Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Finding myself in the midst of my life

Sometimes it is interesting to find myself in my life.  I'm used to an emotional ebb and flow that goes with specific dates or holidays that have migrated themselves.  December 26 and January 26 as days children died.  Valentines day, before and after.  (Jessica and Courtney were born two days before and two days after Valentines, they died January 26 and December 26).  Robin managed to emotionally migrate to the 4th of July and Labor Day for me.

But it is also easy to think that those dates limit the times I'm emotionally vulnerable, to lose myself and my reactions to history and the calendar.

Recently I had a friend admitted to the hospital with an aneurism and emerging bleed.  Usually that means direct admission to surgery.  I checked into the hospital where he was (I happened to be right down the street when I got the news).  He wasn't listed.  They were gentle with me, the diagnosis he had and not finding him usually means that he did not live long enough to be admitted.

Turns out there was a typographical error with his name.  Even better, the brain aneurism was of a rare type and the bleed had stopped and (after a significant time in the hospital) he resolved without surgery at all.

We've been busy at work.  I've been working the equivalent of two full extra days a week for the past little while (up from significantly over).  And no, I don't get overtime or even comp time, so it is just extra work that has to be done, really long hours that have to be completed.

As for the Tourette's syndrome issues,well, we recently had a significant improvement in medication results.  Very recently.  I'm pleased (so far), though I could wish for a lot more.  Still very time consuming.  I sometimes feel like a large sheep dog in the mornings.

But, since it wasn't Labor Day or Christmas or my wedding anniversary (January 26 just happens to be that day) or the 4th of July ... I did not see myself as being emotionally vulnerable, just busy.  Had someone comment (as I explained why I was busy, and perhaps not thinking deeply enough in what was really a social situation) ... that perhaps what I was expressing as time consuming was expressing things that were emotionally impacting.

Suddenly (before I discovered that Mike was going to recover without dieing or major function loss -- we had a close family friend who was a neurosurgeon when I was growing up -- he left the field because all of his "successes" were really just a different form of failure other than death) I realized that I might be having emotionally stressing events that weren't related to the calendar.

I found a part of myself in the midst of the busyness of life.  In all the time consumption I had lost sight of the fact that there are other emotional events and stresses other than the ones that I take for granted in my personal calendar.   That I'm still reacting and affected by things.  My dad's death, other events, other stresses of life.

Still digesting that.  Still tempted to withdraw from some time commitments and some parts of life.  But also able to reach out and find parts of myself, acknowledge what I am feeling and doing and stressed by.  Finding me in the middle of what is my life.

1 comment:

Amber said...

I don't really know what to say. I have been poking around on your website to learn a little bit more about you and your losses, and found myself crying for a good hour. A good cry. While you are living life, and going through the emotional ups and downs, I am struck by how open and honest you are. I haven't experienced loss like you have--I had three miscarriages-- yet I find myself relating to much of what you say. I am so very sorry for all your and your family's losses.