Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Real losses

Not that past losses are not real. But current ones tug at the heart so much. My daughter was out helping to search for the senior at BYU who bicycled up to Bridal Veil falls and went hiking. She isn't the one who found the body, where the poor girl fell when she slipped.

Yes, current losses wash out older ones. In a way that is a kindness, in a way that is life. There is always a tragedy. The Armenian genocide gives way to the Jewish genocide which gives way to all the African genocides. The cycle repeats, instead of "never again" it seems like "always again."

The things that are written large are also written small. Someone asked my secretary at work what it was like dealing with family members who have degenerative problems. My secretary's mom went through that. (I was silent, I haven't spoken much about how my dad is going through the same thing). Most people do go through a decline at the end, either in the long or the short run. It is part of the cycle of life. Though I hope that when my time comes I escape dementia and endless pain. Those seem the hardest to me, as I see them from the outside.




I also hope to be as worthy of love as my Dad. I cherish him so, especially now.

3 comments:

Barb said...

I wanted to comment earlier, but you had you were only allowing google accounts of blogger accounts to comment.

First, in regards to an earlier post where you said that people were harassing you and telling you that you needed to blog about a 9/11, I feel that an individual's blog should refect the individual and what they want to say. You have a right to share what you want to share about grief or other subjects as you see fit. And there are many who appreciate what you decide to say. Also, many benefit from your words. I will comment more in a moment.

Barb said...

With major disasters such as 9/11 and Katrina, I found myself engulphed in thinking that that was all the suffering that mattered in the world. Especially with 9/11, it felt to me like other loss did not matter to the degree that that loss mattered whether it was from a random act of violence or a disease such as cancer. I did not like the lack of control in my life towards progressing that I felt and think that the apoclyptic nature of those events accounted from my strange obsession with them though I was far removed. I did talk to some people directly effected through my work, but I was very far removed from it in any real sense.

I do think that the Holocast continues to hold a place in the minds of the people as a horror that we hope to never be repeated. Stalin did perhaps far greater atrocities, but they were not filmed or reported to the Masses.

I worry that my coping mechanism when things or more than I can handle could turn to being desensitized.

It does touch my heart when people search for those missing or seek to rescue peoople. I remember thinking that the efforts were vain when people were searching for Elizabeth Smart as I believed if she were alive that she would be long gone from that area. After she was found, I believe that I learned that she kept below ground near where rescue efforts were. And later, she was in open site but due to survivor mechansims did not seek to flee.

Barb said...

I too fear the possibility of dementia in my future. My grandpa seemed to have little or no recognition of visitors to his home even minutes later. He was still very much an adult in the sense that he could hold conversations and say socially appropriate comments. He would not be able to give current event comments, but could provide a relevant comment based on general knowledge. He also had his wit to the end. If I get dementia, I hope to be able to use my sense of humor like Grandpa. If he did not know a man's name, he would jokingly call them George and I think he would call the women George too and sometimes Mabel. He was not usually aware of his dementia at that stage. We do not know if he even realized when he was becoming more senile. He seemed to not have the early stages as some do and his social skills may have hid his problems. When he was interviewed by a doctor, he said that he did things that he did not at the time such as laundry and paying bills. My mom said that was not the case and the doctor did not seem to understand that someone could lie about such. I would think it would have raised a red flag with the doctor when he said that the President was Eisenhower.(I think it was Geroge W. Bush at that time).

I also worry about my parents having dementia or when they are no longer able to care for themselves and me. I feel terrible that I cannot help them in ways of being independent and hope that my siblings will. I don't know what would become of me at that point if they cannot take care of me.

I also do not have pain tolerence so the thought of pain is a scary one.

In addition, I fear insanity or not being in my right mind.

But knowing all this makes me grateful for the present.

I think that my family felt very alone at times in our trials though I knew we were blessed as there were many worse of in dementia than my grandpa. Later, we would meet those who did not have the ability to socialize as my grandpa and were further progressed.

I am sorry that you have to experience this with your dad. I think that people even if they are far removed from who they were can feel love and that can be comfort to them.

I wrote this a little while back and was remembering it recently.
Kindness is of the essence.
Needed is a comforting presence.