Surviving v. Recovering

I was recently talking with someone about grief and they said “Steve, you aren’t surviving, you are recovering.” What my friend meant was that I had passed the stage of being in grief and surviving the experience, holding on and weathering it, to healing. We don’t have good language for that part of the process, that transformation. But he recognized it.

Part of the problem is that recovering and healing are often seen as putting something completely behind us. I’ve deposed witnesses who broke a leg when young. It healed, they recovered, they can’t remember which leg it was now.

Survival is often thought of as “lived through” something. It is now often used to describe someone who experienced something, but refuses to let it make them a victim. There is strength to claiming survivorship. To say I’m a cancer survivor, not a cancer victim; a rape survivor, not a rape victim – that empowers people.

Survival is important. It is the stage of not being a victim, of realizing that something might be happening to you, but it is not you, and that you will still remain when it concludes. It might be overwhelming, but only for a while, the event is history, not destiny.

Recovery is a different stage, a return path, of sorts, to normalcy. As a friend who survived Hodkins Disease expressed, it is what you do when you realize you have a life to live after chemotherapy is over. Rehabilitation is a good word for many in this state. Some things really do heal, some experiences are just history. Life is nothing but a series of adjustments and history.

But, some times it is more complex. When a child dies, there is a permanence to the grief, but not to the disability the grief creates. In the period of severe disability the grief causes, you survive. Then you rebuild. At some point you begin to make progress in an adjusted world.

I have friends whose grief is old, who told me about this stage long ago, and who are in it now. They did not have a good word for the stage of making progress while rebuilding. Neither do I, but I am experiencing it, just as they told me I would. I miss my deceased girls. I love them still. But I have something I can best describe as recovery, a sort of healing and progress, a sort of love.

Other links on topic

• Affliction (final post in the series)  
• Life and Affliction (part two with another to come)  
• Trials   
• Living Beyond Loss: an essay. 
  
  

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Note that coming up in Sunday School: the book of Job, or how in every tragedy you can expect people whose idea of “comfort” is to come tell you it is all your fault, that if you were just as holy as they are, God would not have needed to punish you and misfortune would have missed you.

When they do, remember that at the end of the book of Job, God shows up and tells the “friends” that they are wrong, in strong terms (Job 42: 7-8). When you meet people like that, Christ’s comments should come to mind, see Matthew 23: 13, 27-28; 32-33. Feel free to circulate both for the lesson.

The dog food story

Everyone has heard the story about the little girl who was given a present and when she opened it up it turned out to be dog food. Lots of different points are made from it. Just realized my dear child had gone through that (except in her case the girls at her school just gave her an empty box -- they were too cheap to buy a can of dog food to put in it).

My youngest lives with Tourette's. She also lives with kids in her school who are both jealous and intolerant of her. There is a parent on our block who just thinks if we beat her she would get over it. Others think she is being spoiled because she is so bright. The teachers are wonderful, though taxed, and their kindness makes kids who are not as smart more jealous and more upset (though I obviously would prefer that they be kind to my daughter than not).

It helps that my daughter is kind. When others do not understand, she helps tutor them. If someone falls, she rushes to help them up. She shares what she has. She is extremely cheerful and very bright.

But she has the OCD, extreme ADD and is hyperkinetic as well as the rest of what Tourette's implies. She is lucky in that it appears that much of it will resolve with age, and for the rest, we keep trying different blends of medication and treatment. Unfortunately, what helps with one problem makes the rest worse. Somethings just make everything worse. Every time she ages a little, the blend that works right for her changes.

I talk with parents whose children have had multiple in-patient stays. I know my situation is not as demanding, heartbreaking or painful as theirs. But, it is my situation, and more, it is my dear daughter's life.

And to find out last week that it was replicating stories I hear in church, and from the harsh end of the story, that was difficult, even more so when someone told the story again this Sunday in a talk. A very good talk, mind you, but still, it made me think of my daughter.

It is hard to tell if I'm happier that the box was empty or not. I just feel so helpless. It would be easy to teach her to respond to every slight and hurtful encounter with "You are just stupid and jealous, get over it lamesauce." She could do that and it would insulate her some. They would not hate her any more than they do now.

But, it would change my kind, sweet daughter into someone else, someone who says those things. I don't want to lose her to that kind of person either. But to have her day after day, week after week, month after month beg for a place to hide from the other kids, always respond to questions about her day with pain as to any social interaction (though she is excited when she learns something new, she got far enough ahead on her own they talked with us about skipping her ahead another grade), I feel like I'm failing her.

I'm glad she was able to go to camp, and be in a place where no one stared, no one hated.

To quote from the essay at the second link (way down the page, that is why I'm quoting):

Good Evening. My name is Joshua Perez. I am 12 years old from San Antonio. I am the face of Tourette's. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. Having Tourette's is very difficult every minute of the day. People don't understand, they stare and make nasty comments. Tourette Camp is very important to me. I can tic and no one stares. I have friends from the support group that go to camp with me. I make friends while I am there. 58 more days until camp. Thank you very much for coming tonight and helping Tourette of Texas. I am Joshua Perez, the face of Tourette's.

Those moments come so seldomly. Much too seldom.

Assume Good Intent

There are two important life lessons that are often in conflict. The first is "not everyone wishes you well." The second is "assume good intent." So very often we have failed to teach, and to learn ourselves, that we should assume good intent on the part of our children, our parents, and most of all, our spouse.

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Our bad habits, our compulsive disorders and our addictions are all a part of us, not an evil demon riding us. More so, they are a part of us that is not hostile to us and they are not our enemy. They are a part of us that strives to help us as strongly as they can.

The problem is that they are misguided int heir efforts, which is go terribly awry. That is why our weaknesses can become strengths. It is also why recovery from our issues needs to be spiritual, not just physical, to heal that loss of perception and that misguidance that causes us to be self destructive from forces within us that are trying to help us with all their misdirected might.

Recovery, recognition and transformation redirect our mistakes to positive channles where they strengthen us rathr than destroy us (note Ether 12:27). If we have the humility to surrender to God and seek help from a power greater than ourselves, and can do so with honesty, we can find the transcendence we need. We do not lose ourselves, we do not finally free our souls from destructive demons that are riding us; we regain our self. All of it, this time all pulling in the same direction with the same vision.

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Last week was my 25th wedding anniversary and the 17th anniversary of Jessica's death. I had some vacation time, but ended up having to go into the office for two days that I had scheduled off that week. Win was sick (but modern antibiotics are a wonderful thing), so all in all it is probably all for the best that our travel plans fell through.

What surprises me is just just how joyful I felt in the week.

On facebook.

Prayer and Grief

In recovery, both science and the logic of the heart tell us that in grief, prayer is important. Finding your way through prayer can be hard. Without talking about the form of prayer, this essay is about an approach to prayer.

1. Honesty. Honesty is essential. God sees it, we can't hide the truth from God, but we can hide the truth from ourselves, which cuts us off from God. Prayer should approach honesty as a foundation. If you have pain, anger, hurt, doubt, or fear, unburden yourself truthfully with God.
2. Trust. You need to trust in God as a power greater than yourself who can do things for you that you can not do for yourself. Combining faith and honesty is very powerful.
3. Apply the two tools of honesty and trust to find a place of peace by taking inventory so you can repent and so you can be grateful. Reflecting actively, not passively, is what taking inventory means. Making amends to others and finding gratitude within you are the two places reflection needs to lead you.
4. Listen. Prayer is a conversation. All good conversationalists listen. The same may well be true of prayer. In listening expect that God may well tell you things that you do not know, expect or understand. Without the trust and humility it takes to listen, prayer can not lead you far.
   

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Did God really mean it when He said ... (with thanks to Suzette Haden Elgin, I'm thinking of adding these in from time to time)

"my ways are not your ways, neither are my thoughts your thoughts"

Yes.

Dying in the ICU // What Sarah Said//Love is Watching Someone Die

Here is the video, What Sarah Said/Love is Watching Someone Die




Here is the interpretation




My wife pointed this out to me, it really grabbed me, that sometimes, love is watching someone die.

Advice from my wife

I thought I'd quote some more advice from my wife (her name is Winifred and she goes by Win).

Dear [name redacted]: I remember feeling like I could no longer stand to breath any more. I went into my room, and laid down on the bed. I just wanted to give up and die. I couldn't quit breathing. My body just kept taking the next breath. After a while, I looked around and noticed the dust on the dresser. I decided to get up and dust the dresser while I tried to figure out how to quit breathing.

I think grief is like that. You take a breath at a time, focusing on nothing else but how much you resent the fact that your own body keeps breathing. Eventually, you will find purpose again. Dusting a dresser, caring for a demanding child, paying a bill, are all activities that force us to become distracted from our grief. It is so hard to try to see those things as significant. They are significant .. especially the other people.

I used to ask myself: How would I treat my daughters if they were suddenly alive again? How would I show my love and gratitude for such a gift from God? Then I would make myself treat my living children, my husband, and my other relatives THAT way. That was hard to do. At first my actions were empty of feeling, eventually, the feelings returned. It took years.

The reality is that they could be taken from me at any time. We ALL die. Everyone of us. The only question is when and what relationships do we leave behind us. You want to be the kind of mother to your daughters that they will remember in love and kindness. They will give you grandsons and granddaughters, they will raise those children in the fashion in which they were taught. What lessons are you teaching them?

I don't of myself as being a strong person. I think I was so stupid that I didn't know when to quit. I just kept moving ... I didn't know how to stop. Now I look back and I see that I faked life emotionally. Eventually, I was able to integrate my emotions with my actions. Mostly. some I am still working on.

Grief is so hard. By kind to yourself, and then share the kindness.

There is a song line "You're everything I hoped for, You're everything I need" that replays itself to me as "more than I hoped for, better than I dreamed" when I think of my wife.

Peace,

Stephen

Advice from Win

My wife recently had the following to say to someone:

There are two stories that I want to share with you.

My daughter Courtney turned a year old just 2 weeks after my oldest daugthter died. I was not emotionally ready to celebrate anything, AND, at a year of age, Courtney would not know the difference. So .. No party. 11 months later, Courtney died. I still feel guilt that I never had a party for her.

When my oldest daughter was in the hospital and we found out that she was not going to live, a friend stopped by. She had lost a son at the age of 4. She made a statement that has stuck with me. She said, " You are going to have to decide how much else you are willing to lose." I gave her a confused look. She continued, " When you lose a child, it is all too easy to make that loss your focus. If you do that, you will lose other things also. You will lose your marriage, your other children, your job, your friends. Everything else will be gone. You have to decide how much more you willing to lose."

"How much more am I willing to lose?" That became the statement that I would repeat to myself in my head. That statement made me get up and do things with my other children. It made me focus on my marriage, it made me try to interact with other people.

Your son's death had nothing to do with goodness and evil, wrong or right. You did nothing to "earn" or "deserve"
this tragedy im your life. Horrible things happen in this life. I don' think we really notice all the tragedy in this world until we are personally involved. Grief opens our eyes and our hearts to different emotions. I think it connects us-- as individuals to the rest of humanity.

It is hard to breath somedays while learning to handle loss. Work on it. Make yourself breath, and walk, and care. Claim your life, make yourself love again. You will lose too much if you don't force yourself to move forward. Take the memories of your son, think of all the things you would do with him if he was still here, and do those things with your other children. You don't know what your future holds .. Love them while you can.

Take your grief, hold it tightly, don't let it go, but keep moving forward. I know that you can do it.

"Dark Side" Management Case Studies

I will get back to content that is closer to what I usually write in a little bit. However, a while back one of the members of the AOM (Academy of Management) put out a call for "dark side" case studies -- studies of failures, misapplications or mistakes that could be learned from. Management classes generally study cases, the idea being that the students can gain experience and skills second hand by studying how something was done right. His thought was that there is also something to be learned from things that go wrong.

I thought of several cases that made for excellent cautionary tales.

The first is historic. General Motors was in financial trouble. They approached their unions for concessions and wage cuts and got them. Then, at the end of the year, a story ran that management bonuses related to the cuts were almost twice as much as the cuts themselves. That story has been a long standing disaster for General Motors. It illustrates metrics problems (how do you measure success in cost cutting -- and should the bonuses related to cost cutting ever exceed the cost saving?!; how do you account for long term toxicity of an action?).

More recently, in response to financial problems, several air lines ended up transferring stock to their unions. The pilots unions tend to be better organized and more management oriented. In at least one air line, the pilots union was able to obtain disproportionate gains from the input into management that the stock gave it. When financial problems arose, they then attempted to push a disproportionate share of the pain onto the other unions and avoid giving back the gains. You can track the result of that process in the lack of health of the air line involved. The only thing that the pilots union managed to avoid was a derivative suit by the other shareholders for disgorgement (you could treat the disproportionate gains as an unfair discriminatory dividend, which is what it was). Concepts of capture, fiduciary duty to all shareholders and other issues all rise, especially as worker interests in corporations only seem to be more likely in the future.

Texas Instruments makes for another great study, especially as they are actively trying to recover from an interesting mistake. They adopted merit only raises for engineers. They then gave bonuses to individuals for cost savings. The cost cutters went through and started firing the highest paid engineers and replacing them with "fungible" lower paid engineers. TI is attempting to recover from the morale effects and the obvious inability to recruit and retain top talent. There were other side effects as well. The best example I can think of was an engineer attached to a research team who kept specialty equipment running that allowed the team 140+ hours a week of uptime on their research. He was fired, after a confrontation between his manager and a cost cutter. Uptime dropped to 36 hours a week, and the engineer had to be replaced with contract service at a cost of over $30k a month. The cost cutter did not have to account for either the R&D losses or the contractor expenses, he only got the bonus.

Finally, and this is what got my attentiont ot the topic, Microsoft did something with a very successful division, Ensemble Studios, which has a major product release scheduled. As you might expect, the success of the division has drawn some "successful" management changes. The new manager is going to get bonuses based on net revenues. So, as soon as the next product is released, he is basically firing everyone except for a small stump. That way he will get credit for all of the revenue without any reduction for R&D for new or continuing products. So, Ensemble is closing its doors, the product release is jeapordized (not from lack of quality, no one is being fired until it is released, but from public perceptions) and two years from now instead of having new products, all of the signigicant employees will be working for competitors. Imagine what will happen if he gets assigned to operating systems for his next assignment? Given the amount of the bonus he can expect, look for Microsoft to gut out R&D in every area of the company if it doesn't adjust and to be out of business in 3-5 years if other managers get away with following his example.

Facing my bad habits, growing

I've a bad habit of passing along what can best be described as positive gossip -- positive things people have said about others behind their backs. That, in and of itself isn't a bad thing, but I find myself tempted to reframe things slightly. I was reflecting on it today in church. Sometimes reframing is just that, changing the perspectives or illustrating the essential truth in better words than the original speaker used. But it can be tempting to go too far. I'm learning to watch myself to prevent that, gilding the lily only lessens the truth.

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This blog grew out of an on-line journal I was keeping as a part of keeping my identity separate from grief. I may have had things happen to me, but I was determined that I would not become defined by those things. By writing I was able to put distance between what had happened and myself.

I was getting ready to quit the process when I discovered that what I was writing helped a small audience not really helped enough. So I continued.

I'm glad it is a small audience and only wish it were smaller, that no one experienced the death of a child. Of the things I've blogged about, the rituals and experiences of grief are the least interesting to a general audience. When I blog in that area, hits on the blog always go down.

I can easily double the readers or more by writing on diet. People seem to be drawn to SLD, and by November I will have been using the method for three years. I lost a lot of weight, then brought it back up to 189 and then stayed at that weight for over a year. Recently my weight has slipped down (177.6 this morning). It will probably slip some more, but weight loss isn't what I am really about.

But I have been thinking. It is eleven years since Robin was born and we just recently hit another stage of healing. I know my blog title was designed to make those who were grieving feel more at home, more comfort at being here, than they might have otherwise felt. But it isn't the way I am any more, even at a distance. So I changed it a while back.

That doesn't mean that I'm changing direction or that I'll start focusing on things that draw more attention and more hits. Rather, I'll probably blog about grief a great deal less here, and probably blog a good deal less all in all. I'm not sure I have much more to say. As for Mormon Matters, the group blog I'm with, the way it has become the round the clock gay marriage blog I'm not sure I have much to blog there about either.

Except to try to think of something positive about Ray (The Things of My Soul) and Hawkgrrl to say about them, behind their backs.

Betrayal

I end up talking with people on this theme several times a year.

• a mother whose only boy has died, and who can't have any other children, and who feels betrayed that God has left her without sons;
• a father whose wife has become an alcoholic and whose children are losing their way;
• someone whose interaction with food has gone terribly wrong and who can't stop gaining weight;
• people recovering from disasters who feel that calamity should not have befallen them;
• a kid who wants to serve a mission but who has developing mental illness issues that medication doesn't quite resolve;
  
• the list goes on.

Affliction, especially affliction that seems permanent or life altering, causes a number of emotions. A sense of loss, pain, hopelessness, bereavement and others. Bitterness and betrayal seem to be two of the hardest to deal with. In some situations (such as a spouse who has an attack of the "middle aged crazy" or who has been unfaithful) the emotion seems unavoidable.

Many people who have read my blog know that I've been reading 12-step literature in the hope that it would apply to grief. It does, a little, sometimes. I've written about that too.

But, and this is a big but, there is one area where there is a 12-step group that has feelings of betrayal and resentment down cold. That group is Al Anon. Al Anon is a group for people who have an alcoholic in the family (one of the sub-groups is for kids who have to deal with an alcoholic parent). They have a lot of literature. But, a constant theme, over and over again, is dealing with feelings of betrayal, resentment and the need to control someone else.

This is especially true when people feel betrayed by God in what has happened to them.

Yes, I'd advocate anyone with those emotions to seek counseling. But, you can read things (e.g. here on the official site, and an excellent collection of essays on-line here). No matter what is causing the feelings (and alcoholics often are unfaithful, mentally ill, betrayers -- that is all part of the disease), they have an excellent tool set to help you while a professional gives you additional support.

No question, I value The Anatomy of Peace. But if you need more, there are books like One Day at a Time in Al-Anon (available for 12 cents or so used on Amazon and probably in your local library) that can help with the emotional states, to give you encouragement and hope in dealing with the pain, confusion and anguish.

That can help you find peace.

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For some "middle age crazy" links:

• http://www.hubbynet.com/middleage.htm
• http://blog.middleagedmale.com/
• http://morgansher.blogspot.com/
• http://www.metrolyrics.com/middle-aged-crazy-lyrics-jerry-lee-lewis.html
• http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081157/
• http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Middle-Age-Crazy-lyrics-Tom-Jones/
  

Trials

This has been one of those weeks. A good friend died. I got notice that another friend's wife was sick, but expected to stay strong into next week and went down to see her in the hospital during a snow storm only to discover she had taken a bad turn for the worse and they were going to discontinue life support in the morning. A sister in our ward had her husband die.

I'm blogging on my perspective and thoughts about trials and adversity tomorrow at Mormon Matters.

http://mormonmatters.org/2008/03/09/trials/

But, it has been a week with a number of them. But every week has trials. Otherwise it wouldn't be the imperfect world we dwell in.

Baptism this Saturday, small miracles.

Rachel is getting baptized this Saturday.

It has been a long time since we've had a child live long enough to be baptized. Kind of like her last milestone before we can go back to trying to live normally.

Strange how there are such hidden things in our lives, with such meaning.

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In grief there are two kinds of milestones involving children, both hard to understand.

As Jessica's friends were baptized, had bat mitzvahs, went to college, got married and went through other life stages, there was such bitter-sweet sorrow in her not being there, not doing the same things. At the same time, there is comfort in the fact that life is going on and such joy to see her friends doing well. By all means I was much happier to see the events than if I had missed them.

The other is as children reach the ages that siblings died at, it is as if a heavy weight is lifted each time. Jessica so wanted to be baptized. To see Rachel go through that event was so sweet, as if she had finally begun to live, while at the same time it was one of the first kind of milestones as well.

Life is so many small miracles, so much joy, so much perspective. I am glad of it.

A view of leaders

Most leaders in any religion have several narratives that are a part of their lives.

1. Many whom they see with doubts are struggling with serious personal problems or issues.
2. Most have served in capacities (such as missionaries) where they have seen God bring people into the fold, and they see that in their current calling.
3. Most have dealt with many, many people who left the fold and have now returned, bringing a renewed testimony of the faith with them.
4. Most have been very successful within their faith and as it connects to their personal lives.
5. Most have learned to associate resentments and other problems with self deception which can cause them to undervalue pain, or to see issues as a reflection of personal problems rather than external ones.

Are all doubts caused by serious personal problems? No. Is success proof of intrinsic merit and the grace of God? I reject neo-Calvinism in all forms. Are all hurt feelings, pain and resentments the result of self-betrayal and self deception? Obviously not.

But those are the personal narratives that any leader is likely to bring to the table, and to deal with leaders, to be helped by them in grief, to understand them, it helps to know those five things. Especially since with grief, the loss of a child or other serious pain, you already fall within the category of someone with a serious personal issue, albeit one that calls out for love and sympathy.

My own advice? Be gentle with them as you would hope for them to be gentle with you.

There are no words

Brigham Young and Joseph Smith wrote a number of times about how our language limited our understanding. That when God spoke to us, we were limited by our words, our experiences and the tools we had to work with and that an important part of allowing God to speak to us was expanding the tools we had to hear the divine with.

We are often caught up in the struggle between denotation and connotation. Between indentity and meaning, and in grief, so limited by the things we do not know. There are no words that suffice sometimes.

So we struggle. When God says "worlds without number" does God mean infinite, or does God mean more than the current audience would count, or does God mean an indefinite number of worlds (the "I've lost count" number in the math joke) or is it a poetic reference? All, none, some, or does it really matter? Can the right words help when we are in pain? Can those without the right words do much but spread ignorance?

I was thinking about the concept on the plane to my in-laws, struggling with a way to put into words the way that words are not enough. Then, last night, I read another story of grief, where words failed the author and those who spoke to him revealed only their own lack of knowledge, their own failures of language. As I read, it came to mind that there was little I could say to the author or others right then, there are no words sometimes. There are no words.

Wanting less

Our office party this year ran under budget. People ate a good deal less than expected, my boss explained, as I got a refund.

Which led to our talking about the fact that we can all eat as much as we want, when we want, of pretty much what we want, without it affecting our budgets. One of the secretaries talked about how after her child's birthday they bundled up the gifts and took them to Goodwill, the child already had too much "stuff" and they knew that there were others who needed it more.

My birthday is the 19th. My youngest child's birthday is on the 21st. At her party (held to fit in her friend's schedules) parents had been told that their child coming was gift enough. We meant it. When asked by a Catholic secretary what I would like for Christmas, I suggested that she light a candle for me. I'm swamped with books that I'm excited about reading and I have more than enough.

Growing up, living in trailer parks, knowing hunger from time to time, I would never have thought that life would resolve has it has.

I want more of people, more of happy times with people, just less of things that distract. More memories, fewer souvenirs.

I wonder what other people want for Christmas, what their hearts truly need.

Sister Mary Sue goes to Heaven

Mary Sue was pouting when tragedy struck. Much to the surprise of everyone else, she found herself in heaven (being Mary Sue, of course she expected to find herself there).

However, even she was surprised to see that there did not seem to be any men around where she was, though her hostess (if that is how one addresses a divine angelic presence engaged in that task) did not seem to find it remarkable.

"The men are babysitting. Surely you knew that in heaven men do all the child care?" "If you'd like, you can listen in on the men's channel."

Sister Sue had planned on listening in anyway, but didn't realize all she had to do was ask. As soon as she did, she decided it was a mistake. What a torrent of whining, begging and complaining children.

"Oh, men listen to and help process all the prayers. I know yours weren't that way, but most prayers are nothing but begging, whining and complaining, with a little gloss thrown in."

"But you don't have to worry, the children are told not to bother us."

Mary thought back to her last bishop. Of course no one paid him, everyone felt he was the one to complain to, and he knew he was going to be released and then forgotten after five or six years of service. Her husband had once joked that when Christ washed the apostles feet, that was the least of the clean-up he had to do. But Mary hadn't thought about that sort of thing carrying over to heaven.

No wonder the Church spent so much time training men to do that sort of thing, men had to get ready for an eternity of it in advance. But she worried that she might somehow get stuck with it at some point.

"It wouldn't be much like heaven if you had to put up with that, would it?"

Her hostess had read her mind. Mary Sue had been confused about what to expect, but this was starting to give her a real clue about why heaven was heavenly.

"Don't worry, the men do all the cleaning too.

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"There are times in our lives when I think the Lord says, I gave you bread, but it wasn’t the kind of bread you wanted and because you keep thinking about the kind of bread you wanted you’ve turned my bread into a stone. I gave you a fish, but it wasn’t the flavor of fish that you wanted, and you’ve turned the fish into a serpent. Or I gave you an egg, but I cooked it differently from how you ordered it, and you think I’ve given you a scorpion."

From When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered by S. Michael Wilcox

Think about that next time you wonder about what heaven is and what conclusions to reach.

Girlfriends are forever

An important lesson to teach girls is that guys come and go, but girlfriends are forever.

You know what I mean. You've all seen a girl or a woman who every new guy she dates, everything else drops out of her life, all of her old friends become nuisances, her children become gnats and she goes into orbit around the newest boyfriend (or sadly, the newest in a string of husbands who don't last).

The same girl will act stupid to attract a guy, will become stupid from acting "as if" and really serves only as an object lesson of how not to be. After each crash and burn her friends are less and less close, less likely to give support.

But a good friend? They can be forever. Teach a daughter that girlfriends are forever and she will have friends that last. She will have more confidence in herself, and she will get the message that there are lots of things more important than guys. After all, guys come and go, but skills, education, knowledge, all of those are forever.

I've got a number of posts I've actually written out (I was away from the computer -- life happens). I need to type them up and blog, but I thought I'd share this thought for now. I love my daughters, and in teaching them this lesson, I want them to live full and joyous lives, and to realize that they are forever.

A friend's comments on mortality

Ozarque has been writing about mortality:

• Death and Dying: Part One.
• Handbook for Mortality Discussion (brief).
• Death and Dying: Part Four (you can find parts two and three if these posts interest you).
  

It is easy to forget that we are all mortal, especially on a cold, sharp morning with kids on a sleepover eating waffles and sausage. But we are, and it helps to plan for life to continue. Grief and loss are hard, but there are things we can do to make the transitions more human, more survivable.

So, how are we doing ...

Well, other than wanting to see more friends more often (things get so busy), this is probably the best Christmas we've had. Now, if we can only catch up with the Greens (and my thanks to the people who sent me the phone number for Billy Joe -- your e-mail address bounced when I sent a thank you note to you, but I had a great talk with him and he gave me Bob Smith's number to [I think, I had the strangest dream and woke up with Bob Smith's number on my telephone's saved number list]).

Our Christmas letter follows. I think we got them all mailed (they were in the kitchen when we had our fire, and I still worry ...).

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*

Heather

is at BYU. A

Neuroscience Major

Rachel is now in first grade

with Soccer, Girl Scouts, Judo

Piano, Earthsavers, Book Buddies

Chess Club. Mom tired. Steve is still

at St. Paul Travelers. Happy man. Skinny

man. He lost 75 pounds. In Judo too. His

Mom and Dad moved in down the street. Bought

a house and started major renovations. Win still doing

Anesthesia. Chairs Landscaping project for elementary school,

chairs Ward Activity Committee. Girl Scout Leader. Very Tired

Perfect

&

gorgeous.

That was our family Christmas letter. I got Win to approve it when she was very tired, later, on reading it again, she laughed when she realized I was talking about her being perfect and gorgeous, then realized I had sent that out to everyone we sent cards to (though we lost too many addresses in a PDA crash and the fire).

I'm so grateful to have gotten through a Christmas without the memories overwhelming us or another tragedy striking and to have a living, happy seven-year-old in the house, and Heather home for the holidays.

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Another blog by a parent in grief. http://barbtries.blogspot.com/

Christmas Books.

Each Little Bird That Sings (Golden Kite Honors (Awards)) by Deborah Wiles (Hardcover - Mar 1, 2005) -- a story of death, life and transition, about a ten year old girl whose family owns the town's funeral home when death visits her. As a reviewer said "The book could easily have turned cutesy or, 190 degrees the other way, overly morbid. That it is neither of these is something just short of a miracle."

For a time when you need someone else's grief and someone else's humor.

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We had a lot of books for Christmas at our house. (Yes, we had Christmas a day early because of work and other issues).

• Sergeant Nibley, Ph.D.: Memories of an Unlikely Screaming Eagle by Hugh Nibley and Alex Nibley
• Mormonism: THE STORY OF A NEW RELIGIOUS TRADITION by Jan Shipps (Paperback - Jan 1, 1987)
• Believing History: Latter-Day Saint Essays by Richard L. Bushman, Reid Larkin Neilson, and Jed Woodworth (Hardcover - April 2004) (soon to be a paperback)
• Rick Steves' Italy 2007 (Rick Steves) by Rick Steves (two copies, I gave one to Win and she gave one to me).
• Peter and the Shadow Thieves by Dave Barry, Ridley Pearson, and Greg Call -- Rachel picked this one out for herself.
• Empire by Orson Scott Card (Hardcover - Nov 28, 2006) -- Heather waited in line for three hours to get me an autographed copy.
• The Art of Throwing: Principles & Techniques A very pretty book.
• Hallelujah! Christmas With The Mormon Tabernacle Choir/The Vienna Boys' Choir
• Core Throwing Techniques of the Kodokan Judo Syllabus Volume 1: Dai Ikkyo
• and ...
  Jesus Christ and the World of the New Testament: A Latter-Day Saint Perspective -- thank you Times & Seasons.

May you have found a good book for Christmas, to bring Christ and his hope back into your life.

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I'd love to have the suggestions of any visitors of good books.