R.I.P. Raymond P.

I've had two guys I knew commit suicide this year, both guys who used to work in the same office as I did, though they were not close to me.  Then, this morning, I heard that Raymond  had taken his own life.

He was a guy in a group with me, who I had been reaching out to, and text messaging until my cell phone died (and took a number of phone numbers with it) a week or so back.  I got the news right before a hearing before Judge Snelson this morning.

I am still caught by the news.  So sorry for him and those he loved.

Resources for those with disabilities:  http://lds.org/disability

Cross post (of sorts) http://www.wheatandtares.org/2011/09/30/what-about-suicide/

Finding myself in the midst of my life

Sometimes it is interesting to find myself in my life.  I'm used to an emotional ebb and flow that goes with specific dates or holidays that have migrated themselves.  December 26 and January 26 as days children died.  Valentines day, before and after.  (Jessica and Courtney were born two days before and two days after Valentines, they died January 26 and December 26).  Robin managed to emotionally migrate to the 4th of July and Labor Day for me.

But it is also easy to think that those dates limit the times I'm emotionally vulnerable, to lose myself and my reactions to history and the calendar.

Recently I had a friend admitted to the hospital with an aneurism and emerging bleed.  Usually that means direct admission to surgery.  I checked into the hospital where he was (I happened to be right down the street when I got the news).  He wasn't listed.  They were gentle with me, the diagnosis he had and not finding him usually means that he did not live long enough to be admitted.

Turns out there was a typographical error with his name.  Even better, the brain aneurism was of a rare type and the bleed had stopped and (after a significant time in the hospital) he resolved without surgery at all.

We've been busy at work.  I've been working the equivalent of two full extra days a week for the past little while (up from significantly over).  And no, I don't get overtime or even comp time, so it is just extra work that has to be done, really long hours that have to be completed.

As for the Tourette's syndrome issues,well, we recently had a significant improvement in medication results.  Very recently.  I'm pleased (so far), though I could wish for a lot more.  Still very time consuming.  I sometimes feel like a large sheep dog in the mornings.

But, since it wasn't Labor Day or Christmas or my wedding anniversary (January 26 just happens to be that day) or the 4th of July ... I did not see myself as being emotionally vulnerable, just busy.  Had someone comment (as I explained why I was busy, and perhaps not thinking deeply enough in what was really a social situation) ... that perhaps what I was expressing as time consuming was expressing things that were emotionally impacting.

Suddenly (before I discovered that Mike was going to recover without dieing or major function loss -- we had a close family friend who was a neurosurgeon when I was growing up -- he left the field because all of his "successes" were really just a different form of failure other than death) I realized that I might be having emotionally stressing events that weren't related to the calendar.

I found a part of myself in the midst of the busyness of life.  In all the time consumption I had lost sight of the fact that there are other emotional events and stresses other than the ones that I take for granted in my personal calendar.   That I'm still reacting and affected by things.  My dad's death, other events, other stresses of life.

Still digesting that.  Still tempted to withdraw from some time commitments and some parts of life.  But also able to reach out and find parts of myself, acknowledge what I am feeling and doing and stressed by.  Finding me in the middle of what is my life.

Surviving

You know what, though? Having stood on the other side, I hope that isn’t the truth. I need to believe that part of the reason she has come through with such grace is because she doesn’t have to explain herself every where she goes. People just know, and they either accept it or they don’t, and there is no hemming and hawing around the edges. I want that. I want to be known as who I truly am, not just a part of who I have become. For I am a survivor ...

Read the rest of the post, it is about surviving and not being controlled by what you have survived.  Longing to be complete, without having to explain yourself and how the past does not cripple me today, and talking about it does not harm me.

Well worth reading.

Books I'm looking forward to

I've been listening to the podcasts from Writing Excuses.  First I got the first three seasons on CD.  Now I have the five season DVD to listen to.  But it has made me appreciate some books more and some authors a lot more.

The Alloy of Law: A Mistborn novel..

Yes, I'm really looking forward to it.  Have already read the on-line chapters, and the cover is close to perfect.  http://apostephen.blogspot.com/2011/09/thud-and-blunder-revisited.html had it partially in mind when I chose the video clip for the post.

Echoes of Betrayal: Paladin's... (Hardcover) by Elizabeth Moon

My wife and I both have really enjoyed this series (back from the first three novels, many, many years ago) and we are looking forward to the next book.


And maybe ...

Honor's Paradox (Kencyrath 6) (Paperback) by P.C. Hodgell

This series has been as drawn out and as long as Jack Vance's Demon Princes novels.  I'm a completest though.

Anyone have a novel that is coming that they are really looking forward to?

Otherwise, as soon as I get a new phone, I'm getting the best available app ;)

http://www.plus14.com/iphone/schlock-mercenary/

Weaponizing mental illness

evil and deluded men ...

I was thinking about that comment in a blog post, and it made me reflect that for the most part, much of what is going on in the world today is weaponizing mental illness.

I realize that there are alternative names for suicide bombers, though the alternatives actually are ones that the bombers would prefer.

But what is significant about so many of them is that they are actually disabled (either systematically or temporarily -- as in suffering from significant grief or depression for the temporarily disabled) and what is going on is that a system for weaponizing mental illness has been developed.

Now that wasn't 9/11.  In 9/11 we now know that most of the terrorists involved did not know that they were expected to die with the planes, that they were really on suicide missions. They thought they were engaged in "catch and release" hijacking (where you hijack a plane, but everyone knows the passengers will be released after you've made your statement so there is no need for security forces to storm the plane and kill you).

But that is what has been going on since then and is very much an untold story.

Short political comment

I noted that my preference in theoretical politics is libertarian marxism.  That is where the state controls the banks and the military/police (including regulatory power) but uses the market for distribution.

In application that means state sponsorship of worker managed industries.  The problem with those is that they run into serious problems when there is a significant rate of technological change.

Given that technological change is good, probably essential, and a hallmark of successful economies, obviously current reality gives my preferred theory a gruesome death.

Which means that I'm obviously looking for a political theory that works, since the one I really like has a huge problem.

You can read more about the general theory by starting with Vanek: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jaroslav_Vanek

I know, on 9/11 I should have a political comment on 9/11, grief communities, shared trauma and shared loss (or how some mass traumas become emblematic, other holocausts are pretty much ignored and relegated to the dustbin of history).

That is beyond me.  So I'm commenting on something where I know I've gone wrong, instead of where someone else may have gone right or wrong.

Peace, on this day and always.

This song always moves me.

Another version I very much like is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux2jJubwQew

But this is a song that has always touched me.

New English Translation (NET) Bible, other matters

They now have a users page to support blogging, etc.

It has been fun to share this edition of the Bible with family, friends and my children.  We have it on I-touch/I-phones at home, in print and, of course, on-line.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I was asked about false friends.  The type that you leave the room and they will be on your boyfriend's lap (or have pulled your girl friend on their lap), nibbling on ears, and "just playing." People who intentionally stalk you down just to disrupt your life.  I've wondered as everysooften I meet someone who has a problem with someone like that. I've never dealt with it myself, I lack the right life experience to deal with someone with that sort of mental illness.

I know, intellectually, that there is an entire class of people, the sociopaths and the narcissists.  The only author I read who addressed them was Tepper wrote should just be killed at birth.  I've been appalled at that thought, and at her revenge porn (just like some writing is sexual pornography, some is violence pornography, she writes revenge pornography -- and has a book about how pornography is not just sexual), but I find myself lost for advice.  Obviously I can't point to a parable of that sort for a solution.

So I'm blogging and asking for solutions. What advice would  you give someone who was plagued by one of those psychic vampires?  Real advice rather than something drawn from moralizing science fantasy.  Thanks. Just thinking about that client (in the last post) made me think about other human monsters and I figured I'd look for something to learn so the next time I run into someone asking about how to deal with one, I'll have something to be able to say.

Relative Innocence

I once consulted on a capital murder case where the accused was, I believe, innocent of the crime he was accused of, a simple murder in the course of a burglary.  The real reason everyone knew he was innocent is that he always raped the women he murdered in the course of burglaries.  This person had not been raped, only murdered.

But it made me think of relative innocence -- not to mention, that the "deep, dark secrets" so many people hold to not hold a candle to the real darkness that is out there.  Guess there is relative darkness too.

Just remembering and pondering, a little.

Affirmations

Several things. 

First, I've moved my comments on writing off of this blog and over to my occasional "off-topic" blog at http://apostephen.blogspot.com/

Second, a new set of affirmations.

• I can love those whom God loves.
• God loves me and I can love myself.
• God's healing can not harm me.
• I can accept God's Work and Glory.
• I can accept God's love.

Third, I'm going to start work on a law review article about criminal law and social structure.  I have a co-writer, but I need to get most of it roughed out (which I've somewhat done, need to get it into a modern computer file, and clean it up and they have a semester of school to finish before they'll have time).  Been a long time since I actually discussed much of the heart of this article (which was in a different form) with Piers Anthony, back in the day when we corresponded.  It is time to get that done.  Ethics and ADR can get revisited later.

I've been thinking a lot, just not writing much.  Reading a lot though.  And remembering how much I love so many people.

My favorite reframing memory

Reframing things can be a powerful tool.  I've had two times when reframing made a significant difference.

The first involved two of my nephews.  There was a book I wanted written for them.  In my mind I knew just the author to write it, someone with over a million volumes in print and scores of titles.  I approached them and suggested that they write the book.  Silly man, she said, I've been trying to get an editor to publish that book for twenty years.  She even sent me a short volume (what I would call a proof of concept, I'm not sure what real writers call them).

I reframed the project by giving it a different name, wrote one of her editors and asked if they had ever thought of asking for a book like that from her.  Within a month she got a contact through her agent asking her if she would consider writing a book ... I sent the nephews copies.

The other was a friend who noted that there are many people who can cut someone to the quick with an insult that lingers forever (or slightly longer).  She said people ought to try to do the thing with compliments.  I've tried to do that, from time to time, ever since.  She was right, it does seem to be harder, but it also seems to be more worthwhile.

One of those times I succeeded in reframing something that had eluded someone else for twenty years.  The other, someone reframed things for me in a way that has lingered with me for many years.

Obviously I don't get that lucky that often -- or I would have more memories of powerful and significant reframing experiences.  But I'm grateful for those two.

Writing Excuses Podcasts -- comments, thoughts, a short review.

Fifteen minutes long, because you're in a hurry, and we're not that smart.

I was given the first three seasons on CD as a gift for Christmas.  I'm just listening to them now.  I'm midway through the first CD (all the podcasts are available, both podcast and transcript, for free at http://www.writingexcuses.com/ ).

From the first, I now know that if I want to pitch a YA novel, my letter should go:

Everyone knows what happens if you find out that you are a king's daughter raised by peasants.  But what if you are in the king's family and find out you are a peasant's daughter?

First paragraph of my story should read:

Ok.  Lets be honest.  I get eaten at the beginning of the next chapter, so you may wonder how I'm around for the entire book.  Well, that is what this story is about.

And I'll need several sections of second person imperative, which, after all, is what my character will be doing for a time after they have been eaten (telling a story through the perspective of the second person imperative commands they were forced to give).

Well, kind of.  They warn you against rhetorical questions in submission letters, note that YA is probably not the place for a book where the protagonist gets eaten in the second chapter, and discuss how you can't write in the second person imperative.

I found it inspiring.  Decided I'd really like to talk to the editor they had on-board, though that is probably because I don't have a book I'm writing, don't plan to write a book, and what YA editors are thinking and doing is important in my eleven year old daughter's life.

So far I can recommend everything but the bonus material.

What I wish .. Mission Presidents

To start with, I have not the slightest idea of how mission presidents are trained or oriented now.  This is really about how I wish some of them had been given the chance to think thirty years ago.

Day one, for orientation, have them read the essay Pillars of My Faith and then write down three comments they would make to the author.  Follow that by reading some comments with approval and explaining that some comments if they were made after training were completed would be cause to send a mission president home.

Then present some case studies of toxic cultures that arose and ask how those reflect on the mission presidents and what do those present think the training needs to include or teach to avoid each of the toxic mission cultures.

Then start normal training after a discussion of fiduciary duty and how it is owed to the elders and sisters a mission president is called to lead and care for.

(All of that said, from other discussions about things people wish were taught in training, I rather expect that this sort of thing is covered -- the things that people have complained about vis a vis other settings and issues actually were taught, people just did not learn.  So, this is just a thought exercise, combining ignorance with wishful thinking.).

What would you add to the list for what you would like a mission president called to care for your son or daughter to have been taught?  Better, of the things they are taught, what would you like for them to have learned and remember?

Remembering the love of God

It is important to seek God's view of ourselves from time to time.  For me, it often brings to mind places I need to improve, changes I need to make.

But very often, for those who have self loathing and self hatred, it brings them to repentance, to an acceptance that if God loves them, then perhaps they can love themselves.  I have been struck at times by just how much God approves of some people -- and it has caused me to revise my thoughts of being critical of them.  If God approves, who am I to be critical?  For those who are self-critical, they often need to ask themselves the same question.

Just thinking of that as I read: The Cure for Self-Hatred


Also just read a very moving post: Pillars of My Faith

Both posts are worth reading.

Back from vacation, grateful for rain.

Got to see my mom on her mission and to take her to dinner and go to church with her.  Otherwise, on this vacation, I spent most of it visiting family.  Got to see Heather, Mike and Robin at BYU, my in-laws and Kelly the cat in Washington, and my brother-in-law George and his wife and children in Washington as well.  So very busy, but very much worth seeing everyone.

Got to see one of the mice visiting Heather's new place (until the landlord took care of that).

http://www.wheatandtares.org/2011/08/04/guys-v-gals-cute-and-cuteness/ is my link for the week.

I've several posts I'd like to write, but no time to write them.  I'm glad to be back though, and grateful for the rain.

Thoughts on EFY

I ran across a post about "How EFY Promotes Immodesty." Now I have a strong dislike for bathos and sentimentality.  I grew up in trailerparks and below the poverty line and definitely on the wrong end of most social divides.  But I am aware that -- as pointed out in http://www.wheatandtares.org/2011/07/21/reflections-on-efy/ -- that the Church is providing financial support for attendance at EFY in Europe and the United States.  I'm also aware that the policy in question being attacked by the OP was, as noted by Ardis " that provision in the EFY brochure was intended to ban the grungy, slovenly, deliberately disreputable clothing that fashion sometimes dictates for teens, not the neatly mended but well worn clothing that a lot of us have to wear."

The commentary on the post, other than Naismith, (and, of course, Ardis), turned mostly into a hostile attack on the EFY program as some sort of dividing line between rich and poor, a modern return to the full panoply of sins that brought down the Nephites in the Book of Mormon, with comments such as "If EFY is so important and essential, why isn’t it part of the church program worldwide" pretty much summing it up.

Of course, as my initial link to WheatandTares.org and the post on EFY points out, EFY is becoming part of the Church program worldwide and so I pointed that out, and pointed out that official budgetary support for those of modest means would have made the original post a bit more accurate -- after all, the post was claiming that EFY made people immodest in that it was for the proud and uplifted and those of great financial means when the truth was different.

The response to my making that point was for the comments to be closed.

Which occurred just as I was about to do a longer comment on the entire thread, post and comments.

So, are there elements about EFY that natively rub me the wrong way.  Of course.

But does a prohibition on grunge look clothing, in the context of the program as administered, really result so that "the EFY dress standards have unfortunately missed the mark on being “modest” in the older sense of “humble or unpretentious."

I don't think so.

Part of the problem is that it is hard to complain.  The original post may very well have meant that because the intent of the guideline was not properly framed and footnoted, it could be misunderstood, with bad results.  Further, like many posts, it could have been a quick throwaway observation.  But getting comments closed on me, which is generally considered a slap in the face -- "with you, the comments have lost all relevance" -- struck me wrong.

But what is the taxonomy of complaints?

1. Legitimate -- something is wrong here and it has surfaced again, there is a need for change.  Often presented with a solution (for example, at law school, I found out after graduation that there was a group that was typing up cheat sheets in the same color as the scratch paper and carrying them into tests with their typewriters.  I pointed that out to the law school with the observation that if they just changed the color of the scratch paper from time to time the cheat sheets would suddenly become obvious).
2. Compulsive mental illness -- rarer than you would think, but much to easy to have a complaint sound like the writer has obsessive compulsive disorder triggered by something.  The "I encountered xyz and thereafter cried for days, and every time I think about it I am swallowed up in angst" type of complaint shows up a lot in dealing with mentally ill people (who every leader ends up encountering).  To be heard it helps to avoid that pattern.
3. Compulsive snarkers.  People who are just constant nitpickers. In any high priest group you usually have a couple, often entertaining with good hearts.  Give you the shirt off their backs, and note that you aren't wearing it right. ;)
4. Thematic.  People who have adopted a cause, and thereafter have a stream of advice and complaints that circle around that as a theme.  E.g. "everything would be fine in the Church if we were all just Republicans (or Democrats or Feminists or Vegetarians or ...)."  Sometimes funny (nothing like someone who feels cocoa should be added to the Word of Wisdom, or that only whole grain bread is appropriate for man to eat and who tries to tie everything into that theme.  Their response to the EFY thread would be to state that you could solve all the EFY problems by just using whole wheat flour in every food served).
5. People in pain.  Some people complain out of their pain, which is often rubbed wrong by many things.
6. People looking for an excuse to analyze and talk about something (hmm, that could well apply to this post and the one I am discussing as well).  Nothing bad in that, but nothing that cries out for anyone to take them seriously or to treat what they say as a real complaint that requires a response.
7. Bullies, who are using a complaint as an excuse to try and push people around.  

You can see the problem.  There are a chorus of reasons people complain.  For those who hear complaints it can drown out the legitimate complaints.  I've written about "on being heard" -- on complaining so that someone hears what you are saying.

Anyway, I don't have any complaints about EFY that I feel are worth the effort of being heard.  I've seen it do a great deal of good.  So. Yes.  I know poverty, I've lived it, I've been there. Yes, I don't like schmaltz.  Do I think it promotes immodesty -- given the full context?  No.  As a result, do I think my comments showed that the topic was exhausted and that there was nothing useful to say?  Nope.  I think the comments I made actually reflected why the OP was off course and should have been the beginning of a real discussion.

So, this post, which I don't expect to cause any changes. Especially since I'm on vacation, and the down time elements where I have (a) internet access and (b) time to use it, are both probably coming to an end.   

---

For comparison:http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/jamesdelingpole/100099194/seven-types-of-troll-a-spotters-guide/

Resilience -- a great list

I ran across this and really liked it.

1. Get Connected- You know, make friends and then make more friends. Probably not a bad idea.

2. Keep a Journal- Do you think a blog no one reads would count?

3. Take Care of Yourself- Not as easy as it sounds, but I think this one is worth the effort and it should pay off in the long run, whether it builds resiliency or not.

4. Remain Hopeful- Find something good in every day. This builds gratitude and helps maintain a healthy perspective.

5. Take Action- Don't wait for things to change to suit you, but rather seek to change them to meet your needs. Make a plan and start taking active steps towards your goals.

That post has more useful information than all of

You're Stronger Than You Think: Tapping into the Secrets of Emotionally Resilient People by Peter A. Ubel (Mar 29, 2006)

 

At least as far as recovery goes.  Now, I got what I needed for a brief in some litigation from the book, but not much for giving anyone advice.

 

A blog on logic fallacies

Who can resist someone talking about Ignoratio Elenchi?

http://pix2brix.com/ -- worth a visit

Thinking about Bibles

Yesterday, while we were on the way to Church, our eleven year old interrupted us with a "you've got to read this."  We had her read it to us.  She had just finished Matthew Chapter 6 and had to share it.

Of course they had read it a couple of weeks ago at Church.  Not the same impact.  She's smart (three standard deviations above her class's norm on her latest assessment scores), but two weeks ago it was the King James (which I love for its poetic flavor).  Sunday it was a modern translation.

NET Bible Noteless (on her itouch)

She kept reading, engrossed, all through Sacrament meeting.

I've seriously rethought my feelings on the King James based on that experience.  I love the flavor and the poetry, but to see her just enraptured in the scriptures, that was a significant moment for me.

Vivah, movies

Ok, we saw this at the Plano public library and brought it home along with another movie that the staff recommended.  The version we watched was in Hindi with English sub-titles. 2007 copyright.

Wiki summary at:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vivah

The one we watched had a different cover than these two covers (which apparently are the ones for the American export versions):

Vivah

Vivah

Those are links to two of the three English translations (the one I have not provided a link to is a print on demand service that often is reported to botch the prints of the DVDs).  Really enjoyed watching it with Win this morning.  Reminded me of falling in love with my wife.  Though, honestly, we did end up kvetching during some of the hospital scenes (all oxygen tanks are green -- it is an international standard.  If someone is hooked up to a tank of a different color, inquiring minds want to know just what is in it.  I know more than I want to know about burn victims, etc., air beds and such.  But who watches a Ballywood movie for an accurate depiction of a burn victim?).

The other movie we kind of saw, parts of, was Get Him to the Greek.  It was just too much, so we bailed on it before it got started, really.  Read the Amazon reviews, I'm impressed by the guy who at least got two minutes in.  For the Wiki Summary http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Get_Him_to_the_Greek

You know, every so often I get talked into a Ballywood movie.  Some are a lot of fun.  Some leave me with a "huh??" or "thank goodness I was able to take a nap during the movie" feeling. I liked Vivah, was glad I'd seen it.  The other, at least we did not pay or spend any time on a download or waiting on Neflicks for it. ;)

On intellectuals

So, there was a recent thread on "intellectuals" where the starting post noted that the word:

it connotes not intelligence (a word with its own Mormon history), but a certain kind of attitudinal disorder.  Indeed, I have since learned that to qualify among the Saints as an intellec-chal requires neither grades, nor credentials, nor learning, nor for that matter, intellect, but only the disturbing symptoms of a too objective or analytical distance, a kind of willful autism of the spirit ...

 

That original essay (which the quote comes from) led to an excellent post (which is where the quote links to, not the original). Kristine realized that "intellectual gifts, like most of what we bring to the altar, are not nearly as valuable as we think they are" and "Perhaps we need to be told exactly what to sacrifice because we aren’t very good at recognizing what is valuable. Maybe Paul’s description of gifts within the body of Christ isn’t just about other people’s gifts that we wrongly think are less worthy than our own, but about our estimation of what it is we ourselves have to offer."  [cf "brilliance"]

Which leads to my Wheat and Tares post for today, one that is recycled from a post at this blog, but which fits very much into the current discussion: http://www.wheatandtares.org/2011/07/07/trusting-god-in-spite-of-confusion/ -- not only are you probably not as bright as you think you are, most of us are probably confused as well.  I know I often am, more than I realize.

Persistence of Vision

There is a short story, with a longer name than just "Persistence of Vision" but it evokes the feeling of things that endure.  I have to admit I am always amazed at the endurance of emotional resonances in my life.

For example, while Robin was born on July 6 and died on August 31, I still associate the 4th of July and Labor Day with her birth and death and emotionally they hit me on those days rather than the "real" ones.

The other thing about emotion is that it is one thing to read and hear that the emotion of loss will linger, to have recounted David O. McKay's wife's story about how as a grandmother she stll felt the death of her infant son, quite another to experience that loss and pain persist.  They become more endurable, more acclimated, even more distant, in a way, but there is a persistence.

This fourth of July week end brings joy, and rest, and peace and pain.  But above all else, hope persists as well.