Monday, January 08, 2007

I wish you continued happiness...

Some one said that in the comments, and I really appreciated the thought.

It is what I'm feeling these days, not sure it is worth blogging about, but it is a lot more pleasant than the alternatives.


Barb said...

Well, I posted a comment but my server is acting up so I will try again and maybe even be more succinct. :)

I think this a wonderful subject to blog about.

I know that when I believe someone is sincere just saying something as simple as, "I hope you are well," "God bless," or "thank you" can mean so much. Maybe this is indictative of something strange in me, but I treasure up such statements in storage for when I am down or paranoid about human nature. And it helps so much.

I appreciate your letting me vent a lot here. I think I am past using this as my personal 12 step forum. But thank you for being receptive. I have worn my heart on my sleave at times at blogs and been ignored. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I even cried in regards to one such time that I felt shunned. It is not like I am looking for anything more that a small acknowlegement rather than feeling like a freak for sharing as nobody said anything directly related to me. I understand that is the nature of blogging and threads move on. But still, it makes you wonder if you are welcome. Also, I have felt ignored on blogs when I was trying to iniatate a dialgoue on a subject of interest such as language. While I do not expect a response to everything I say and know blogging does not work like that, I took that as a hint in the context that I was not wanted.

But you have made me feel welcome as different as I might seem. I really don't think I am all that different. I can just be a little impulsive or exhuberent or emotional at times.

I by no means expect a response to my every comment. You certainly have not done that. But you have made me feel welcome here. I don't get out much and so this is like a social life for me. I do socialize when I am at work and talk a lot on the phone and every once in a while go someplace with my family though it is usually by being kidnapped. I try to get out of social events when possible due to my condition. But I am a social person these days and enjoy blogs as they fill the gap.

Well, this is probably less succinct, but you have probably noticed that about me. I hope I have not been to open about things that should be either unsaid or tacit. I have a degree in Communications, but that does not mean that I know all the norms out there.

Most of all, thank you for your friendship.

Barb said...

Feeling a little sheepish here after that post. You make one little comment about continued happiness and I go off on a mile long tangent. Please just ignore my comments and don't respond.

I pledge to try to be more of whatever passes for normal in the future.

Stephen said...

Barb, your comments are fine, don't worry.

Barb said...

Stephen, I appreciate you saying not to worry.

Maren said...

That is nice, I like that.

Barb said...

Stephen, I want to turn over a new leaf and not talk about ocd or abuse in my life. I really don't like talking about those things with people I know in person. Although I run my worries by my parents constantly so they can reassure me things are okay or safe. But I don't like talking about my feelings.

Blogging makes it so easy to open up. But just as in life, you don't always get the response that you want.

I know the difference between facts and inferences despite the fact that I can be hyper sensitive when I think people do not like me.

But I really need to concentrate on a lot of things.

I will try not to be self-absorbed. A late New Year's Resolutions. But it is still January.

Stephen, this is a cool blog. I really could not embarass myself too much further than what I have already done on your blog so I am hoping in my round about way that I have cleaned things up a bit. However, I know my excessive talking and explaining things surely comes across as indicative of an unbalanced person.

And I will have to be okay with the fact that people may think that about me and also the fact that it obviously has more than a grain of truth to it.

I don't really need much to make me feel included. If people just say Barb now and again, that makes me feel I belong. And if a blog were to ignore me, then I would go on my way and find another blog where I am made to feel I belong. Thankfully, there are such places.

I'm not really as insecure as I must seem.

Barb said...

Stephen, just a quick note if that is possible with me when I try to clarify things. We shall soon see. First, any issues I addressed were actually not related to you. I have thought about saying them in a public way for a time. Some people obviously have hurt me, which is not hard when someone is easily offended as me. I still think a lot of these people. But, I do not feel I can write them individually to know that they hurt me some. That would only reinforce to them that I am unbalanced. So instead I showed just how unbalanced I am on your blog. But you have been so nice and I thank you. Please just act like normal when I comment. Do not feel a need to address me or anything. Do not feel you have to respond to anything I say any more than you usually would. I only know you from this blog and all but I would hate to ruin whatever socialization I get from being here and responding to what you say or what others say to what you say etc by acting strangely. I have been tempted just to go into lurking status as I am thorougly embarassed. I am not in the same emotional state as I was when I orignally posted. So just treat me as usual or if you want ignore me, I will still try to make comments that are respectful and appropriate either way. Though some have hurt me, I am trying to get past all that. I am just grateful that some people actually seem to like me. One of them even lets me guest blog on her blog. I would feel really sorry for someone who has met with only rejection every where they go and that did not have any friends. I am not lonely by any means. And how glad I am of that. Okay, I have said what I wanted to say.

Sarebear said...

Barb, I hope I'm not one who has hurt you . . . I have been not very responsive on my blog for awhile . . . . you've probably noticed.

You mean alot to me though.

I came over here to say Hi Stephen, and I hope you are doing well, I haven't been over to your blog in a long time, as I've been going through stuff. Like the Social Security Hearing, in front of a real judge w/a real lawyer and everything (lol). Among other things.

Anyway, it was nice to see you over at my blog, Stephen, and you Barb, when you come. Please email me Barb. Tell me whatever you need to; friends work out issues between them and I won't think the less of you for if you were hurt or anything. I know I have plenty of issues of being not so stable and such myself, anyway. Not that I'm saying you aren't.

Hey Stephen, handing the blog back to you (hee hee!)

Barb said...

I have to take back my promise not to discuss certain subjects. This is not related to anything that you posted about but I find this about as good of place as any to share a recent conversation with my dad.

I do not like to bring up ocd with people outside of my family. I had one friend for a few years at work before I ever mentioned that I have the disorder. I don't know if he was being sweet, but he said he did not notice. Another person who was getting a Master's in Counseling thought something was going on with me. I think he may have had it too from some of his behavior. But I hardly discuss ocd with anyone other than my parents. And with them, it is not usually sharing how I feel with the disorder but normally what I am worried about. I run things by them all the time for them to hopefully assure me that things are only in my head and that a reasonable person would not think what I am thinking. Sometimes they get irritated with me naturally.

My dad told me not to bother my mom with all my ocd concerns. I also am always telling them to not walk by me or near me as I do not like direct contact with anybody due to my ocd.

My dad told me that my mom does not deserve my treatment. I wish I could stop it, but it helps me survive. I told him that he did not deserve it either. He said that it doesn't bother him like it does her. Well, I know he can get very frustrated. Other times he thinks it is funny.

He told me that it doesn't bother him as it does my mom because he likes to make a study of weirdness.

Sarebear said...

Barb! How unkind of your father to say that. I can't even imagine how you feel, to be treated so.

Barb said...

Sarebear, that is sweet of you to say.

I really didn't think it was cruel. Cruel is when he screams at me profanities and tells me how worthless and lazy I am. Unfortunatley, with my ocd there is a lot of truth to that these days. But he does not yell too much these days. He can be so nice as well.

When he calls me stupid, it is almost a term of endearment the way he says it.

Don't get me wrong he has told me I was smart when I would get straight A's in College and wanted to get a Masters.

But he likes to find opportunities to tell me and the world that we are idiots. And that does not bother me so much as I no longer internalize it like I did when I was younger and did not have the filter of experience.

I actually thought it was cute when he said that he liked to study my weirdness. He said it in a cute tone of voice.

But seriously, I am glad that somebody likes anything about me as annoying as I can be with my ocd.

Barb said...

My above comments probably do not give a fair representation of the majority of my life. Most of the times are very good. So good I am spoiled good. We get along good. We joke and have fun good.

Then, there are some fleeting bad times. You hope it is not a pattern. There has not been a pattern to equal of what it used to be like though sometimes you think it might head that way.

And you know you have received a lot of deliverance compared to what things used to be like.

So much for not using this as a 12 Step forum.

Seriously, if anything I say bothers you let me know, Stephen.

I really am able to take feedback if it is done nicely.

And I should add that one might think with my ocd, possible learning disabilities, possible attention deficit disorder, years of mental abuse(not sure if one would label emotional or psychological, my inability to drive or navigate in the world in general, my inability to take care of myself and reliance on my mom to even help me get out the door, rely on parents to take care of all basic needs that I would have the lowest of low self-esteems. Maybe I should be ashamed of myself. When my ocd gets bad and I don't know if I can chalk it up to being in my head until I get a chance to run it by somebody, and that usually means waiting to tell my parents, then I am raw and feel lower than low. And when my mom is in pain and she has to help me, then I feel evil. I am so glad she is not in as severe of pain as she was.

Despite all of my flaws, I probably like myself too much. And despite being told how stupid I am and all my above mentioned disabilities and also how I get information overload very easily, I actually think I am very smart. I didn't used to think that when I did so poorly on my high school exam to be placed in Vocational Ed classes.

However, my analytical abilities have increased and my skills at logic. I think I need all these problems to keep me from being completely arrogant. Then, nobody would like me.

Also, I get humbled once and a while as mentioned when I feel rejected. Rejection is rare for me. I know it is common with mental illness. Maybe that is why it surprises me. Plus, I take accountability. If I did not send them such long emails that were series or post where the subject matter did not quite fit, then they may not have rejected me.

But I am starting to accept things more and more. After all, I would not want to be forced to be friends with someone that I do not consider a friends. I like to be able to pick my friends. And when it is a mutual feeling, that is great.

But I am pretty darn independent too. And I am pretty happy too because I vent so much on blogs. :)