oh my god please help me. please. I stumbled across your blog accidentally. I read your about me statement and I have been crying ever since. I have one child. the absolute love of my life. He has not died, but god I just know he is going to. No! He's not going to, there is no reason for him to and oh god he just can't.
I'm not making any sense. My father was murdered when I was two. I may have seen it, I don't know because no one ever has talked about it but I do know I was in the house. My stepfather was abusive in every way a monster can be abusive. My mother was depressed and fairly abusive too. I lost my father, I lost my childhood, and I have lost myself. I'm 33 now, and my son is 3.
I get comments to my blog e-mailed to me, it is an option in blogger. I couldn't find where this comment was left, or I would have responded to it there.
If you have this sort of problem, of course you need a professional.
Next, two things I can recomment.
First, http://www.oa.org/ (If you had actually lost a child, I'd suggest Compassionate Friends) But in your situation, find a free, local group (they are all free) and let them tell you "welcome home." Yes, they are, on the surface, about compulsive eating (for both the overweight and the anorexic/bulimic), but what they are really about is recovery, acceptance and serenity.
Second, Feeling Good by David D. Burns. Your library will have it (and Amazon has used copies for 4-5 dollars. I'm mailing another copy to a friend today). Cognitive therapy has helped a lot of people when nothing else would. Also, helping many, is Adult Children of Alcoholics -- at every libary.
I wish I could do more for your pain. I am so sorry about all the terrible things that have happened to your past. But there is hope, there is a future. Quite frankly, that is the real reason I blog.