Saturday, July 29, 2006

Memories in July

Weight loss posts here: [latest SLD post]

With the diet I've been on, I've quit submerging emotions with food. I've lost more than sixty pounds, started Judo again, and my life is much better, but I'm much more emotionally friable than I was. My six-year-old is not only six (Jessica died just before she turned seven), but she cut her hair herself, and the resulting "repairs" at the stylist ended up with her hair looking much too much like Jessica's.

Miscellaneous things include a project to redo our master bathroom, my parents buying a house just down the street from us, and the usual turmoil.

I made it through Robin's birthday this year (she was born on July 5) which always hits harder than we expect, as was the aftermath period, and put in some good work at work -- which I enjoy.

But it has been a rough month. I'm glad to have pretty much survived it. At least Pioneer Day went well (and I got to shave the beard off).

My real hope is that as I get through an entire year cycle, and as Rachel survives to turn seven, I will have been able to work through many residual grief issues. It is always tempting to put things off another week, another month, another year, but if I do that, I will put off living life forever.

It is just work to go the other way. Not to mention, the year seems filled with land mines. With three deceased children I have three birthdays, three death anniversaries, lots of holidays, and lots of benchmarks. My oldest leaves for college this fall, going where I had hoped Jessica would go, and we keep hearing from Jessica's cohort with wedding announcements and more.



Every-so-often I wonder what happened to people I knew. Old mission companions, friends and people I met during law school, people I corresponded with, people I wrote with, worked with and for, people I knew. The Internet lets you find them, even after they've quit writing or you've moved, though some times there are just too many names, too many people. Other times, it appears they have moved on. As I've turned fifty, I've just wondered what had happened to all the people I knew, where they were, what they were doing.

Some are retired and enjoying life (think John T. Sapienza, Jr. and his almost career of world con promotion). Others are still prolific (think Gary Gygax) or making good moves (Greg Stafford). Some have a kid dating my kid (Sandy Petersen). Others have their offices end up in magazines (Cliff Bridwell, a true prince among men) or end up dating (on and off) co-workers of my wife (Charles Perry).

But I wonder. What happened to Ray Acuna, who found Christ again in a Philosophy of India class? Did Robert Greathouse find the ethos he was seeking? Did Elders Kelsey and Peterson ever meet in Las Vegas after they got home? Or Bill Woodard, who I played chess and war games with and who almost joined the church, and then got burned by his girlfriend.

In the end, as so many people drift away and are lost at the end of frayed tethers of letters, all that seems to remain is family, and some friends as close as family.

So many moves in my life, so few roots in so many ways. How does the song go, "slip sliding away ..."

Guess it is a long hot day in July, filled with nostalgia.

There are places I remember
.



For more on how I'm doing with the diet: sld message board thread.

3 comments:

Lisa M. said...

I have always submerged my feelings with my emotions, well maybe not always, but for long enough that it is tough to remember. I'll bet there is a freedom that comes with your changes, that also includes the emotional vulnerability.

I wonder if I will ever come to a place, where I want to travel that path. Currently my *coping* patterns are working fairly well (as she snickers at herself)

Projects always bring me comfort, even with their added stress. Is it done? Just starting? Major redo? Or just paint?

Those milestones are tough.

December 5th is a hard one for me too. *soft smile*

I often wonder about those lost folks too. It seems like life goes by in a blink, at times and others, its a blurr...yet some days, go forever.

I wonder why that is?

I loved this post..

Thank you .

Stephen said...

You are welcome. You've a great photo too (I like that rainbow).

David said...

I'm another that finds it difficult to express their innermost feelings, Stephen.

Tonight, it took me about an hour to put my five year old to sleep. She was having tantrums about not watching television.

I was irritated, frustrated, annoyed.

After reading the account of your daughter, I went upstairs and gave my daughter a kiss and thanked God for giving me her.

Thanks Stephen.