Sunday, August 17, 2008

A useful connection between 12 Step Programs and Grief

I really have enjoyed reading twelve (12) step material. I had hoped it would give me a new perspective on grief and recovery. For the most part 12 step material has turned out not to have much cross-over at all (which is why there are so few blog posts using the material). It turns out that the issues are very different.

One place they have it right is in having people who are still in the turmoil of recovery assist or sponsor those who are just beginning the process. There is an immediacy that creates a connection that aids in healing. I recently went through another step in healing and realized that while I can listen and share experience, faith and hope, I lack the immediacy that creates such a connection in the community.

There are those who are now far better than I to console, to listen, to share with someone who has lost a child. In fact, the strength of Compassionate Friends (a grief support group that has no connection to 12 step programs or much of anything else) is that there are always those there who have an immediacy to there sorrow. If a child dies, they are always available, always share the knowledge and the experience that others do not.

For me, I've healed too much to be of as much use as others can be, and are. Some have noticed the change in my blog's title (though I made it some time ago, with a post). Grief is with me, but it only informs me in a lesser part. I'm grateful for the healing and for the hope it allows me to share. At the same time, the healing renders me less relevant to a group that has been such a core part of my life for so long.

It is good to realize that I am replaced, for reasons that create hope and give me freedom. The dead are not forgotten. I'm not "over" grief. But ... but, I am healed to another stage, renewed and progressed to another level, for which I am grateful.

Thank you God.

I also actually also owe some thanks to a troll (you can read some of the troll's writing, such as it is, here). Reading the compulsive rants I realized that instead of feeling angry or even annoyed, I found myself thinking about why the rants did not affect me and where I was and how I had changed. I'm grateful for where my life is and for the grace that has come to it.

1 comment:

Stephen said...

My comments to the troll, basically summarize there as follows:

Silly troll. If you had ever checked any facts or any background you would realize that of all the things I've written and published, I've never sold a single article on grief or death issues.

From your writing and comments I can deduce:

1. You can't write worth a flip and have a narrow imagination.

2. You are completely out of touch with reality or the facts.

If you had any skill or patience you could have checked traffic statistics for my blog. You would have noted that grief/death related posts always draw the least attention and page views.

Think about it. I don't even have a paypal link on the grief part of my web site and on the book links I suggest that people ought to get them via inter-library loan and not buy anything until they decide it is worth keeping.

Obviously, I don't blog on death or dying issues because it draws attention and I don't write on them for money.

Now why a pathetic loser such as you is so compulsively fixated I haven't the slightest.

You haven't any courage to disclose who you are, you don't have any links to any writing you've done other than in this thread, which is scarcely something to write home about, and you don't seem to have any significant imagination or skill.

Why don't you get some therapy, or a dose of reality? It is getting tedious to deal with your rants that are so off from reality I sometimes wonder if there is a good reason your names are legion.

Or at least pick a legitimate reason to rant at me. Attack my ADR writing, the publisher who wants a book on negotiation from me, flaws in my waza, the fact that I've been an editor (surely that alone should give you lots of reason for anger) or that I'm a lawyer.

But when you take tendentious slants on things that have nothing to do with reality, like how I'm profiting from personal tragedy when I've turned down television appearances based on it and have turned down the chance to write for money on it, you kind of lose any grasp on things.

Heck, complain about my grief advice if you would like. If you found holes in it, that would sting, as I'm only blogging on the topic (and giving up traffic) because people tell me it helps them.

Legitimate criticism that could demonstrate that I'm not only using time away from things that make me money or draw attention, but failing to do any good, that would sting.

But silly insults that don't rise to what I heard in junior high school and crying about my doing things I haven't been doing, that only suggests that you need to get a life.


Stephen M (Ethesis)

Made me realize what mattered to me and what doesn't.

I'll note that the troll came back and called me fat. Guess he missed that I have kept the weight off that I lost.

But really, what he really missed is that he is lost, and I and others are clueless on how to help him.

I wish him insight, so that he can escape what he currently is and can become something better.