The summer before Jessica died, everything came together. My practice finally started to go well, I had money in the bank, and we had a long, lazy Indian Summer of windsurfing nearly every evening during the week. Win, I and the girls would go out to Lake Arrowhead (Texas) with the windsurfer strapped to the top of our Honda. We would have the lake to ourselves and would take turns sailing -- one out on the water, the other playing with the girls. Then, at the end, we would do the Hawaiian Surfer Princess routine with the girls, one at a time, riding on the front of the windsurfer as we sailed then around.
Then we would pack up, drive home, clean up and go to bed, though I would tell Jessica and Heather stories first and hold their hands until they fell asleep. It was like heaven and I was as happy as I had ever been. I could see my life turning into "happy ever after."
1992 is a long way away from today. I was 36 then and on top of the world. Publishing, asked to write a book, my practice going well, and as happy as a man can be with what seemed to me to be the perfect wife and family.
Now, Rachel is six, just like Jessica. This year is going well and my wife seems as perfect as a person can be. I've lost almost all the weight that I gained with the deaths, and as I continue getting back in shape, so many physical memories come back.
It is as if my life is starting over again.
5 comments:
Stephen, may God be with you. I feel overwhelmed with emotion when I read Ethesis. I do not think I could walk the path placed in front of you. You are not alone.
I hope that the old life, the one that died, gets resurrected for you some day, in the restoration of all things.
Adam Greenwood
Thank you for the comments. It reminds me that someone is reading and makes me feel not quite so alone.
I, too, have an abundantly good life, despite my losses. It's taken so long to get to this place.
Does it scare you? It does me, when things are going so well. I'm afraid something bad will happen.
Because I know it doesn't happen to the other guy.
And I feel a little guilty to be having a good life despite what has happened. How crazy is that?
On the other hand, I'm more and more convinced I must use my grief, as you are, to sustain others.
A four year old girl in our town just died. Her mother was out of town caring for her ailing parents and the child got the flu and died. They have discovered she had an undiagnosed heart condition and would have died no matter what.
But my heart aches for that mother who wasn't with her child when she died. I will definitely reach out.
Does it scare you? It does me, when things are going so well. I'm afraid something bad will happen.
...
And I feel a little guilty to be having a good life despite what has happened. How crazy is that?
It is very normal. And yes, fear strikes through the hope. Especially since the last time things went so well they were a prelude to disaster.
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