Saturday, January 19, 2013

Living with Grief

When Jessica first died, I had sent to me a quote from David O. McKay's wife about how, in her 80s, she and another lady talked about how the grief of losing a child, having them die before you, never really pases.

It is one thing to read about that sort of thing, another to experience it as life goes on.

I also read, from time to time, of the grief rituals that people and their extended family have.  Families that gather around a date involving the death of a child.  Then I think of my family, where we are scattered across states rather than across a few towns or a metroplex area.  And multiple deaths.

At times it seems surreal.  Sorry.  I'm not ready to be someone with a tragic backstory.  Especially someone who seems so normal, so pedestrian.  I look at my wife and think, sometimes, but you are too gorgeous, too level headed, too professional to have a multiple incident tragic backstory.  Sorry, it just doesn't fit.

I know, it is the season.

I know, unexpected triggers.  Watched the wrong television show and was overwhelmed at the end.  Posted to facebook without thinking.  First comment was ... "spoilers" ... so I deleted the comment after I got over crying.

I hadn't thought.  Then I was abashed that after all this time coping with grief, I could still be overwhelmed enough to slip.

Time to go back to sleep.  I've a meeting at 7:00 to go to.  It is going to be a full day.

3 comments:

Beverly Pendley said...

Well Steve I worked with you during all of this time and watched while you and Win endured the unspeakable grief of losing your 3 precious daughters. I don't think I know anyone who would have had the faith to survive that except you and Win. You both are very strong and have great Faith. Also your relationship helped to get you through it and I am sure continues to get you both through each day. None of us who experienced this with you will ever forget what you all went through and never will. Love you & Win!

Stephen said...

Ah Beverly. You were so kind. Even now.

We love you too.

Mormon Heretic said...

Steve, my sister died 13 years ago, and my brother almost 6. I still think about them every day. Certain movies dealing with death are very difficult for me, and often my wife just doesn't understand until it's too late. I feel your pain.