cultural inputs.Of which, one of the most important cultural input may be religion: "youth with religiously active parents are less affected later in life by childhood disadvantage than youth whose parents did not frequently attend religious services."
Thursday, October 18, 2007
October being Pregnancy & Infant Loss (PAIL) Awareness month
I just learned that. I'm amazed, sometimes, at how much I do not know. So many things.
For more:
An interesting blog post that covers PAIL and more.
For more:
Depth
An interesting blog post that covers PAIL and more.
Resistance and Compassion
I'm still thinking it over, but when you feel an urge to help someone, or to react to something, you can either react with resistance or compassion. Resistance means to betray your better self, compassion means to feel the love of Christ and to let charity have place in you.
The one is self-betrayal, the other life.
The one is self-betrayal, the other life.
Cameras
You may wonder why so many reviewers seem to prefer 7 and 8 megapixel cameras over the new 12 megapixel cameras.
The answer is simple. The larger size doesn't make a difference for most picture quality, seems to introduce some noise at some settings, and results in sensors that take 2-3 seconds to turn on and about 3 seconds between normal shots. What is not to like about increased delay, quality problems and greater expense.
As for cameras like this one, that are at the top of the preferences of many reviewers, the trade off is between the slightly larger (and these are slightly larger), more expensive and the less expensive and smaller cameras that do a job most people find about the same.
Should be interesting to see what next year's technology brings.
The answer is simple. The larger size doesn't make a difference for most picture quality, seems to introduce some noise at some settings, and results in sensors that take 2-3 seconds to turn on and about 3 seconds between normal shots. What is not to like about increased delay, quality problems and greater expense.
As for cameras like this one, that are at the top of the preferences of many reviewers, the trade off is between the slightly larger (and these are slightly larger), more expensive and the less expensive and smaller cameras that do a job most people find about the same.
Should be interesting to see what next year's technology brings.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Put on the whole armor of God
Usually discussions on this scripture is complete with a picture of a knight in shining armor and some darts from a dart board. That does not really help you to think about what it means.
Paul was writing to Greeks in a Greek City State. They were under the Romans, but not that far from their heritage. The "full armor" was the complete heavy armor that at one time every citizen was required to own. (Citizen applying to fully enfranchised men). There was universal compulsory military service for citizens. Each citizen was required to own, maintain and practice in a complete set of heavy armor, complete with a "professional grade" shield.
To "put on the whole armor of God" means many things, but among them it means to be a full citizen in the kingdom of God and to do your complete duty.
To "stand fast" in such a context is the duty a man in a phalanx has to stand shoulder to shoulder and not break ranks, no matter what comes his way -- for the side that fails to stand fast is the side that loses.
Fiery darts doesn't apply to the things you throw at a dart board and probably doesn't refer to lawn darts either (the military equivalent). It might apply to the large darts thrown by scorpions (a type of field artillery) or to pilum (a thrown javelin that could go through as many as three men in a row), but it probably meant tubes full of greek fire -- tubes that would roast a man alive in his armor or consume a wooden shield and the man behind it -- but that the heavy shield a full citizen (vs. a skirmisher or other auxiliary) used, triple thick bullhide, would shed, if you only stood fast.
Thinking of men, standing shoulder to shoulder, facing the ancient equivalent of napalm (except it burned underwater) and safe only if they held position together and stood fast, is an interesting image. It is a call to accept citizenship in the kingdom of God and to stand fast in spite of whatever terrors one faces.
I hadn't thought of that until today's lesson, when just what a "fiery dart" was came up and I got to thinking of standing fast in the context of a Greek citizen.
Someone said I should write this down, so I am.
Paul was writing to Greeks in a Greek City State. They were under the Romans, but not that far from their heritage. The "full armor" was the complete heavy armor that at one time every citizen was required to own. (Citizen applying to fully enfranchised men). There was universal compulsory military service for citizens. Each citizen was required to own, maintain and practice in a complete set of heavy armor, complete with a "professional grade" shield.
To "put on the whole armor of God" means many things, but among them it means to be a full citizen in the kingdom of God and to do your complete duty.
To "stand fast" in such a context is the duty a man in a phalanx has to stand shoulder to shoulder and not break ranks, no matter what comes his way -- for the side that fails to stand fast is the side that loses.
Fiery darts doesn't apply to the things you throw at a dart board and probably doesn't refer to lawn darts either (the military equivalent). It might apply to the large darts thrown by scorpions (a type of field artillery) or to pilum (a thrown javelin that could go through as many as three men in a row), but it probably meant tubes full of greek fire -- tubes that would roast a man alive in his armor or consume a wooden shield and the man behind it -- but that the heavy shield a full citizen (vs. a skirmisher or other auxiliary) used, triple thick bullhide, would shed, if you only stood fast.
Thinking of men, standing shoulder to shoulder, facing the ancient equivalent of napalm (except it burned underwater) and safe only if they held position together and stood fast, is an interesting image. It is a call to accept citizenship in the kingdom of God and to stand fast in spite of whatever terrors one faces.
I hadn't thought of that until today's lesson, when just what a "fiery dart" was came up and I got to thinking of standing fast in the context of a Greek citizen.
Someone said I should write this down, so I am.
George Phillies for President
Well, at least for Libertarian Candidate for President.
I'm not a libertarian, but I thought I'd endorse George, not because of his politics, but because he has written some interesting science fiction and fantasy -- and labeled it science fiction and fantasy. How many candidates do you know who have been honest about admitting what they are writing or saying is fantasy?
http://www.phillies2008.org
I'm not a libertarian, but I thought I'd endorse George, not because of his politics, but because he has written some interesting science fiction and fantasy -- and labeled it science fiction and fantasy. How many candidates do you know who have been honest about admitting what they are writing or saying is fantasy?
http://www.phillies2008.org
Friday, October 12, 2007
My Dad and the Pope
My dad once had a private audience with the Pope. This was a long time ago, when he was still young, just after the Korean War got started. My grandfather was transferred to the embassy in Greece. There you could find the Greek Orthodox Patriarch pretending not to speak English (he had a degree from an Ivy League school) and putting pressure on people to support his return to Asia Minor. He would talk with the young guys on the embassy staff when he was bored.
But the Pope? Especially if you aren't Catholic?
But my dad was very well behaved, so when an Ambassador's daughter needed an escort, he got tapped. They got in line and she had her private audience with the Pope and my dad was attentive and polite. He was ready for anything except when the Pope turned to him and said "and you my son, do you have any questions for me?" and gave him an expectant look. At that point my dad realized that every other group had everyone in it ask the Pope a question. Dad had just expected to be ignored.
He asked his general purpose question: "Does God speak to man" and "How did you know God had called you?" The Pope assured him that God did not speak to man and had not for quite some time. He stated that he knew he had been called when one of the hundreds of doves at the Vatican had landed on his shoulder during the elections. My father nodded politely and returned to being part of the woodwork as an escort.
The Pope's answer had been similar to the Patriarch's who had told him that God did not speak to man, but that since he was the smartest and best prepared person in the world, it was his duty as the Patriarch to lead the people and do his best and work towards miracles (which he achieved, restoring the authority and position of the Patriarchy post World War II).
I must note that my dad was very young, and looked younger, at that time. These are casual conversations by important men, speaking in passing to a young American who was close to being part of the furniture, not in depth discussions held with anyone of significance.
But the Pope? Especially if you aren't Catholic?
But my dad was very well behaved, so when an Ambassador's daughter needed an escort, he got tapped. They got in line and she had her private audience with the Pope and my dad was attentive and polite. He was ready for anything except when the Pope turned to him and said "and you my son, do you have any questions for me?" and gave him an expectant look. At that point my dad realized that every other group had everyone in it ask the Pope a question. Dad had just expected to be ignored.
He asked his general purpose question: "Does God speak to man" and "How did you know God had called you?" The Pope assured him that God did not speak to man and had not for quite some time. He stated that he knew he had been called when one of the hundreds of doves at the Vatican had landed on his shoulder during the elections. My father nodded politely and returned to being part of the woodwork as an escort.
The Pope's answer had been similar to the Patriarch's who had told him that God did not speak to man, but that since he was the smartest and best prepared person in the world, it was his duty as the Patriarch to lead the people and do his best and work towards miracles (which he achieved, restoring the authority and position of the Patriarchy post World War II).
I must note that my dad was very young, and looked younger, at that time. These are casual conversations by important men, speaking in passing to a young American who was close to being part of the furniture, not in depth discussions held with anyone of significance.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Never Forgetting
My husband’s boss at the time, however, came to him one day and said, “I was sorry to hear that your baby died. Um. Well. You know, these things happen, and we move on.” Then he turned around and walked away.
My husband was stunned. Surgeons are known for their lack of tact, but this seemed pretty insensitive. This conversation became a running joke between us–whenever something bad would happen, we would just say “these things happen, and we move on.” As time has passed, I have come to see this conversation a little differently though.
From a moving post and a well thought out comment. Especially the bottom line:
Very well said.We felt overwhelmed by the love of our Heavenly Father at the time of Liz’s birth and death. As I listened to the talk given by Elder Tenorio during the Sunday afternoon conference, I understood a little how he felt when his children died. The blessings of the temple are extremely comforting. Even though it was hard to lose our child and to be faced with the possibility that we might never have children, the concept of eternal families enabled us to move forward with our lives.
At the time that Liz died, I didn’t want the pain to go away. I thought that if I stopped hurting, that I would forget. I was wrong. As I have “moved on” the pain has lessened, but I have not forgotten our sweet baby. Today we talked to our daughter for the first time about her sister. We showed her the baby blanket and Liz’s picture and we told her that she has a sister that lives with Heavenly Father. My husband even baked a cake for Liz’s birthday and we had a little party. I was amazed at how much our small daughter understood. She was excited to have another sister and kept talking about how she has two sisters–Lynn and Liz. It was one of the sweetest experiences I have ever had.
Notes on Elder Tenorio:
- lds.org
- New Church Leaders Called
- Thursday his talk will be on-line.
If I were giving away books ....
I've often thought that I would like to give away books to BYU students. Kind of like a book of the year. Not the way the Honors Program somewhat did it (by assigning a book for everyone to read) but just by giving every student a book every year -- knowing full well that most would end up for sale on Amazon.com as used books.
What books would I give the students (books they might not otherwise read)?
Year One a book by Elgin
I don't have the money to give books away like I would want to, but those are books I've been thinking of that teach lessons that people are just not going to learn from the usual books, the usual classes, the usual experiences.
What books would you like to have everyone have a chance to read?
What books would I give the students (books they might not otherwise read)?
Year One a book by Elgin
- Peacetalk 101
- How to Turn the Other Cheek and Still Survive in Today's World (I've got three copies in my den "stack of books to give away")
- The Bottom Line On Integrity (I've got two of those left in the "stack of books to give away")
- Steadfast and Immovable: Striving for Spiritual Maturity (I need to reread this one to make sure I still feel the same now that I'm in my right mind, but when I was in the midst of grief it really spoke to me).
- Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box (I've given away several, though I'm not sure this is the best book from the Arbringer Institute. One of their books goes on the list, I'm just not sure which one).
- A Framework for Understanding Poverty (So very clear, if you want to understand. The book is not going to provide solutions, but it does give you the tools to understand. I keep meaning to blog about things in this book).
- Paul the Jewish Theologian: A Pharisee among Christians, Jews, and Gentiles
- A Heritage of Faith: Talks Selected from the Byu Women's Conferences (I like the series, but this particular volume I really, really liked).
I don't have the money to give books away like I would want to, but those are books I've been thinking of that teach lessons that people are just not going to learn from the usual books, the usual classes, the usual experiences.
What books would you like to have everyone have a chance to read?
Saturday, October 06, 2007
"It was only a girl who died, that doesn't matter,"she said
If you had lost a son, then you would know grief. All you've buried is worthless daughters, what do you know of loss!That is a real statement from a real person, who will remain nameless. They felt the way they felt with some vehemence. Why? Was it because they were narcissistic? Was it because they were misogynistic? Was it because they were so ego driven and competitive they had to win in any venue?
Who knows, who cares? The reality is that they were in grief, and severe grief makes logical paupers of us all. None of the obvious responses to such a statement helps anyone. Not the poor parent driven somewhat beyond reason by the death of a child. They don't need deconstruction or enlightenment or re-education just right now.
People watching do not need to see someone in pain given more pain. They might be vicious enough or callous enough to enjoy it, but they don't need it and no one should have the desire to give them a show. Even more, a person on the other end of such a statement isn't any closer to serenity or charity if they forget to be sad and patient, to mourn with those who mourn.
It is important when dealing with others who grieve not to let it become competitive. It is important not to let attempts to compete or dominate by others, afflict us or affect us. Remembering to treat competitive statements as just one more way people are driven past reason by grief and evidence helps me remember that they need help and love. That people really need love and patience is a useful perspective.
It is also one that it is useful to let carry over into your life outside of grief. Grief, especially the severe grief of losing a child, is just terrible stress, writ large (the phrase "writ large" just means just bigger and worse). If you take just a moment, it is easy to see people as being deformed by stress -- remembering that one meaning of to be deformed is to be pushed out of your natural shape.
Rather than thinking of those who say terrible things as malformed (better than using "deformed" in the sense of formed wrong or inherently defective), if you see them as deformed by stress and life, you can also see them as able to be restored by love and patience.
Having love and patience is what charity is really about. In many ways it is just taking the time to help our brothers and sisters, and to help ourselves, be restored to our proper form, undeformed by stress. As my dearest wife pointed out to me, hearing such statements, and their cousins, should be a reminder that people need love and patience, not a reason to abandon it.
Have I been patient long enough?
That is an interesting question to ask yourself. In some cases, such as physical violence, the answer is clear and direct. You should not be patient at all. If you date someone and they get physically violent, you need to leave at a run and never return. Will they recover or change? Maybe, but never with you if they've been violent with you.
But in other cases, 99% of what we encounter in our lives, the answer is that if you are asking the question then you haven't been.
Too often we have been part of whatever the problem is, and not outside, nourishing and helping, anywhere near long enough. One thing I've gotten from Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box is that a belief I've had, that you can make a difference if you just take the time it takes, is true -- and that many, many times, we have not taken the right steps, in the right way for anywhere near enough time.
On thing grief has done for me is teach me that things take time. It has also taught me that so many things I thought or think I am doing are not the same the way I see them as others see them. I see that so often with others that I am certain that it must apply to me as well, and that just like they do not see it in themselves, I can't see it in myself.
The approach of patient, caring love seems like the only answer.
But in other cases, 99% of what we encounter in our lives, the answer is that if you are asking the question then you haven't been.
Too often we have been part of whatever the problem is, and not outside, nourishing and helping, anywhere near long enough. One thing I've gotten from Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box is that a belief I've had, that you can make a difference if you just take the time it takes, is true -- and that many, many times, we have not taken the right steps, in the right way for anywhere near enough time.
On thing grief has done for me is teach me that things take time. It has also taught me that so many things I thought or think I am doing are not the same the way I see them as others see them. I see that so often with others that I am certain that it must apply to me as well, and that just like they do not see it in themselves, I can't see it in myself.
The approach of patient, caring love seems like the only answer.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
On telling the truth
This post is about the truth, as people see it. I'm using something that has come back into the news, without any conclusions about the conflict in the news, as an illustration and to begin the discussion. If you deal with people who have experienced a great deal of grief, often they do not have the same memories or the same experiences, they seem to have different truths. Who is right? Who is telling a lie? Well, it is not that simple. For example, consider this current story in the news:
When dealing with such a situation, it is too easy to conclude that some or all of the people involved are blinded by emotion, lying or self deluding or stupid or lazy or have some other gross defect when it may very well be that they are telling the truth as they understand it. Often times the key to resolving pain and discord is not so much "proving" something but instead helping people to see and understand better or looking at things until you have a perspective that allows for all the stories to be part of the truth.
To take an example almost everyone has lived through: Is a child being put to bed at 9:00 p.m. facing an act of love or oppression? It may matter what the motivation is, it may matter the age of the child, many things may matter. Yet, many times the "truth" as the various parties see it is vastly different and doesn't yield to argument or evidence, it yields only to learning and perspective.
Many times if we feel others are blameworthy for a belief or not telling the truth it may be that they are telling a lie. I see that all the time. But it may also be that they are telling the truth as they understand it and that all of the things one might do to dissuade someone from holding to a lie are only going to offend and alienate those who are trying to find and tell the truth and drives everyone further from finding the complete truth.
That is well worth thinking about.
I've tried to use examples other than from law cases to avoid the temptation to tell "war stories" that probably only another lawyer would appreciate. But many times in law suits until you understand how and why the other side thinks they are telling the truth you haven't begun to understand the case or how to resolve it. That rule is even more important for third part neutrals and mediators or for those of us trying to live life and resolve the conflicts we deal with.
(excerpting from) Justice Thomas in the News: Two Different ReactionsEveryone has their conclusions. However, I was reading http://volokh.com/posts/ 1191302418.shtml and it drew my attention where it was addressing these stories, in part, and someone said:One is from Sherrilyn Ifill (Maryland).
The other is from readers of the right-wing Volokh Conspiracy blog, as reported by Orin Kerr (George Washington).
That's funny. I'm disposed to favor theories where both parties tell the truth, and that's what I think happened here.What about a theory where both parties are telling the truth? That thought made me think. I've seen a number of cases where I think that all the witnesses were telling the truth as they knew it -- even if they differed dramatically on facts. This situation of people telling what they think is the truth, but having radically different views of the facts happens not only in situations involving severe grief but in many other events in life.
When dealing with such a situation, it is too easy to conclude that some or all of the people involved are blinded by emotion, lying or self deluding or stupid or lazy or have some other gross defect when it may very well be that they are telling the truth as they understand it. Often times the key to resolving pain and discord is not so much "proving" something but instead helping people to see and understand better or looking at things until you have a perspective that allows for all the stories to be part of the truth.
To take an example almost everyone has lived through: Is a child being put to bed at 9:00 p.m. facing an act of love or oppression? It may matter what the motivation is, it may matter the age of the child, many things may matter. Yet, many times the "truth" as the various parties see it is vastly different and doesn't yield to argument or evidence, it yields only to learning and perspective.
Many times if we feel others are blameworthy for a belief or not telling the truth it may be that they are telling a lie. I see that all the time. But it may also be that they are telling the truth as they understand it and that all of the things one might do to dissuade someone from holding to a lie are only going to offend and alienate those who are trying to find and tell the truth and drives everyone further from finding the complete truth.
That is well worth thinking about.
I've tried to use examples other than from law cases to avoid the temptation to tell "war stories" that probably only another lawyer would appreciate. But many times in law suits until you understand how and why the other side thinks they are telling the truth you haven't begun to understand the case or how to resolve it. That rule is even more important for third part neutrals and mediators or for those of us trying to live life and resolve the conflicts we deal with.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
My other blog ... updates
I blog on negotiation and related topics at http://srmarsh.com/ Recently I've had updates about free MCLE (that is continuing education for lawyers) webcasts, free books from the University of California on dispute resolution and teaching integrity as a skill.
Been busy all the way around.
Been busy all the way around.
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